Jaguar | Croncast - From Cool to Cul De Sac

Season 19 Ep 3: Wheel of Fortune, Mailmen, Mrs. Coach

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 08:56:44 -0600

Croncast - 2008-01-11.mp3
Show: #449
Length: 28:23
Size: 19.5mb
Format: mp3

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After reading the comments I am starting to feel sad
Kris, don't feel sad . . . you'll change your mind
Real reasons
We just do it, it's become part of our day
We've become part of that
It's like a radio station
And they are playing Rod Stewart
What? Kris you have lost your mind
Would you rather I say Nazareth "Hair of the Dog"?
What are you talking about?
You should pre-screen your thoughts
Like a celebrity does
Wive's would love these things
Coming back from the long break
Saying things as opposed to telling stories
It was your birthday it made for a weird show
I have to go to the bank
I noticed you didn't buy your own cake
Yes, I needed to step it up and buy one
The bank was a ruse
Turns out the cake was frozen
Much like you
I couldn't really cut it
I told the kids it was an ice cream cake
I forgot to buy candles
Yeah, you made me blow out a lighter
It wasn't just a Bic
This is why being married to you is difficult
You should just say what I think
Kris starts telling Elliot about the lighter
All I can think is shut up, idiot
He doesn't need to know that stuff
I thought about the house burning down
You gotta pull the thing back and click
Mr B. I am so worried about the Wheel of Fortune audition
What am I going to wear?
What am I going to do with my hair?
I think you are projecting a bit
I am going to start combing my eyebrows over my forehead
I hit 33 and my eyebrows are out of control
Big eyebrows are creepy
I didn't say mono-brow
You think the producers are looking for middle America
A mom with pizzaz
I'm not sure I buy that
Maybe you should watch the show
Men wear suits . . . the same on that they wear to funerals and weddings
All the women wear pins
That reminds me of the coach story when you were helping Andy shop
Leave it up to your mom
She'll just buy it off QVC for you
The UPS man, the mail man and the garbage man all have our numbers
QVC delivered twice a day around here
The mail man knows everything that goes on in your life
She's got QVC on the tv and the laptop
The guy from the Queer Eye show is on, she yells
We wake up every Wednesday morning to breaking glass
The garbage man hates us
The QVC bags all end up scattered around the cul de sac
When I was a kid we got the neighbors mail for a week
I knew that he wasn't paying his bills
Water is a luxury
He spent all of his money on Jaguars and software
Baby, you got unfinished projects everywhere
It's typically the man
Feigning the CWI to watch prison shows
It was a very serious sledding injury
I can wear chest pads
Keeping up with the IRS
Just one of those things
Monday you be blinded by my bespangled sweater and snow man pin
I need to seem charming and wholesome
Don't tell them about the podcast
I already did
Well then you need to be yourself
Jeanie said I won't be funny in a pant suit
I disagree you would look very funny in a pant suit

Tags: Nazareth QVC Rod Stuart Wheel of Fortune Mrs. Coach

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 19, 2007

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 09:46:14 -0600

Croncast - 2007-11-19.mp3
Show: #435
Length: 34:52
Size: 23.9mb
Format: mp3

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Baby, I been 33 for a week and realized something
You are beautiful
You've go a style all your own
Did senility set in?
You've got the reverse mullet
I need to get this woman a PBR
You got the part up front and business in the back
A very serious paradigm shift
So sorry for you sucka
You gots to see the business coming
You have requested I sell everything I own
Mine, my stuff
I bring up your rings
What did you tell me, Betsy?
Yeah, whatever
You can get your second wife bigger rocks than these
Diamond guns
I'll have diamonds falling out of my shirt sleeves
And now after taxes we can live off of it for a month
Spending money breathing
Garrick said, "It's expensive to wake up in the morning."
Paying to get through the day
Gotta get paid while you sleep
People do buy it now while I am snoring away
We bought ourselves a little time
Thanks to Chris Brogan, Rob Shore, John C Havens and others for leads
Head over to Croncast.com and check my resume
Oh, what are you doing?
Big stress doesn't lend itself to thinking about the holidays
His TV is buying a doll and a fruit tray
I'm queen of the wives
Speaking of this
Evan and I got into trouble with this last week
"what do you wives do?"
We said "Naperville" the wives don't work
I could be making $10 slanging slurpees
And you would still be at home
We could get a Jaguar gift certificate
Maybe the Volvo should disappear?
I called ChildServ to see if I can get on schedule
Back to my story
I was Christmas shopping
I am not going buy anything Made in China
Especially not a doll
What?
Have you gone all blue collar?
They'll poison your toothpaste and feed you Aqua Dots
I don't get this
I buy retail once a year
It's ok if it is gifted to Goodwill and you get it?
Hell yes
Even American Girl Dolls are made in China
So I am working this doll tip
You can't find any dolls that are not made in China
Betsy is out to change the world
She has always been fascinated with China
Chinese history books are all over the house
I grill Betsy on it as she avoids
This isn't about improv
I think the Cultural Revolution were interesting
I am trying to make this easy for you to understand
Olympic questions next
It'll be fine as long as no one gets pregnant
Dexter on Showtime has been great this season
WGA strike
Screw the studios . . . these writers should get on with it online
Thanks to CaptRespect and MacGeek for support!!

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Tags: made in china Naperville Goodwill CaptRespect MacGeek WGA strike

Betsy and her husband Kris Oct 05, 2007

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 09:24:12 -0500

Croncast - 2007-10-05.mp3
Show: #418
Length: 30:21
Size: 20.8mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Oct 05, 2007

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It's TFF . . . Tell a Friend Friday
Here's what we got going on
Tons of comments coming in
Today will not be typical show . . . we're reading comments
Lots of entries in my haphazard Google contest
Finding the ones that were for the contest were hard
Now we need to figure out who the hell these people are
Not like your legs are broken
Just your Jaguar
It is the saddest looking thing
Tags are expired, hood ornament torn off, license plate holder Magic Erasered and leaking oil
Did I mention I haven't driven it for about 3 months?
The voting at Blogger's Choice Awards is difficult
Thanks to everyone who visited
We're gonna read the comments and contest entries
Comment - You parents can find you if they want.
Saggy Balls 101 wants to party
Comment - No need for video
He's a purist, like a biker
I would do it as a three camera shoot
5 minute wrap up of week
Comment - The karma comment
I full well expect it
Since I didn't swallow the scope I am not on same page
After they listen to about 3 of these shows, guaranteed
We've had this discussion
Bottom line, I expect it and would respect their decision
Keeping grammy close enough to make things normal
You never cared about me
Let's move on before we bore everyone
Comment - Curl that gun hand into a fist
Comment - Kid getting picked on
Same thing that they were doing already
Mob of gigantic kids jacked up Captain Crunch and Cartoon Network
While he is eating his Kix and watching PBS Sprout
Not to say that my kids are any different
You were picked on as a kids too
Yeah, it made me funnier
Hope your kids use it as material later
When I wrote it on my folder I meant it
Grunge stick figures
You're psycho
Move forward please
Our whole meeting . . . there were many times
I would have caught you slow driving in front of my house
Lesson in beatup karma
The pom-pom squad is not the delicate flowers
Doubt there was delicate flower that hadn't been had in your school
Vickie got her ass kicked by this girl
What brought this on? I know you sister
I'm not saying that it was provoked
My parents came together and went to school
Vickie is now planning class reunion
She gets a hunk of the class list
I tried to find the girl . . . but couldn't after her last arrest
She was offering sexual favors at the court house to pay her tickets
Attorney's are perfect
There is no client, paternity privaleg
Comment - When exactly were you two cool?
Part of my psychosis thinking I have been cool since birth
Probably a social disorder
I proved that I am not cool by taking you to nerd convention
Elbow deep in the back of a goat
Don't you remember goat cervix bangles?
I invented those
My dad was on Montel
And my baby sitter was Cindy Crawford
People have know me for 20-30 minutes before I tell them
We both have a lot of self-confidence
We went through crazy shit together
Captain of the pom-pom squad is not cool
Maybe in Sycamore
They went to drink out of the cow tank

Contest entries - if anyone of these is yours leave a comment with your email and I will get back to you to get your address for stickers

We read all of these on the show and tell some stories in between

1) croncast geek star kris and smoking Betsy are you still doing that? How are you going to locate a winner? by name? Robert
2) kris smith a man who can survive betsy
3) kris smith a man who gets locked in the basement by his loveing family
4) kris smith living the dream in naperville
5) croncast rockin to van halen
6) kris, this is your mom, I have a knife to send to maggie! give me your address!
7) worm farm sex
8) croncast betsy cow print
9) croncast betsy loves dawn
10) croncast Kris -"How are you going to know who submits the search?" -Kore Peterson -"The first to leave a comment for you via google."
11) croncast Kris get out of the basement and live life
12) croncast Kris loves John Elway Dodge
13) pics of sweet ASS street racing cars
14) betsy hates blue hair death to dawn
15) kris, out of puffy cuff goodle ideas
16) puffy cuffs are sexy
17) nerd bearded kris
18) +croncast Leave the comedy to Betsy
19) (kris betsy croncast) -"The blubbery bald bear's brawny baby batter befouled the bountiful, bodacious, bouncing boobies of betsy"

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STICKERS!
Here's what it will look like . . . inside the red area with rounded corners
To get your sticker send $2.00 support from the site or get 3 stickers for $5.00

Tags: Cartoon Network Magic Eraser TFF Evo Terra goat cervix bangles

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 17, 2007

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 08:45:47 -0500

Croncast - 2007-08-17.mp3
Show: #398
Length: 29:56
Size: 20.5mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 17, 2007

Join Croncast Cronies . . . thanks to all those signed up already!.

I'm losing my voice again
Thanks to your children
Serves you right!
Mr. "In a minute"
Hitting refresh is not a job
Doing who is queries all day
The fact that you know what a who is query is . . . time for love love
The pitter patter of Gigi upstairs
Don't spray that in your eye
Maggie locked me in the basement
Every woman in this house locks me in the basement
Once she realizes I am on one side and she is on the other she freaks out
Daddy, daddy dadddy
I begin to stress because I hear the crying
It activates that parental thing in me
There is one way out other than crawling out
A big man in a small window
Yeah, it is like fat women and little dogs
I begin yelling for the other one to come and unlock the door
The dogs start barking
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
I start yelling up the vents hoping Elliot would hear me
Why didn't you just stick one man titty at a time out the window and ease out
You need to get out of the house Mr. B
I really wish we could spend time together at things like the Great American Yard Sale
You could be my wing man Mr. B
Anyways, I got you
Who wants to play with plushies with you
Betsy does improv class night two
It will make me a better listener, Kris
It has brought insight into your life
I have learned what it is like to be a man
Someone will redirect you in the moment and you can move on
I just think you've got a brain like golden retriever
I don't have to be a tree at home
We should have a family game night with improv games
Oh, wait I have an idea . . . how about family HTML programming night right before dessert
The new dude walks in to class and he is a programmer
I thought you were a coder
I can smell it on your breath
What does it smell like?
Your mother's basement
It was super fun
I had a near death experience Mr. B
How does that happen when all you do is go and get coffee and hit up Goodwill
I put down the mocha latta
I'm parked next to a big shiny Lexus
Maggie freaks and I open my car door into the car
Then I see that the car is occupied
Fuck you and your fucking small car
The woman gets out of her car very slowly
I don't know what you are supposed to do in that situation
It's a Volvo, it's bullet proof, don't touch me
It gets worse
I did what any self respecting mommy would do
I lick my shirt and rub the mark off her car
She makes eye contact and says, "Stop licking my car"
My ass was grass
Get your lips off my Lexus
I had successfully removed the scratch with my magic eraser finger
I hit your car but I successfully slimed off the mark
The dust of Elk Mountain
I would get arrested for that
I know what I am going to do
I ran
I ran away from her
I picked up Maggie and ran
If she hits my car, well, it is insured
I wasn't going to wait until she popped out my eye teeth
Betsy will minimize anyone else's shit
Just because you don't care about your car doesn't mean other people don't
The Dust of Montrose
Was my greatest vacation ever
Your not helping me out Mr. B
The Great American Yard Sale has moved to a mall parking lot
Westfield shopping center won't know what hit
Welcome to camp Junk Ass
One legged box races
There are some one legged people that can gallop
I need you to help me out
I'll get there at four in the morning and it will give me a 10 minute head start
They stole my Jaguar off my hood
What it the whole point of owning the Jaguar is the stupid little shiny thing
Yeah, now it is next to some kids tee ball trophy
Dealership says none in stock
Ornament $211, labor $78 and with tax it will be about $330
Didn't you have any markings on it?
Thanks to Bernadette for this review and write up!

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Tags: Black Lexus Great American Yard Sale improv class Dust of Montrose Jaguar hood ornament

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 28, 2006

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 06:33:12 -0500

Croncast - 2006-07-28.mp3

Show: #255
Length: 30:17
Size: 20.8 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris July 28, 2006

Kris is a bit persnickety tonight
Click the fifth tab for the real mailing address, 800 number and the email form
Send all email to thesmithmall@hotmail.com
Nobody gets it
Lots of Smiths in this world
So why did you take my last name anyway?
Normally I get along well with hardcore feminist chics
She made fun of me in class
The old sees the me me know there would be some problems
Keeping it real
Stoner in the basement that would have been managing the apartment building
Passing stuff up through the well
The Kris's social issues
Kris goes off into the world and then come trotting back with the stories
The problem is on my end, I know it
Hi, I'm Kris opening
There server cut loose with wind
I point out that the "smell" wasn't me
Bad move
Petit women never talk to me I think they are worried that I may fall on them and crush them like a bug
I'm married to you and you're not fine
TechCocktail1 was much more suitable for a bear
Betsy's dead racoon story
Racoon committed suicide
Muffin will meet her end this weekend
Explaining to the kids about the dog's imminent death
Tell him that when she dies he can have her cash card
Jauguar XK talk and emails
I only test drove the car . . . but yes I am in love
People don't think I follow through, they have never met my wife
The baby photos that never should see the light of day
Controlling the little sisters life

Tags: Smith feminist Muffin social problems TechCocktail1 Jaguar XK

2007 XK Gorgeous by Design Ride & Drive

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 17:11:26 -0500

Hang out with me a the Jaguar 2007 XK Gorgeous by Design Ride & Drive in Chicago on July 22, 2006.

Tags: Jaguar XK 2007 XK Palegroove Kris Smith John Boulais Laura L. Byrd

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 24, 2006

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 07:06:20 -0500

Croncast - 2006-07-24.mp3

Show: #253
Length: 35:30
Size: 24.3 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris July 24, 2006

Vickie, Betsy's sister for the new listeners, finally went into 'real' labor last night at 3 a.m.. She was staying here so most of the family is at the hospital except for me, Elliot and Gigi. Being on baby patrol makes it kind of hard to put up a post. The show notes are coming.

Betsy and I are fighting, best friend style
She wants me to move out and take my stuff
I want to take an iron ans steam her to death
Kris is up in Betsy's business
Her eBay finances are a mess
Kris doesn't like being bossed
Betsy agreed to send email to potential clients . . . nothing . . . phone call . . . nope
They get crazy when they see you on the phone
I don't need Betsy as a corporate rep
Where is all of Betsy's eBay money going?
We talked about it today
Betsy made $900 this week and is -$30
Say what!?!?
She tells me why this is better than putting it on credit
She wants me to apologize
Betsy comes to her senses and says, "Kris, you have a small point."
She hands over her Pay Pal card to me so she can't spend
Lifestyle of the rich and Slowsky
Slowsky is a thirsty bitch!
Higher gas prices, higher fill-up in Slowsky thanks to WW III
Worse gas mileage than a hummer
The Gucci cash is all gone
Functioning out of a hole
She says she is going to purge most of her eBay horde
Stipulation on the card is giving Betsy cash in small amounts
Betsy is no longer CFO of Palegroove since she is handing over her personal financial reigns to me
Just wash my Legos
Cleaning Betsy's junk with Magic Erasers
Kris feels violated, Betsy wants to push me up the corporate ladder with a golf club hanging out of my behind
Kris took a gold lesson, Natural Golf, thanks to Henry for hook-up
Knowing you . . . where are the golf clubs?
It would be better to have a $900 gold club
I still can say I have never officially played golf
Turns out I am really good at hitting the ball straight
The Natrual Golf way worked for me
Test question . . . "Do you like George Bush now?"
Betsy goes on a socialworker rant
How many poor people spend $300 going to Yellow Stone from their McDonalds job?
Betsy says she has realized her calling
Trader Joes is that calling, they are her people
Finding Wooly the Watermellon for candy
If I leave Vickie will crown
Betsy gave me persmission to attend the Jaguar 2007 XK test drive event
I drove a black coupe (see pics below)
Thanks to Laura and John for their help
I recorded most of the day
The car is in my blood
"I don't give a rat's ass. I am not getting anything out of your blood."
Driving the XK took me way back to my dad's speed fetish
I shouldn't have been looking at that man like that
I could cheat on my wife. That takes too much effort . . . I'll buy a Jaguar XK
It is a mid-life crisis car not a car for a 32 year man
We'll have nothing left to show for podcasting work but a bankruptcy and a hot car

Some pics from my weekend fun.

Tags: Jaguar XK 2007 XK Palegroove golf Pay Pal Magic Eraser Kris Smith

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 21, 2006

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 06:36:21 -0500

Croncast - 2006-07-21.mp3

Show: #252
Length: 35:56
Size: 24.6 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris July 21, 2006

Slow start but it gets rolling around 4 minutes.

Broadcating bathwater draining down a pipe
More baths than anyone
Kris found more white hairs in his beard
All thanks to John Elway Dodge on Arapahoe
We blame John Elway for being born
Why isn't the pipe soundproofed?
Betsy says Kris is too self-centered
Backyard needs attention
Work from home day
You can hold the bag atleast, you pussy
Kris hasn't been off the deck this year
Betsy wants to hire a gardener
Betsy's current making money obsession What the hell is doula?
Vickie still hasn't had her baby
Why did she pick you?
Women in Naperville have garagre dorr stomachs to pop out kids
US infant mortality is high among developed nations we rank 28th
The big sale that Betsy is collecting clothes for
Betsy says it's a racket and they make you buy something for $3
Kris says yeah what a rip, eh
Walking back into the 80's with peoples styles in homes, clothes and hair
Bet they can't wait for the Miami Vice movie
The fat, fat cat
Well yeah he's very nice
Unable to walk and friendly are probably two separate things
Regional tour of Goodwills and then Betsy ranks them
Betsy wants to register to win a limo ride to garage sales
What about the notion of good days
Selling ad space on your car
What is truly afford?
Hair Cuttery chik tells Betsy her hair looks really bad and has no style
Kris digs a hole for himself and ends the show

Tags: John Elway Dodge doula Goodwill Jaguar XK fat cat

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 19, 2006

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 06:53:39 -0500

Croncast - 2006-07-19.mp3

Show: #251
Length: 38:20
Size: 26.3 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris July 19, 2006

A stellar week for comments on the website
Kris feels mushy inside
Betsy loves getting email
More is arriving than we can respond to
Croncast comes to you from the #2 place to live in America - Naperville, IL according to CNN Money Magazine
Naperville always ranks high . . . top 3 for last 5 years
Beaten by Ft. Colins, Colorado
John Elway has it out for us
What is hodling us back
So what makes Naperville so great?
Family type stuff to do . . . plenty
People who live near here say, "I live in Naperville."
The combination of a kick ass Goodwill and community
Park district services
Naper haters
Great city planning
The cops are hidden
More green space than anything else in Naperville
"People in Naperville are snobs" . . . we don't buy it. Live here and see if you like it.
There are other suburbs that are very shwank
Naperville is a big place
If you don't understand the Colorado beef check out the vacation shows
So Mr. B what car did you get?
"I can't think of any other word than pretentious."
Qualifying the price of the car
People need to find out how much stuff costs before they assume
Frick had some great choices
Betsy thinks I would make a great shriner

I traded this . . .

For this.

You probably didn't see this coming
The entire qualifying of the Jaguar purchase
It started wanting a new stereo for my Scion xB
Chose the Scion release xB 3.0
Then I decided that I needed some daddy cred
Took a look for Volvos
Couldn't afford the new S40
We could buy a fleet of Slowsky's
Didn't have any used, but they had a 2004 'new to me' car
$6000 under Kelly Blue Book
The Jaguar is Betsy's dream car
"Did you buy the car for me? NO. You asshole you drive my dream car away every day."
Elliot sitting on a couch pillow.
Some of you may be already hating me
"A Hummer is a reason to hate someone," Betsy
Listed online for $18,915 and I got an even better deal
It has warranty still and is in unbelievable condition
It's a hot car
No way your sisters water should break in my car
Betsy with the neighborhood gossip

Tags: Naperville Goodwill Jaguar X-type 3.0 maguar CNN

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris Ep. 6

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 11:28:46 -0600

Croncast- 2004-12-02.mp3

Length: 39:11
Format: mp3
Bit rate: 64k
Size: 17.9 mb

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris Ep. 6 is all killer with no filler. . . maybe all filler but it is a hoot! I just typed hoot. The first bit of the show is Kris messing up and Betsy messing with him. This part was going to be removed but we deemed it pretty funny after listening to it and left it in.

Music in todays show is provided by permission from Jolie Holland, a wonderful musician with cogent lyrics and a voice signed off on by the choir.

Today's Show

Messed up intro
You're not Walter Cronkite
Dirty fucking IT geek
Betsy won't vacuum
Kris is really grumpy and apologizes
Intro for real
Welcome Betsy
Gretchen Helfrich
NPR baby names
Melba we'll change your name
Stimulating conversation
Greg Walker.org vs. Greg Walker.com
Betsy Google's Kris and he ain't where he should be
Can't be a miser without dough
Little 4 year old's and personal space
Short bit on Ray
Betsy yawns for the 35 time
De-iced car doors with rubber mallet
Betsy wants a Jaguar
Jolie Holland
The Kinsey NPR interview with Bill Condon - wrong, wrong, wrong!
Minka
Nov 12, 2004 dinner - grilled cheese and root beer floats
The inferno cake for three decades
Schmappy Birfday Miff
Send those baby names
Betsy walks three feet
Wrap up

Jolie Holland - Old Fashioned Morphine

Tags: betsy kris holland jolie croncast