Croncast - spark

By Pete Johnson, HP.com Chief Architect

You don't have to be in the work force too long before someone ultimately insults you in some way. Maybe it isn't even intentional, but that doesn't take the sting out of it. The most basic, knee jerk human reaction when we experience something like this is to get angry and hurl something similar right back at the offending party.

While natural, that perfectly understandable course of action tends to inflame the situation instead of improve it. Is there a better way?

Sometimes, there can be and you can get something much more than revenge of a such a situation, like a better relationship with someone that becomes more useful later.

It starts innocently enough

Last spring, I was asked to be part of a task force whose members were drawn from all over HP. Our mission was to define the key aspects of Web 2.0 that the company wanted to take advantage of, so our group was a mix of technologists like myself and people in charge of a variety of business initiatives for the company.

At the beginning of about our 3rd meeting, I was among the first people who dialed into the teleconference line. Some of the other attendees were discussing some of the topics we wrapped up the last meeting with as we were waiting for everybody to arrive, but I muted myself as I was finishing up something else.

As the meeting was about set to start, a rather influential individual came onto the call and joined in on the banter, let's call him Ewan. The topic turned to which organization should write a particular piece of functionality. Rather quickly, Ewan emphatically chimed in with, Nobody from <organization that Pete works for> knows how to write any code! Then an awkward pause came followed by him timidly saying, Uh, are any of those guys on the call?

Turn around what could be an awkward moment

Now, my initial reaction was to completely jump down Ewan's throat. It was bad enough that he'd insulted the entire organization of people I work regularly with, but he did it in front of a pretty wide cross section of people throughout the company. He'd impinged on the reputation of a lot of people and he deserved to hear about it.

But as I took myself off mute to fill the uncomfortable silence that filled the conference line, I realized that if I reacted how I wanted to I risked looking like an even bigger jerk myself. So I went the other way.

I think what you meant to say, I said calmly, is that nobody from <organization that Pete works for> knows how to write any code . . . . except for Pete.

That got a big laugh from everyone on the phone and completely diffused the tension that the Ewan's comment created. Immediately after the meeting ended, Ewan called me directly and was incredibly apologetic. He had just come from another rather heated meeting, let his emotions from that call carry over to the next one, and said things he shouldn't have. Ewan concluded the call by telling me that if there were anything he could do for me, to let him know.

This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship

Fast forward to the end of the summer and I was eligible to move up to the next pay grade in our salary structure. At this particular level, there was a review process I had to go through that included having to secure letters of recommendation from sources beyond the immediate organization I worked for. Much to my delight, Ewan wrote me the best letter I submitted and it made a huge difference in my getting approved.

Now, a lot of things could have gone wrong here. As our Web 2.0 project went on, Ewan and I developed a great working relationship and he was a big enough person to go out of his way to be nice to me after I let him off the hook for his poor behavior. As it turned out, he's a good guy who had a bad moment and we have a great relationship now that was sparked by that one uncomfortable incident. A lesser person could have continued to be a jerk and likely not written me the letter of recommendation later.

But, by deflecting the insult, despite that not being my first reaction, I was able to kindle a relationship that I otherwise could not have. That insult got turned into a favor and the payoff was much, much better than getting even would have been.

How about you? Is there a time where you were able to take an awkward or insulting situation and use it to spark a relationship?

About the Author:
Between creating one of the first web applications ever built within Hewlett-Packard during the mid 1990's and reaching his current position as HP.com's Chief Architect, Pete Johnson has worked with over 400 engineers all over the world, written technical articles for publications, and presented at trade shows. He blogs about how improved non-technical skills can accelerate technical careers at http://blog.nerdguru.net.

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