Black | Croncast - From Cool to Cul De Sac

Waking up, girl

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 09:02:44 -0600

No, I am not having gender issues! It was the appropriate title for this photo of Maggie.

This is from May when we took a short vacation and she had just woke up. There is a certain lucidity of a child when they are in this state, sort of a catatonic Buddha.

I took the liberty of making the photo a black and white and air brushing out Maggie's hand from the left side of her face.

Since Betsy never reads this I can tell you that this photo is one of her holiday gifts this year. It is being printed on canvas and placed on a wooden stretcher.

I found the company that produces, imagekind, thanks to Flickr.

I'll let you know how they turn out. They meaning another one printed with Elliot on it.

Tags: photo maggie printed canvas gifts

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 23, 2007

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:02:48 -0600

Croncast - 2007-11-23.mp3
Show: #437
Length: 16:52
Size: 11.6mb
Format: mp3

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Short show . . . Betsy has places to be
Special intro by Elliot
Croncast live from the man pit
I forgot to mention Wal Mart
You can hear us there now
Shut up, Kris
Can't you hear us being piped into their stores?
People shopping and there we are with turkey fryers
We got FFA stories
The great turkey fry off jamboree we were invited to
Fryers, Keystone Light and firearms
Competitive fry off
Zis is my Wolfgang Puck oil
I don't think so Betsy
Celebrating by frying everything in sight
Grill on three legs and a cement block
Bugs? Forget it
Frying ice cubes
Guys around stuff on fire
I would do the firearms and clay pigeons
We are the hick/redneck ultimate starter kit
My thoughts make it tough to hang with the middle class
That is the relationship that has no boundaries
We just say the stuff they think but don't say
The turkey you made . . . oh, baby
Sacrifice of the bird
Who eats stuffing any other time of year?
What's wrong with Paganism anyway?
I'm not ripping on Pagans
What you are saying is that, "I fucked up the turkey and you were afraid."
29 cent a pound turkey, Pilgrims Pride
It had been beaten to death
It looked like it had just jumped in to the Latin Kings
It was black inside
I will never mess up another turkey again
You will have moist turkey for the rest of your days
The moment between you and your mom
"Like you do"
That is your mom's favorite quote
Living up to her standards
I tried cutting the leg when you asked
Sparks flew off the knife . . . not really
Sawing it into pieces
There was no layer other than the outer
The thrill of standing in line for deal
Sven Olacksen in the desert
What kind of job is jumping out of a plane?
The perfect job
You can have any job you want without kids
It frees you up
I had to meet you at 16
That's it
Elliot's special outro

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Tags: Wolfgang Puck Wal Mart turkey fryer Pilgrim's Pride beaten turkey

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 14, 2007

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 08:12:05 -0600

Croncast - 2007-11-14.mp3
Show: #433
Length: 28:35
Size: 19.8mb
Format: mp3

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Post birthday wrap up
No I won't read it . . . it is inappropriate
What did you get me for my birthday?
Love
How do I put a photo of that up?
Just a white space
Your gift already expired
It was an interesting birthday
Was it like having a heel ground into your balls
To know that your plasma just bought tickets to a movie and chocolate cake
You came home with this cake
It had one 3 of the 33
I thought about using toothpaste to put the other on
I saw this monster chocolate cake
I have been shaving chocolate since 4 a.m.
Granted, he'll know it's from Costco
"All-American Chocolate Cake"
My Black Keys poster is gone
You blow out the candles
It was like a car tire, not really
My accent is like a cheesegrater on the edge of my words
I chop up the cake
Hand it out
And everyone is like this is a great cake
Elliot stands up straight
"I NEED TO BE EXCUSED"
He starts bouncing off the furniture
My mom look up and her face it bright red
Maggie starts freaking out too
She is yelling about wanting to ride the dog
Yeah, I ate four bites and had to stop
Betsy, I think it is full of caffeine
Loaded chocolate cake
Who wants to do more cake?
I am wired at this point
I didn't have an iris left
Just black eyes from open pupils
I couldn't handle it
You guys were right about the cake
Mom just stands up all the sudden
I gotta go to bed now
Talking a mile a minute
I go to get my phone out of the car
Find some gummy bears
I eat a handful of them
My chest starts thumping
My body tingles all over
Was it going along with the beat of the music?
I have never, ever felt that way in my life
Felt good when you scratched you head though didn't it
You know what will make you feel better?
More cake
That is like saying, I could use more diarrhea
I need to find my worst enemy to share it with
Scientists for chocolate experts look at that cake and tell us why
That cake was pure baked cocaine
I was still thinking about the cake today
Why do I want more cake? It's 8 a.m.
I do not fall into the stimulant category
Thanks to Costco I will no longer eat chocolate cake
You can turn off your emotions like a switch
Kris's phone is blowing up
Birthday wishes at 4 a.m.
I need to invent an apparatus that allows you to smoke while sleep
I'll be a quadrillionaire
Smoking in your sleep is healthy
Human mysters at 2 a.m.
The deer just stood in the front yard
Yeah, your dog will poop and eat it before it hits the ground
Stuffed animals from Goodwill need to be washed, Betsy
No they don't, they just need love

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Tags: Costco cake Goodwill smoking in your sleep caffeine chocolate expert

Betsy and her husband Kris Oct 08, 2007

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 08:10:38 -0500

Croncast - 2007-10-08.mp3
Show: #419
Length: 36:44
Size: 25.2mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Oct 08, 2007

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Thanks to Dan for the generous support late last week . . .
This show is for you
I have found my next career
Home Bottling factory for breast milk
That is creepy
I should totally do this is
You can pump and dump
My house is near hear
Your 15 minute break is no problem
My sister won't stop calling
She called me in church today
They have a conversion van club
I don't have a conversion van anymore Vicky
Do you have a hand pump anymore?
You got 30 minutes at work you can do a double pump and dump
If you have to pump in a prison bathroom would you even touch the electrical outlet
Their mirrors aren't even made of glass
Shiny metal like a McMansion refrigerator
When I take out the pump is make this noise
And I start leaking right away
The reason for the pee pee
I got moobs I don't feel her pain
The noise queues her and immediate let down
Walk into a shopping mall with a boom box playing that sound
Watch the mommies
Helps me milk the goat
Flafoo now exists
Tell your story Mr. B
Flafoo.com
Say it three times fast
Flafoo flafoo flafoo
The whole idea is to make finding shit on eBay easy and quick
Making looking up stuff on eBay fun again
Kris's idea of funny with links
Following that path of keywords
I could say turkey fryer - http://flafoo.com/turkey fryer
And it works on your iPhone quickly
If you are buying anything from eBay start your shopping at flafoo.com
I need a job to support my garage saling habit
Goodwill is eBay 1942
Waiting for stuff to come through the doors
The Christians go buy pancakes and then come to Goodwill for skirts
I was about to pounce on a comforter set
I heard her reading the title letter for letter
I knew what she was doing
She was having someone look up her shit on eBay
So I start to chat it up with her
Screw the voice mails . . . send her a text
My Blackberry doesn't send text messages
Right
I didn't nerd out on her
She's the woman who got he Blackberry and said, "O it's for recipes"
Did you take her under your wing?
I tried Mr B
My niche is the toys . . . you can't take that part of Goodwill
The breast feeding plates
Have we ever talked about plates
Friendship was kind of born
Well, that is good
All the regulars are kind of gone
How is that creepy?
Have you noticed that they are not here?
Who?
I should have known then
Putting my car in the garage
Yes I had to move your junk
No more big stuff Mr. B I promise
Well, you threw a passive aggressive smack down
Garage is for cars, Betsy
It's for toys, rakes and storage
I think it is a puffy cuff thing
How is that a puffy cuff thing?
My car has 75 miles in the last three months
You drove them Betsy
Wheelchair stroller
My mom's prize Wheaties box with Michael Jordan on it
You got to keep this one straight baby
Getting stuff together for one of you mom's students
I feel like I been hit in the forehead with Night Train
Dewey, Wednesday's show is for you

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Tags: flafoo Wheaties box Blackberry Dan Goodwill

Betsy and Maggie take the cul de sac

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 18:31:41 -0500

The ladies out for a short stroll to prove once and for all stripes are better than solids.

Take that black t-shirt wearers.

Tags: than better stripes solids black

Smartphone absurdity, I want just one

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 12:23:33 -0500

I didn't realize how absurd this smartphone crap was until the day before yesterday. We have a potential client using Blackberries as podcast players. Which was no big deal since I worked on a solution a few years ago at my day job but I needed to get the same version as the client. Hence a new radiation hot spot for my palm.

Now in the house:

1 Treo 700 (mine, Verizon)
1 xv6700 (Betsy, Verizon)
1 iPhone (work, AT&T)
1 Blackberry 8703e (work, Sprint)

Two of them are for work, like I marked them above, but it is ridiculous. They all do like one thing better than the others, one carrier's plan is better priced or the network makes all the difference. What do I mean?

Best sounding as a phone:
1. Treo
2. iPhone
3. Blackberry
4. xv6700 (horrible)

Ease of use as a phone:
1. iPhone (my mother-in-law could use it)
2. Treo
3. Blackberry
4. xv6700 (need 3 hands to make a call)

Ease of use overall:
1. iPhone
2. Blackberry
3. Treo
4. xv6700

Best OS:
1. xv6700 (windows mobile 5.0, too bad everything else about it sucks)
2. iPhone
3. Treo
4. Blackberry

Best media playback:
1. iPhone (wonder why?)
2. xv6700
3. Treo
4. Blackberry

Best keypad:
1. Blackberry (update: thanks Garrick for pointing out I misspelled it the first time -LOL)
2. Treo
3. xv6700
4. iPhone (it's pretty . . . hard to use quickly)

Best sms device:
1. Treo
2. Blackberry
3. xv6700
4. iPhone

Best email device:
1. Blackberry
2. Treo (would be third if AT&T edge were faster)
3. iPhone (on wifi this is second)
4. xv6700

Best web device (network):
1. Treo (doubles as EV-DO modem, love it)
2. xv6700 (doubles as EV-DO modem, never used it)
3. iPhone
4. Blackberry (locked into a special start page, blah and doubles as EVDO modem but Sprint rates are insane)

Best web device (wifi):
1. iPhone (experience much like real browsing
2. xv6700 (fast but reformats pages)
The other two are AWOL with no wifi capability

Best camera:
1. iPhone
2. Treo
3. xv6700
Blackberry is without

Best network:
1. Verizon
2. Sprint
3. AT&T

Best overall:
1. iPhone
2. Treo
3. Blackberry
4. xv6700

Taking all of this into consideration and my experience with all four operating systems and form factors, I have decided that my ultimate phone and carrier combo would look something like this:

An iPhone on Verizon's network, use as EV-DO modem, with an add on keypad and GPS onboard. That would get an 'ooh la la' and an amen.

Tags: iPhone xv6700 Treo 700 Blackberry 8703e Verizon EVDO Sprint GPS

Kosso Rocks. Here's why . . .

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 13:26:05 -0500

Not just because he can pull off a black suit with white Puma's but because he is showing Croncast some love at Podcast.com.

During Gnomedex, Kosso added Croncast to the recommended list of podcasts on the home page at Podcast.com. Thus, making him the coolest British guy that I know. Prior to the addition he already held the title but this solidified his status in my British Friend Hall of Fame Museum (BFHFM).

If you know of a couple thousand square feet, or maybe a couple square feet, that would be available for me to start the physical version let me know.

Tags: Kosso Podcast.com black suit white shoes BFHFM british friend hall of fame museum white Puma

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 17, 2007

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 08:45:47 -0500

Croncast - 2007-08-17.mp3
Show: #398
Length: 29:56
Size: 20.5mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 17, 2007

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I'm losing my voice again
Thanks to your children
Serves you right!
Mr. "In a minute"
Hitting refresh is not a job
Doing who is queries all day
The fact that you know what a who is query is . . . time for love love
The pitter patter of Gigi upstairs
Don't spray that in your eye
Maggie locked me in the basement
Every woman in this house locks me in the basement
Once she realizes I am on one side and she is on the other she freaks out
Daddy, daddy dadddy
I begin to stress because I hear the crying
It activates that parental thing in me
There is one way out other than crawling out
A big man in a small window
Yeah, it is like fat women and little dogs
I begin yelling for the other one to come and unlock the door
The dogs start barking
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
I start yelling up the vents hoping Elliot would hear me
Why didn't you just stick one man titty at a time out the window and ease out
You need to get out of the house Mr. B
I really wish we could spend time together at things like the Great American Yard Sale
You could be my wing man Mr. B
Anyways, I got you
Who wants to play with plushies with you
Betsy does improv class night two
It will make me a better listener, Kris
It has brought insight into your life
I have learned what it is like to be a man
Someone will redirect you in the moment and you can move on
I just think you've got a brain like golden retriever
I don't have to be a tree at home
We should have a family game night with improv games
Oh, wait I have an idea . . . how about family HTML programming night right before dessert
The new dude walks in to class and he is a programmer
I thought you were a coder
I can smell it on your breath
What does it smell like?
Your mother's basement
It was super fun
I had a near death experience Mr. B
How does that happen when all you do is go and get coffee and hit up Goodwill
I put down the mocha latta
I'm parked next to a big shiny Lexus
Maggie freaks and I open my car door into the car
Then I see that the car is occupied
Fuck you and your fucking small car
The woman gets out of her car very slowly
I don't know what you are supposed to do in that situation
It's a Volvo, it's bullet proof, don't touch me
It gets worse
I did what any self respecting mommy would do
I lick my shirt and rub the mark off her car
She makes eye contact and says, "Stop licking my car"
My ass was grass
Get your lips off my Lexus
I had successfully removed the scratch with my magic eraser finger
I hit your car but I successfully slimed off the mark
The dust of Elk Mountain
I would get arrested for that
I know what I am going to do
I ran
I ran away from her
I picked up Maggie and ran
If she hits my car, well, it is insured
I wasn't going to wait until she popped out my eye teeth
Betsy will minimize anyone else's shit
Just because you don't care about your car doesn't mean other people don't
The Dust of Montrose
Was my greatest vacation ever
Your not helping me out Mr. B
The Great American Yard Sale has moved to a mall parking lot
Westfield shopping center won't know what hit
Welcome to camp Junk Ass
One legged box races
There are some one legged people that can gallop
I need you to help me out
I'll get there at four in the morning and it will give me a 10 minute head start
They stole my Jaguar off my hood
What it the whole point of owning the Jaguar is the stupid little shiny thing
Yeah, now it is next to some kids tee ball trophy
Dealership says none in stock
Ornament $211, labor $78 and with tax it will be about $330
Didn't you have any markings on it?
Thanks to Bernadette for this review and write up!

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Tags: Black Lexus Great American Yard Sale improv class Dust of Montrose Jaguar hood ornament

Josh Hallett is a funny man, the real Kris Smith

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 21:57:21 -0500

Thanks to Josh for putting this post together, "Will the Real Kris Smith Please Step Forward".

It kind of became the joke of our Saturday night out in Seattle and is even more funny to see the transformation side by side.

All in the span of 30 minutes the guys told me to go get coat because it would cool down and my t-shirt wouldn't cut it. When I went back to my room all I had was the sport coat and it didn't look too good with the ringer t underneath it. Hence, the "serious business-man-out-on-the-town-Kris" in the trusty black t-shirt.

The pic on the left was taken by Dave Winer and the one on the right by Josh.

Tags: Josh Hallett Dave Winer Gnomedex 2007 Kris Smith black t-shirt and blazer

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 06, 2007

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 08:24:48 -0500

Croncast - 2007-08-06.mp3
Show: #394
Length: 36:42
Size: 25.2mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 06, 2007

Join Croncast Cronies . . . thanks to all those signed up already!.

Early intro to explain this show has lots of the electric popping noise in it. I thought I had this figured out for the show recording but I didn't. However, I did find a solution after today's show was recorded . . . clear shows from here on out.

My windscreen smells like a pack of condoms
What you got in your suitcase?
Yeah it has packed since I left for Colorado
OK Kris, mine smells like a today's sponge left out for four days
It's been 3 weeks since we have done a show with just us
The untold story, I almost didn't go to Colorado, Kris
Is this like Slowsky?
We fly in the face of karma
I preemptively heed the warnings
Four days out from leaving for Boulder it begins
Like the Volvo won't come out of park again
OK Blackwater Betsy
They drag the old decrepit bitch in
Volvo of Lisle has repaired it for the 4th time
They give me a Hyundai
We know what the problem is mam . . . you dripped some soda in there
No, look at the record . . . this is the 4th time
If I can't drink soda in my car remove the cup holders
The problem is that everything in the gear shifting area has been replaced
Splenda is not sugar, it is a secret ingredient in concrete
Now I owe the dealership $300
That is one less cool experience at Elk Mountain Resort
How am I going to help you out? I will be in San Francisco
That would be cash at hand
Your guilt and negativity goes both ways
I get to the DMV with Gigi on my hip to get new plates
Line to another line to another line
Boss Hog will drag you out by your ear
Don't get out of hand Ms. Mommy pant
Can we get a supervisor over here?
I know that is the auditor
Mam, your plates are illegal!
Oh, now I am going to be arrested at the DMV
I end up in a line with bikers
A line full of the scariest men
They all keep trying to talk to Goo
I've never seen a baby give that look
She's not going to ride bitch to anybody
She'll be leading your gang in 10 years
I know exactly what the problem is
There is only one man in Springfield who can take care of this
The bikers, Skanky and Skanky
It turns out that Skanky wants to sell his car to Skanky
Maggie hears the guy yell and she freaks out
Now I am freaking out
All your fault Mr. B
Your likability was going down by the day
The plates from Slowsky moved over to Volvo
I don't own the Volvo, you do Kris!!!!
What if I want to hit the road in peace?
Thanks Oprah
I was in there for 53 minutes
I got sucked in to other peoples drama as I waited
Betsy gets attacked by a tick
Now she needs to tell the neighborhood
The neighbor tells her that she just got back from New Jersey
She was there to help out a family member that got sick from a tick bite
The ticks in New Jersey know your name before they attack
This is all happening the night before you leave
Thank god the Elk Mountain staff is released early every morning to remove all ticks and flea dip the deer
I will never have a vacation as good as this because I am married to you
Oh, you are too kind baby
I was holed up 30 miles from Boulder in a hotel by the highway
They call themselves suburbs, but they don't know
Working late at night doing the nerd thing
I get to the hotel late
You're supposed to have a non-smoking . . . don't have it
You're supposed to have king . . . don't have it
The room smelled musty and like nothing I had smelled before
All this while I have to rationalize hopping into a bed that a lot lizard just has sex with a trucker in
The next morning I wake up and head down to the front desk
I bitch and moan then realize that this girl is 11 years old
I ask to be moved to another room
She reaches into her pocket and pulls cell phone
A roadside motel run by pre-teens
"I can't move you but my mom can. I can call her to come down here."
I rolled on out
I came back the next night and asked to be moved again
We can move you . . . but not for three days
I then get the burrito craving
Qdoba happens to be open right next to the truck stop
You're gonna have to re-wrap that burrito
Why?
Beans were falling out of it
He looks at me, "Sir you need to understand . . . if you bit into this it will explode in your face."
This can't be fucking happening
I am going to eat it here and cut it in half
His eyes twinkle . . . are you sure that you don't want us to cut it . . . I have a really big knife
His concern for my burrito did not go unnoticed
Colorado out to get me . . . three months ago
Stop Mr. B you can't tell this story we've gone too long
We'll be in Seattle on Thursday!!!
If you can make a live show we'll be doing it
If more than 6 people want to come we need to get a place to do it
I have one fan . . .Mexico Mike, total troll
Selling mescaline by the highway
I'll be in on the 8th at 10 am
We'll be there for our 11th anniversary
Why spend alone we want you
Thanks to Bernadette for this review and write up!

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Tags: Qdoba burrito hotel by the highway Longmont CO exploding burrito Volvo of Lisle

While I'm on this whole black hole sun thing

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 10:04:46 -0500

I remembered seeing Chris Cornell do a version for the Henry Rollins show on IFC.

For some reason they don't allow you to put the video in your own site. Hello!

However, they do give supply a link. Grunge fans, enjoy.

Tags: Henry Rollins Show Chris Cornell IFC black hole sun Henry Rollins show

Grunge meets old rocker and strips lyrics for flannel shirt karaoke

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 16:49:37 -0500

At the end of last week I posted about PBS SoundStage with Peter Frampton doing a cover of Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden.

Well, here it is in its instrumental glory from YouTube:

Tags: peter frampton black hole sun pbs soundstage soundgraden instrumental

peter frampton black hole sun

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 03:30:45 -0500

pbs soundstage in hd has got peter frampton rockin pretty a pretty had soundgarden cover

Tags: peter frampton pbs

peter frampton black hole sun - via twitter

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 22:30:45 -0500

pbs soundstage in hd has got peter frampton rockin pretty hard on a soundgarden cover

i find it no more odd than chris cornell doing a michael jackson cover . . . say billie jean.

Update, here it is:

Tags: peter frampton chirs cornell billie jean michael jackson black hole sun