Unitarian | Croncast - Life is Show Prep

Season 19 Ep 18: Hey Sugar, Maiden Warrior, Let's meet

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 13:22:04 -0600

Croncast - 2008-02-22.mp3
Show: #464
Length: 32:14
Size: 29.8mb
Format: mp3

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It's been a while
I'm rusty
Remembering the order that I say things in
I don't use the Secret, no
You are a closet Unitarian Mr. B
No I am not
Are you a Secretologist?
She says random stuff
I'm just speaking my mind
That is what she things
Trying to get my goat
Takes one to know one
You are messing with wrong chick
She told me that she someone from my church
The woman told me she was a Humanist
Does that mean you guys are Scientologists?
You're giving away our secrets
Now you know before I say anything about Scientologists
We have a listener that meets all of Betsy's anti-requirements
We love him though
I wasn't messing with engineers, I know them
I admire the way that they think
She rolls over, I need to tell you something
She's going to tell you she tested positive for something
"My name . . ."
Your name?
"Yeah"
Yes
"Noel"
Yeah, I got it
"It means Maiden Warriors"
My engineer roommate began stirring in his loft
I taught him everything he needed to know about women
I had the scariest roommate in the entire world
I don't think you have told it, Betsy
**Note: this is one of the best stories Betsy has told on the show**
**Listen in at the 8:00 minute mark**
The alcoholic woman at the water park
She reminded me of your mom, Kris
Listers, you tell me
The text message I got was a hook-up message
No, it wasn't
I will leave it up to the listeners
Have you shared it with your friends
Yeah
What did they say?
Well . . .

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Tags: Maiden Warrior Humanist Secretologist alcoholic women

Season 19 Ep 14: International Player, Un-Unitarian, Faded Duds

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 10:43:31 -0600

Croncast - 2008-02-08.mp3
Show: #460
Length: 31:41
Size: 21.8mb
Format: mp3

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Here we are for 2008 02 08
If you were an international player such as myself
What do you do internationally?
Podast internationally three times a week
You are an exporter baby
The air mattress can hold more money
Less filler
Thesises theses who knows . . .someone does
Mixed intro with Betsy
Comments about Kris's CB handle
I didn't have one
I was never in to it
You mean you were never allowed
Your CB would have been made of a Fisher-Price record player
It wasn't bad to the bone
When the bullet hits the bone
Different that what you think
It's a Friday . . . we gotta keep things loose
You are doing a live improv show
How do you do a "non-live" improv show?
I see, but you have to be spontaneous
You're gonna be prissy
The guy who likes to flip over chairs
You are manic
So are your people
Yeah, but you are predictable too
What do you do?
Kid who talks so much
I am bothered already
It's just stupid
No enough
I do hate improv
Ninety five percent of it is bad
Five percent is good
I don't like sitting through it to catch the good stuff
If it were tv I would change the channel
What is your next step?
I can't do it I'm 32
The younger people can do it
We'd be opening strip shows
He takes off his coat and he has my shirt on
I flipped out
But why?
How un-unitarian is it of you
To challenge your child on the gender specificity of his clothes
You should have worried more that it was your shirt
The first person that owned that messed up
The lady who bought it at Goodwill was out of their minds
Everybody gives me a hard time about my clothes
No one else gets it baby
Your 1998 pants need to be destroyed
Your stove pipe pants hearken back to grunge days
They have been sitting at Goodwill for 10 years
You rescued them from the slow ship to Africa
Those pants sang to you
I wash, dry and they fit like a glove
You are irrationally afraid of sharks and feet
Tromping around in the snow
That is the bummer part
You put on yesterday's pants
If they have yesterday's salt ring on them
That is a total bummer
I hate the midwest
I just don't care, Kris
If you won't let your kid wear it
You shouldn't wear it either
I don't consider what Elliot would look like in it
We've come a long way since we moved into the suburbs
I have been assimilated and so have you
I am not talking politics with you
People will realize that Obama has Jesus shooting out of his eyes
Let me give you a hint, baby, you are the only one who sees Jesus Check out the For Whatever Reason Podcast Produced by friend of the show Tim Alexander

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View Kris's resume or download it

Tags: record player Tim Alexander CB Handle 1998 pants For Whatever Reason

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 05, 2007

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 07:18:32 -0600

Croncast - 2007-11-05.mp3
Show: #429
Length: 30:35
Size: 21.0mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 05, 2007

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Betsy sneaks up on you . . .be prepared
Happy Birthday Mr. Mark Chernesky!
The Strawberry Short Cake house
I know why you are stuck in the 80's now
Explain what is on the table
Fisher Price loving family Beatle
Left Behind the kids series
More fear for your kids
The kids wonder if they will ever make it home
End of times, end of days whatever
I need to write a kids book
All about death
Three pages - you were born, you lived and you died
How can you be that grumpy?
What?
Yeah the morning didn't start so good
Maggie at a refillable pencil part
We spent morning at the emergency room
Sure now you want to tell me that I am a bad mommy
Betsy is full of the venom today
Kenny Logins and Annette Funicello made a teddy bear
They are friends with Kenny Rogers
What?
Everyone in the biz is friends with Kenny Rogers
That bears purrty
More venom
Tubs of the Christmas stuff thanks to Unitarians
Yeah, I don't want to look at it
Maggie might end up eating this stuff
Kris is listening just not paying attention
Vickie was important to have for Wheel of Fortune auditions
How am I bad at the improv?

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Tags: Strawberry Short Cake Mark Chernesky Kenny Logins emergency room Annette Funicello

Betsy and her husband Kris Oct 24, 2007

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 08:33:26 -0500

Croncast - 2007-10-24.mp3
Show: #424
Length: 26:23
Size: 18.7mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Oct 24, 2007

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Here we come for Wednesday
You can check us out at C-R-O-N-C-A-S-T dot com
You are just being a sensitive nerd
Well, since I said I was leaving Room 214
Sure people can read between the lines
People do
Yeah, and that isn't a bad thing in this case
That's your life not mine Mr B
I don't care if you are not happy, because I am
I know your life plan isn't going all that well
Karma and me are on a date called my life plan
I wrote down my goals and passed them to the Secret
Some things . . . My religion is a mix of Universalist Unitarian and the Secret
I'm halfway through my list, step back
I called Empire Carpet
You did that already
That is what I am saying
Further down on my list
I have it on every life goal list
If I didn't know you I would think you live near an abandoned rock quarry in a trailer
Tell the people what it is
I want to be a contestant on The Wheel of Fortune
And they are coming to Chicago this weekend
Oh, baby
People, send me some good vibes!
It works for cocktail party small talk
I don't think so
They'll just remember you from the convenient store scratching tickets
The prizes are good today
In the past they weren't all that good
They ran out of ceramic dogs in 1986
Vanna has it going on
You have something for Vanna?
No
Either way that is disturbing
She looks like a Bratz Doll
Now you went and messed with Karma
You are blushing
Apologies to all who have email, commented
Things have been crazy here
Chicago has millions of people and more than one convention center
On my life list from last year I had wheel of fortune
You can't invite more people
What if they get on and you don't?
At least I will know someone who is on the Wheel
Congratulations to the Browns who welcomed their second child today
So what do you want for Christmas Kris?
iTunes is going to get Led Zeppelin
Pshhhhhhht, I can get you 35 CD's at Goodwill for $35 forget iTunes
The computer wants to capitalize the word internet
It was a special place in the sky like Itasca

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Tags: the Secret Led Zeppelin iTunes Wheel of Fortune Chicago Goodwill Bratz Dolls

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 03, 2007

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 09:27:44 -0500

Croncast - 2007-08-03.mp3
Show: #393
Length: 32:41
Size: 22.4mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 03, 2007

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Kris is losing his voice
The most emotional day of Jeanie's life ensues
Jeanie wakes up hammered
Betsy woke up and rubbed her feet all over Jeanie
It is the curse of Betsy
Betsy hates feet, can't stand feet
Wants nothing to do with feet
However, she can't keep her feet off of you
She has to put them on you
And these aren't regular feet
They are a women's size 12
A man's size 11 1/2
And they are like meat hooks
Dry, jerky meat hooks
And they are rough and jagged with a sixth toe on each foot
Like the Chinese guy in the Guinness Book
It must be a female thing
Evan yells at me when I do it to him
Why do you gotta put your toes on me?
Get on your own side dude!
Sorry, Mrs. Smith greatest day ever isn't gonna cap out
While I'm dying of alcohol and nicotine poisoning
I wake up and the toilet is full of Kobe of bananas foster
I didn't puke on the floor . . . it is from when I got out of the shower to puke
Jeanie, "This is gross"
We have to get up, today is the second greatest day of my life
The day that I get to go and shoot stuff
I'll have the fruit plate
It comes back as fruit art
We tell the waiter, but it is obvious that Betsy is hungover
The waiter comes back with cappuccino for the ladies
Jeanie gets amped
Somebody give that woman a firearm
Betsy now feels the same way that I did when we were on the ATVs
Even Linda Hogan has to put chin to cleavage and push on
No pressure, step up to the plate
We walk in to Valhalla
Turns out that John is going to help us
There are like 10 bronze Remington statues
Gigantic NRA flags on the wall
Celebrity photos on the wall
John, ex-Navy Seal, comes over and talks to us
I have never listened so hard in my life
"Oh shit, we are really going to do this"
This will be in live combat simulation mode
The bullets will explode
"We do not point the gun at anyone. Including me," John
This is when Jeanie begins to panic
We have to sign a waiver with or social security number
If you had been in the presence of an ex-Navy seal
John comes over and lays down 9mm pistols in front of us
Jeanie looses her color, "I'm trapped in this steal room with pulverizing bullets"
More instructions on how to hold the gun
He helps Jeanie out arm over arm
We are not going to be Olympic competitors if rifle
Ready position
Jeanie pulled . . . and she melted
The Navy Seal saw it coming
He grabs her. Jeanie, "Bull shiiiit!"
All of the sudden there are stars in the sky
She is still standing right next me
I can't quit shaking
Do you need some water?
He grabs lapel, "We have a freaker"
He knew you were going to hit the road
Lodged, malfunction, strike the magazine
Bang, bang, b-bang
Shells are falling all around Betsy's Crocs
Betsy turns around with the gun and Jeanie hits the deck
That is just the beginning
Betsy, "It's OK to go Jeanie"
Trying to be encouraging while crying
Jeanie is the world's best friend
John2 at the front desk watches the uncontrollable shaky Jeanie
Do you want some oxygen?
Finally they send a car
Meanwhile back at Valhalla . . .
OK you shot'em in the head . . . but it doesn't mean they can't still kick your ass
You keep shooting till they don't move
The look on your face is the look in that picture!
John has made a very large impact on your life
I am going to take you to a live scenario room
If this were a long term course we would work on your startle reflex
Betsy is awesome with a pistol
They take Betsy into a biker bar with a terrorist
I know it went down but you've got to keep shooting them
So Betsy clears the room . . . "Clear and cold"
Fear of firearms
John, "We have one more room for you"
He walks Betsy into a biker bar scenario room
Your face baby, oh my god
So in the corner of the bar is a robber
All you can see is his head and arm because it was around a hostage
I turned and dropped him with one shot between the eyes
It was the best feeling that I ever had
So Kris this is what I am thinking . . . a well armed wife is a happy wife
"You cannot beat and armed woman"
They sold purses designed for your concealed weapon
I am putting it out there for birthday
Henry just erased everything off his board and wrote, "I win."
You might be the first person to be turned away at the Unitarian church
I was going to tell Elliot, "Mommy took down a terrorist today"
So now it is time to leave
Cold maze is a good maze
I think something that contributed to my discomfort was not breast feeding for 3 days
To the right of me is a breast pump going full speed
Betsy finished up . . . and says I got to get rid of this stuff
It's like the trucker's pee bombs
Yeah, except this is 90 proof
She looks out window and says, "Are you ready?"
Jeanie, "Why is it going to be beautiful? Is it going to turn into fairy dust"
Is this going to be amazing?
I gotta do this cool because there is a wind going
Betsy throws it out . . . and it comes right back at her
The inside of the Volvo is now covered with breast milk
We stop at the Continental Divide
You remember how I feel about high mountain roads
Betsy, keep talking to me, keep talking
Those nets are to catch landslides
You could have explained pump and dump
All of the sudden we see cable cars
"The highest point on highway 50"
It is gorgeous
I was not feeling well
Jeanie is shaking, exhausted and needs a pick me up
Betsy, what kind of fudge do you want
"What dude," Betsy says Colorado slow
I think that I am freaking out
Now we have to drive down the mountain
Fudge won't help anything
We made it down it ok
But we were following an RV
Can you use those for cars?
No you have to hit the mountain
The RV's brakes were on fire
It took us six hours to get home
That's it, installment 4 of Betsy and Jeanie's trip to Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla Shooting Club

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Tags: Remington Valhalla Shooting Club Linda Hogan Continental Divide shop Betsy Smith Jeanie Bowen

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 01, 2007

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 10:42:30 -0500

Croncast - 2007-08-01.mp3
Show: #392
Length: 1:05:10
Size: 44.7mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 01, 2007

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We've made it into the month of August
You've now crossed into Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla Shooting Club
Sure you don't want to bitch about Boulder some more?
I like Boulder, there are just some things I don't
We roll up and there is a guard tower
Was he standing there with a rifle?
No, Mr B
It is a gorgeous view
Flanked by beauty
The guard comes ambling up to the Volvo
Your names ladies?
We give them, remember this
"Do you ladies have any firearms with you?"
No firearms in this Volvo
This wagon is clear
He gives us directions
We roll on up
Elk Mountain Resort is beautiful
The valet pulls it four feet away and parks
The woman on hotels.com just kept complaining about it
She is nuts
Jeannie says the place is like Annie
Everyone stands to greet you as you walk in
Then there was Santa Claus
A dude with a white beard and red suit?
No, he had a uniform and a "I love my job smile"
He's got hot towels on a silver platter
He looks at me and says, "Mrs. Smith would you like a towel?"
He looks at Jeannie, "Mrs. Smith would you like a towel?"
Shit, the deal is sealed, we are the dykes
Welcome to first class
It took us 9 hours from Boulder
We'll make everything guided for you
What time would you ladies like dinner?
This Mrs. Smith would like to eat before 7:30
Mrs. Smith and I would like to eat in 45 minutes
Santa has an ear piece and a chest mic
He talks into it and poof the bell hop appears
We get to our room and the view is gorgeous
If you don't like it dial "0"
The bed looks like a cloud from heaven
I got Wal-Mart sheets
Jeanie, "We have robes!"
Hers and hers robes would have been nice
So we get dressed for dinner
It was intimidating, we felt like we didn't fit
Then I bust out the gift certificate
We wanted to play it cool
Sure, you want to fit in
They were nicer than your grandma who hasn't see you in three years
Every time you walk in the door the staff stands
Oh, are you ladies here for dinner?
I'll announce you, then he speaks into his lapel, "The Smiths are here for dinner."
You haven't told them yet?
No I was waiting for Jeannie
Who's the man, the big footed one with a bad perm
Are there any other guests at the resort?
Two other men not talking
There were 10 total guests at the resort
We order our dinner and they ask for drinks
My mom always orders the house wine, the cheap stuff
I'll have a Mountain Dew won't go over well
Jeannie hates red wine but follows Betsy's lead
Hi, I'm Chef Jeff, which house wine is best for you?
They start bringing out bread baskets and baked stuff
Chef Jeff is like, "Fuck dude! I worked on that all day and you can't say it."
I look at Jeannie, I can tell she doesn't like it
Been there and done that
Jeannie is woofing it down
I have to eat at least half of it
The two men eating alone are now joined by someone I recognize
The owner that I had seen on The Daily Show
Kris if you kick it up a notch we can do this every weekend
He comes over to the table
Asks what activities we are going to do
ATV's and shooting
We are the only resort in the entire world to have access for ATV's
Jeannie, "I love the outdoors but I can't go up high"
Our ATV's are automatic
They've thought of everything
Yes, everything
On the ride you will come to a place called Top of the World
So high that airplanes will fly below
Then he launches in to the special lights
These are based on the biologic make up of a lobster's eye
They are used to melt the snow to make an ice tunnel
Mr. Foreman continues to talk about the press they have gotten
A book on the NYT Best Sellers list is based at Elk Mountain Resort
He had me sold . . . I wanted to kiss a bear and drive to the top of the world
Why would you think that you couldn't do something?
Tom Foreman makes you believe that you can do anything
Enter the rest of the guests
Three sets of couples that look like my neighbors
Fit soccer moms?
Yes, Kris
I just drove 4 states over to get away from them
Now they are going to spoil my mountain view
Mr. Foreman goes over to the new couples
The super sweet firebox
Then our food comes
Every time there was another opportunity to be put in our place
We were still really awkward
Betsy has a bowl of puss and I get a bowl of noodles
It was couscous Jeannie
Jeannie starts to panic, all I get are these noodles
Campbell's has everything including broth
Then they bring the broth
After that they bring out dinner
The whole thing was terrific
Except that we were both completely terrified
To get over the petrification of being treated so well and Elk Mountain Resort stay more nights
Kris you are the king of upgrade
So after dinner Santa jumps up
We get our bill after dinner
Betsy goes white
Shut up Jeannie, I'll tell you later
The one thing you can't return is food
What I was freaking out about was that our house wine turned out to be $18 a glass
From their perspective, the lesbians aren't satisfied
Chef Jeff asks if dinner was to their liking
Then Thomas comes over and asks
After that the waitress comes up
Sure, they are trained like the CIA to read unhappiness
What would you ladies like to do?
We would like a jacuzzi?
Our eyes meet and we realize . . . they aren't out to get us . . . they are out to spoil us
Drinking our sangria in the hot tub
The cheap wine was awesome
Betsy took 100 pics of the tops of trees
At the Boulder art fair there was a dude with aspen photos
So we retire to the room and Jeannie puts on a robe
Sliding into the bed of heaven
Mrs. Smith, this is going to be the greatest night of my life
The greatest part of this is that I have no kids to wake me up
Betsy wakes up at 6:01 for coffee and viewing birds that were probably released for my pleasure
Do you know how much this is costing per minute? Get up Jeannie
We decide to take a hike
We start to walk by workers that gardening
When they see you they stop, stand, smile and ask you if you need anything
Landscapers saw us, they froze like deer
When we went by them they commenced working again
Tom has thought of everything
When a crossed eyed man in golf cart tells you "good luck" heed his warning
People are freezing along the trail "I'm a tree. I'm a tree. I'm a tree"
Maybe the trail was made for someone who came one time
Betsy, they did not release cows into the national forest for you to view
Queue the cattle
Someone left it on the comment card no doubt
Gotta watch out for the feral cows
Jeannie was petrified of them
Now you know why he told you good luck
That guy used to not be cross eyed till a cow incident
We can hear them shrieking and yelling
There they are . . . the soccer moms on the zip line
Whew, my Nike sports bra is twisted
We are on our way back
Jeannie freezes as we stand on Have you told anyone that you are not Mrs. Smith?
I see two brown ears rising out of this draining ditch
Out jumps a giant mule deer
Betsy chases it to take it's photo
The lesbians are crazy!
What are the lesbians doing now?
Time for lunch on the patio
We need some cigarettes and an ashtray
"Can I have an ashtray?"
She speaks into her cleavage mic
Around the corner, "I'm on it"
I know it is fun to play spies but this is weird
It was awesome though, instant ashtray
Lesbians are on porch, queue deer
Queue the geese
Then the soccer moms come bouncing back fit and tan
"Where are you guys from?"
Bloomington. "We are going to drive through there."
Their husbands, reserved and uptight
Screw it, this is all about me
I am going to make the soccer moms laugh
She swore that she was thirsty and all the sudden water showed up
"Guess how many kids we have?"
I don't know this is a game?
We have 10 combined?
How many are girls?
One
Then they struck a bad ass soccer mom pose
They brought things like running shoes
Betsy brought Crocs and sandals
Perfect lesbian gear
The soccer moms told us that the ATV's were awesome
We get ready to go and Misha shows up
I have done this ride 500 times and not lost 1 person yet
She takes out these top gun flight suits
I brought you the biggest ones we have
Betsy, "Of course mine won't zip up"
Jeannie, "neither will mine"
Jeannie you rock!
This could be customer service boot camp
Their motto must be "we are not going to tell you no"
They actually import vans from Europe to fit through their gates
Probably because it is more aesthetically pleasing
This is my new motto, "It is all about me"
Betsy gives me the thumbs up and then hits a tree
So we're going up the mountain
Jeannie is flying behind Misha
Betsy is stuck
I look down and my left hand has the brake so tight that I won't move
When you got on the quad the Unitarian in you took over
It was trying to save you
Oh, I'm sorry when was the last time you drove an ATV up a mountain
Betsy is trying to avoid the sticks
"Mam, that is an all terrain vehicle. Run over the sticks."
Hitting trees really hurts
Right before we get to The Top of the World
I look up and it is all Aspens and cattle
Jeannie starts to freak
Get me past that cow so fast
I am getting away from that cow so fast
Kris, we got to the top of mountain
You can see Utah, three mountain ranges at 9000 ft
We both had brown mustaches
It added to the lesbianism
Every time Betsy talks to the staff it is about her husbands and kids
Talk into your chest, the lesbians are not lesbians
These people are awesome
Misha ran a camp for bad ass kids
Like outward bound? Way scarier
Working at Elk Mountain Resort is top of the food chain
You have got to put in your time
John of course is an ex-Navy Seal
He is bad ass
You feel amazingly comfortable and slightly scared
I love men like that. Don't you Jeannie
Sure, he was handsome too
OK, time for this podcast to end
We ended on the ATV's and it was time to drink
Don't hand the truck driver the bottle
Four or five inches of vodka
Kris, we almost drank an entire bottle of vodka
Jeannie is naked in a robe and slippers
We are ripped
You are so awesome . . . No, you are so awesome
I look at clock and it is 9:00 p.m. and we haven't eaten
We dial "0" and they tell us that the dining room is still open for us
We arrive and there are flames to the ceiling
Chef Jeff is making bananas foster
The soccer moms start to speak to us
Betsy with her vodka mouth
"Are we going to be on your webcast?", soccer moms
Jeannie loves it when I get out of control
"We should introduce ourselves"
No that is OK, I already have a name for you, "The bad ass soccer moms"
It could go either way
Then the leader dies laughing
Right, there has to be an Alpha mom in the group
Yes, the one with the longest Escalade, the EXT
So Chef Jeff comes over
Betsy, "A-1 Jeff we're trashed. Can I call you Chef Jeff from now on"
That's not chatting it up that is drunk babble
Chef Jeff really made it
We don't go to gourmet restaurants and have the chef talk to us for 40 minutes
It was entirely phenomenal
Kris, I know we have talked about how I challenged the Russian to a vodka drinking contest
Can I take it back when you order the most expensive item on the menu?
And I was on the urge of vomiting
Kobe beef times 2 with bananas foster
Betsy looks at me like you better eat that bitch
Chef Jeff is buying us drinks
And I have to deny him because now I can't see him
I don't know where I am at
We stumble back to our room
There is that point, where you realize that I am done my man
Jeannie deals with Betsy, I am sick
I will lay in the bed of heaven
Betsy has the her cigarettes and the camera around her neck
You ticked me off
You don't like me anymore?
I'll like you tomorrow
You just ripped my underwear and are out of control
I proceed to go to the most beautiful bathroom in the states
And I don't even have to use my muscles
I have an exorcism of the most expensive meal I have ever ate
More babbling from Betsy
Typical Betsy move, "I made myself throw up"
This is the best planned bathroom of all time
6 feet from toilet to wall on a slate floor
Betsy made a bed right there with a Turkish robe
And I fell asleep on that cold stone slate floor and it felt so good
As I was falling asleep I thought to myself . . .
I love John, Misha, Chef Jeff and I love Tom the most
Why? Because he was smart enough to put a twin bed in the water closet
I don't know what we were thinking by drinking so much
I have nicotine and alcohol poisoning . . . I need to dial "0"
We have to do another show for Valhalla
It was the most emotional day of Jeannie's life
Sorry about your underwear dude
I'll get you a Target gift certificate
These were Victoria Secret
Do you know how much stuff I will have to find and sell from Goodwill?
Final installment of Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla comes your way tomorrow!

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Tags: kobe beef bananas foster Elk Mountain Resort Valhalla Shooting Club Chef Jeff bad ass soccer moms

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 06, 2007

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 08:33:30 -0500

Croncast - 2007-07-06.mp3
Show: #383
Length: 32:06
Size: 22.0mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 06, 2007

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The live show is in two days!
Markx got it right, "baste"
Mr B, I smell a whole line of products for you
Water sun block with a baster?
After four days at water park the chlorine was getting to me
It was Michael Jackson' favorite place . . . lots of kids and you get bleached
Showing off my chicken skin legs
Remember when I told you about the kids . . . the hair metal kids?
Yes, I remember
I was driving by Goodwill and there they were
I won't tell anyone where to go for the boxes
Is that lady out there in the Volvo?
They cut their boxes up now
I noted to myself it was strange to see the kids
Are the kids real or are you making them up from your subconscious?
So the drummer from Ratt is standing there playing lookout
Which I realized after working in the group home and seeing kids act this way
His other Ratt band mates were in the dumpster
I didn't get it
Why not, baby, it was behind a movie theater
They were after posters and stuff
Turns of that they are your kind of people
I was looking at them as little baby thugs
Oh, baby
Kris' cell phone doesn't work in the basement
I need you to look this up on eBay
I can't hear you
What is it?
It's used retard! Gently carried, slightly touched
Then you tell me to put it back
That's four times my investment
I did find, however, a new threat to my Goodwill goodies
What does Kris have for show prep?
I got out int he world and went to see accountant
We had some tax debt and it turns out we have even more tax debt
I hope the accountant did that
What! What Mr. B
Booba, you gotta listen to me
The feds, uncle sam, is a greedy bitch and wants his money now
Accountant says, you're not in trouble
Yes, I am . . . with my wife
I need to explain to you why I am thinking of cashing out my retirement to pay taxes
You don't understand, my life could be in danger
Betsy is going to Valhalla and learning to use heavy weaponry
Betsy tries to play it off
Somehow she must not have been here during the windfall
I lucked into a windfall
That's ok Mr. B if you want to apologize again
I know you've already blown your top
How did your mom know?
I didn't tell her
Nobody can make me feel any worse
I was watering the lawn experiment and realized I could have paid for the kids to go to college
I spent all that money, I didn't have a plan, I thought the money would keep coming
It's slowing down, it's slowing down . . . can we maintain
You're mom said, "Why do you feel guilty?"
Let him feel guilty
I am getting exhausted by life lessons
Breaking the dumpster diving rules
The unitarian karma is in effect with you and those kids
I am having an "eh" week
Elliot's behavior has been tough
Sorry to be a downer but, damn
We gotta be there to back one another up
Big deal, appliance deliveries today
Live show Sunday night . . . ready for you on Monday!

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Tags: Valhalla Michael Jackson Goodwill movie posters tax accountant

Betsy and her husband Kris Jun 01, 2007

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 07:01:50 -0500

Croncast - 2007-06-01.mp3
Show: #370
Length: 31:57
Size: 21.9mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Jun 01, 2007

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Mr. B it has been a tough week out there in the garage sale trenches
She wouldn't look me in the eye
Hey, you invited me here!
You put up a sign and told me to come to your garage
You don't treat an invited guest like this
I'm going to give you my two dollars, bitch
You're husband gives you money and you do a lot more for him . . . come on
Oh, baby
A moving box full of GI Joe and little boy crap
It's a perfect box for the man
How about $5?
Doesn't look at me and says, "I haven't even gone through that one yet"
Is there gold in the bottom of that box?
I know there isn't some Barbie from the 60's in there
Hold on a second, "Timmy ,Tommy you come sort your crap."
The kids run up the cobble stone driveway
Elliot comes bounding up the driveway
And his white t-shirt is covered snacks, markers and ketchup
It looks like he was rolled in grade school good times
He's excited to see all the toys in the box
Then the boys started making fun of him
It's one thing to make fun of me, but my child
Baby, I am not condoning them making fun of Elliot
Here we, go, this might upset you
They made fun of him because the way he left the house
It's ok for you to do the things you do
But when applied to the kids . . . just make sure they are clean when they leave
The boy's dirty feet
Just get'em clean baby
"Dad I need a toothpick to clean [my toes]"
I understand that you needed to get out of the house
Just clean them up
Mr. B, I have areas of weakness and strengths
And as co-parent it is your duty to step it up or shut up
Our kids are not show prep
If you're gonna take them places just clean them up
Yeah, Kris, you run Daddy salon
They look to you Betsy . . . for hygiene, things like band aids
Those kids were from the mouth of hell . . . definitely not Unitarians
I scored an American Girl Illumaroom
It was $5 day for you
Betsy is going to be making the garage saler year book
If I were a more meticulous entrepreneur
I would save the subdivision maps
The divisions in our personalities
Small town and a little bit city in Kris
If Brad Paisley and Brad Pitt had a baby
Junking and class fighting it out in Betsy
I think that is why so many interesting things happen to us, Kris
I never thought of my small town as out of the norm
Sentimentalism is not cheese Booba
It's just where I grew up
They're survival skills baby
I think we are missing a comfort zone Mr. B
We're just restless
Goes to your workaholism
We need to get comfortable where we are
We can try
Wish me luck, I'm going back out there tomorrow
The broken iPod is up to $70 something bucks
They go on sale when they change the diaper packaging
He was in there
"You gotta do it, Hi"
I did it for you baby
One of our Raising Arizona moments of yore
I'm going to Boulder next week
No you are not starting a business flipping dogs

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Tags: workaholism GI Joe Raising Arizona Brad Paisley Brad Pitt American Girl Illumaroom

Betsy and her husband Kris May 25, 2007

Fri, 25 May 2007 07:32:16 -0500

Croncast - 2007-05-25.mp3
Show: #367
Length: 34:11
Size: 23.4mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris May 25, 2007

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Bringing the intro
I got it this time . . . the original intro with emails
If my eyes were balls of lava your head would be melting
I noticed you've not called your parents
Listen, I got to call them from my cell
Yeah, the swing set needs to be moved on Sunday now
So you might not be able to make it out to your folks
And on Saturday Calvary Church in Naperville is having it's annual sale
I'll be there at 6:30 in the morning
Times are desperate Mr B . . . I gotta tear it up
I might just pretend that I am one of them for a discount
What are you doing here this early?
Are you a member?
Betsy calls the employees "scaries"
My sister witnessed someone trying to haggle . . . "You know Jesus is watching you."
What? Jesus wants your mega church to have 50 more cents?
So what is it you people on the circuit call the workers?
The church is one of those that preaches the prosperity crap and monetary wealth for your faith
I know how these crews work baby
You never know how Betsy is going to react
Yeah, I'm way far on the left and way far on the right
Sometimes I like to just watch people squirm
I'm sorry you have difficulty with me Mr B
I play the opossum role
Where'd you get that quarter?
I just have sucker written all over me
Reminiscing about Betsy's special wheel chair from last year
It got deep and deeper on her
It wasn't Jesus watching it was some super bad Unitarian karma
She started frontin'
What kind of asshole devil buys a wheelchair from Christians and then tries to sell it for profit the next day on eBay?
You?
The buyer ended up needing a part for the chair
But baby, would she have gotten the chair without you!
Do you know how much Karma owes me for marrying you, Mr B?
My key this year is to hang back and find the least scary of the scaries
They can have my soul
The big ball jar waiting at the end to capture your soul
Karma vs. Jesus . . . I'm a Unitarian we walk with Karma
I just want to talk about this
You wake up and tell me that if I ever cheat on you will kill me
"You cheated on me in my dreams"
When I cheat on you in a dream I pay for it for three days!
WTF baby
It wasn't sex with a random hussy
She manipulated you from across the room
So I didn't have to go home for lunch
He is mine!
I laid my claim early!
I looked upon the sea of men and said which one of you is strong with a weak constitution
Someone that doesn't make sense like I don't make sense
The goat story is classic
Yeah I get it but there is a time and place for that story
They have a greater appreciation
What it was like going to doctor and they make small talk and then you tell them you work for the other side
Everything changed
It was a job of respect . . . never had one of those before
Burning cars in Naperville

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Tags: Calvary Church in Naperville Croncast Cronies Jesus is watching you dream cheating vehicle fires

Betsy and her husband Kris Apr 30, 2007

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 07:21:19 -0500

Croncast - 2007-04-30.mp3
Show: #356
Length: 32:01
Size: 22.0mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris April 30, 2007

Join Croncast Cronies . . . thanks to all those signed up already!.

What are my moobs and dairy snakes worth? Let us know above in the banner with your support
A little guilt borrowed from NPR
What is one year of Croncast worth to you?
That is one 32nd of a server payment
Wrapping Kris in postal tape to make cleavage
And Betsy will sell access online
What to do with the show
Have all the girls . . . women that Kris dated
Especially when they bring their 30 year old kids
Gotta keep Kristine in tube tops
Made from truck tire tubes
Sapp Bros. on the corner of Plank Road and I-80
With my hot coffee came a hot flash of snatch from Mr. B's past
Something nasty probably happened to your coffee
Which one was this? What! Which truck stop ho was this?!?!?
We ate the truck stop all the time . . . either there or hardies
Who was she?
She's the one who grew up and worked at a truck stop
So what do you bring with you from your youth?
The chicken chute checker
Besides your emotional baggage
These are Kris's jeans from 20 years ago
We had bunk beds
No I didn't have the Outerspace mattresses
We had cheap bunk beds
The kinds you could take apart
Cutting the legs with a chainsaw to make them level
This way . . . two equal beds
Happy belated birthday brother, though you don't listen
Karma was kicking Kris's ass this last week
Even today it has been harsh
It must have been the poking of Unitarians
Well, Mr. B . . . I washed and dried your video iPod
Yep
It looked normal for a second then it started to crackle and the screen turned white
I wasn't going to tell you
Hey, kick me while I'm down . . . one in a long line of things
Life altering events all week long
Well now Mr. B you can run down to Wal-Mart and get a foPod
I'm sorry that karma is kicking your ass . . . but my week has been awesome
Let me check my watch for the karma shift
(What ensues are short show notes for a great Betsy story. Watch the beverage drinking in public . . . I kid you not.)
Betsy turns her mom out . . . garage sale style
Little deaf dog in a bike trailer for grammy
Cruising the McMansion subdivisions an Saturday
It's a Schwinn not a Burly
Another Dutailier Glider
Somebody's baby is stealing all those shoes . . . oh Gigi

Send your support: $50 bucks gets you an autographed Goodwill mug. More amounts to come.

This money, btw, is going to server costs to keep the show up and running.

We are going to do a live show here in Naperville . . . hopefully in July. We'd like to get about 40 people to come out so we can have the joint for about 2 hours. That means you need to get your friends to come out too. Let us know if you can swing it.

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Tags: Dutailier Glider Sapp Bros I-80 karma kicking my ass McMansion subdivisions support the show

Betsy and her husband Kris Apr 25, 2007

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 07:09:33 -0500

Croncast - 2007-04-25.mp3
Show: #354
Length: 32:54
Size: 22.6mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris April 25, 2007

Join Croncast Cronies . . . thanks Kelly C.

Comments have been light the last week
I give the Unitarians a hard time because it gets under your skin
Kris tells Betsy like it is
They would anoint the the person with oil
NASCAR jacket guy would show up
"Sir I'm sorry you can't come in"
Can't accept a "Jr."
You just don't seem to get it
The most tolerance of any other crew
The "Jr." can pick from any other denomination
Not only are you good with therapy but you are good for saving
I'm going to have you anointed with oil
Taking your donut hole
Maybe we should have Unitarian representative on the show?
Yes, Croncast listener . . . she noticed you walked away
That is one thing that is different this year
Public planting of topics
Judy fills us in
The live show is definitely on . . . look for a RSVP post and more information soon
How did they meet? Have they ever told you this story?
Our meeting you can break it down quick like
I was following the style of the day
Every idea he had she thought was a bad idea
The Friday night talks
Betsy's dad runs for governor of Illinois in '86
She gets to walk in all the parades
A parade is really long when you are carrying a sign that says, "Sell The Post Office"
Ask the 10 year old about
You had a fun childhood Mr B.
The worm farm was the best experience of life
It taught me the greatest lessons of my life
Kris's turn to tell a story
Going to the creek by walking down the train tracks
"How far on down the tracks I got to go"
The oil barrels weren't stored in my yard
A gas station, service center sized oil can
The EPA doesn't go to your town
Betsy remembers Donnie

Doh! Laptop juice is waning and I need to get this posted. Keep listening because it is a good story.

We are going to do a live show here in Naperville . . . hopefully in July. We'd like to get about 40 people to come out so we can have the joint for about 2 hours. That means you need to get your friends to come out too. Let us know if you can swing it.

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Tags: NASCAR Jacket Unitarian worm farm walking train tracks EPA travel dead pets

Betsy and her husband Kris Apr 09, 2007

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 09:44:32 -0500

Croncast - 2007-04-09.mp3
Show: #347
Length: 33:23
Size: 22.9mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris April 9, 2007

Kris is back from New York
Betsy starts drawing pictures of my forhead
Elliot, "Do you remember what happened after you had Maggie and you had beans in your arm?"
Lima beans in hosiery
It's April 9th . . . shouldn't the Unitarians be out burning something?
It's that time of year the fertility time
Unitarians have three open arms
The variety is what scares me
I like knowing that I can travel nearly 1000 miles from home
Look out my window and see McDonalds, Starbucks and a Friday's
Beyond the pavement
Town after town after town
Mr B, you're getting to be a worldly dude
I knew I was going to get yelled at
Everyday, I knew it was growing
No there was nothing going on Sunday
I should have left Saturday night
I had a really awesome time
Some people get to see Times Square . . . Croncast style I get to meet Geraldo
The News Corp Walk of fame
Big shout out to Jodi! Thank you so much for the tour. It was great to meet you!
I saw Bill O'reilly people getting Bill O'Reilly-ish
The nameplates, check these out
After the nameplates I come upon the General Lee of broadcasting
Check out the tattoos
They're not prison quality there old school
Right, your grandfather didn't have tattoos?
Not my side of the family, well mine did
So what did they look like?
Bill O'reilly on Anna Nicole's body?
No I'm sure he's going out to get that one later that day
Hey Nike listener's were calling you on the tour if you're down for August
Yeah these tours are cool, not the bus tour style
It's really cool to get these opportunities
Our listeners are really interesting folks
Have to say this . . . the people at Fox were great
Betsy was impressed by Jodi's purse
Coming to Seattle at the beginning of August
Mommy's depressed and daddy is out having fun
We're going to Atlanta in late August also
Let me tell you about my little General Lee
Betsy fills out the adopt-the-doggie-app
"One old lady should take care of another"
That sounds like a lesbian love ad
It doesn't sound like adopt a schnauzer?
The Red Hat Society, no sex . . . movies and chocolate
The doggies adopt out lady is the alpha dog
You're going to force me into buying one from a puppy mill
I need to see your two year old and the dog interact in a cage match
Elliot was a little gentleman
This woman is screening my children

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Tags: Geraldo The New Yorker Hotel Fox News Bill O'Reilly PodCampNYC Unitarian Holidays

Betsy and her husband Kris Dec 25, 2006

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 07:02:52 -0600

Croncast - 2006-12-25.mp3

Show: #318
Length: 30:56
Size: 21.2 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris December 25, 2006

Today's show is brought to you by The Zeliffs
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays
Yup, a Christmas day show for those who celebrate and those who don't
We celebrate on Christmas Eve
How come the phone is ringing?
Why are neighbors stopping by?
Oh yeah
The beaten turkey a few years ago
Returned the meat to the store
He wasn't part of the status quo
He wants to be free-range
Beat him in front of the other turkeys make sure they see it
The group home kids are opening their stuff right now
Thanks to you guys who donated for the cause
Not wanting to get official
We just wanted to collect the money
Now we have some ChildServ corporate listeners
Back to Christmas . . . wasn't my dinner spectacular
Tackling the gifts that have been waiting
Pulling Christmas names
They would brawl . . . they could do it on the Wii
I go first, no you go first . . . my dad would trip on the way down the stairs
Now there are all these people and kids
Kris why are you being such an asshole
Have you ever had to take an intermission with gift opening?
We'll have to rethink it
Opening gifts all at the same time
I'm gonna get cake . . . who wants cake?
Could have gotten the kids two things
Digital picture prints for Betsy
When you're a mom you can't go through all the digital photos to print
Pictures of everyone
Worst hair choices for the past few years
Betsy sees the short hair picture and says lemme do it again
Dangly earings, denim jacket and Indigo Girls in the back ground
Patches of Mr. B hair all over the place
Betsy had blocked it out of her memory
What a bad decision
It's not even a pretty color it is dirt brown
Hair today gone tomorrow gift certificate
The investment in head shaving
Red for a couple days . . . it's hat season
Us bald guys we get chilly
Why would I want my eyebrows done
The in between part
Self-image change
It's a Van Dyke not a Goatee . . . it can't be
The sizes need to be set for the daddies who are shopping at the last minute
What about earings?
No I asked for a ring with nothing sticking up
No, no, no I just need a ring
The fact that it doesn't fit is not cool
Unique like my baby
Return it and go to Costco
Hey Mr. B . . . thanks for your gift . . . I'd like to return it . . . Let's go to Costco
Yeah, yeah, no, no you can't do that
Just get sized
Maybe that hurt my feelings a bit
Dry cleaning chemicals are really Febreeze
I loved your present Mr. B
Gotta give it up so I'm not into it out of love
I tore it up on my ribs
I rolled over in the middle of the night and I whimpered
If you wanna be a boxer grow some balls
I'm knocking you out
Pictures straight from the Wii
Adding all of your Wii Friend Codes
Like a build a bear
What are the Pagans doing?
Better yet what are the Universalist Unitarians?
Dancing around the saturnalia tree

Tags: Wii Friend Code free-rang turkey digital prints saturnalia tree dangly earings

Betsy and her husband Kris Dec 13, 2006

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 07:09:59 -0600

Croncast - 2006-12-13.mp3

Show: #313
Length: 39:18
Size: 27.0 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris December 13, 2006

Today is not for the triscadecaphobic
Betsy is the demon seed
Send her a paragraph why she is evil . . . not really
Betsy causes the world's woes
That voice you near is Melissa from ChildServ
We're collecting that money until Friday
I got some cool stuff
Keeping them out of soap and sheets holiday posse
Melissa says, "Kids don't want to open soap at Christmas"
The door bell interrupts us
eBay rule number 437 . . . show up on time, not early
He won't ring the door bell
Betsy broke the rules first and Melissa calls her on it
The hole that we do the show in, Betsy admits it
A care bear that has had it's eyes eaten by the dog
Eyeless care bears
Betsy has to show Melissa her storage area
1000 square feet devoted to garbage
I was going to try to help if I could
No, Melissa did not come over here
I just don't like it when people are early
Strangers should show up on time
"Betsy wouldn't have a big blow up Santa and basketball hoop at her house"
You're about to transport who? Where? Betsy you have to take the van
If you've listened for a long you know this, we know poor
Two months of eating rice out of a wok
Betsy got eBay skills to by clothes, diapers, food, pay for pre-school
Anti-foraging hater . . . Diannah read and reply please
So what does all of this mean?
It is all about having the ability or knowing when or how to do it
You have to make it your goal
It has been happening for ever
Walmart and the Elmo's . . . Betsy move
There is no buying from Walmart
Betsy explains why Kris is Walmart hater
It's the labor practices
Things that the kids would like
Betsy tries to balance both her sides
The Unitarians are right in the middle
Donations end on Friday
What makes a success
Getting out of the program means independent living skills
Graduate who is now getting his masters
Where's the money?
It's Thanksgiving break . . . can I come to the group home?
Having family makes a big difference
Melissa has been doing it for 11 years!

Tags: ChildServ triscadecaphobia social workers Walmart unitarians

Betsy and her husband Kris Sep 06, 2006

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 06:39:39 -0500

Croncast - 2006-09-06.mp3

Show: #271
Length: 37:06
Size: 25.4 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris September 6, 2006

The second show of the night . . . forgot to hit record
We've had a rough couple of days
You know crazy shit happens to us
When people tell you that you need to call your senator you have had a bad ass
Want to know what our lives are like . . . listen to this show
It all begins by working on labor day for Kris
Getting good for the family
I got into an arguement with chick at KFC
I should have went home
Karma has it out for me, it skewers me
Don's say stuff like that I'm a Unitarian
Nobody drives everyone walks
The area is heavily police patrolled
The family on bikes is spotted from far away
Here comes the forest preserve cop
They are half-way in between real cop and mall cop
The woman waves at me to say thanks for letting us through the crosswalk
Where did these cops come from?
I'm minding the speed limit
Two police cars driving really fast
Well, I am starting to think it has something to do with me . . .
I came to a complete stop, the real stop at a stop sign
About 1 mile from home I get pulled over
3 cop cars with lights sitting behind me
Windows down and moon roof open I hear the forest preserve cop start yapping (lying)
"He almost hit a family in a cross-walk"
Are there any problems with your driver's license Mr. Smith
No
Seems that your license has been suspended
I start thinking of Betsy immediately
I can arrest you here or arrest you at home?
Those are some sweet options
The forest preserve officer is asked, "Why didn't you radio this in?"
"I wanted to keep this off the radio", he replies
Why would it not need to be on the radio?????
Then he is treated like the mall cop that he is and leaves
Arrest me here or at home?
I have to yell out the window and ask him if I'm going to be arrested to do it here and not at my house
So let me tell you about the solid that the officer did for me
THANK YOU OFFICER WHO'S NAME I DON"T KNOW
I was saved by a bucket of chicken!!!!!!!
Now we get Betsy's side of the story
The bottom line is both our licenses are suspended and we can't drive
Thanks for the ride to work this morning Henry
We talk about NCN Podcast . . . thanks for the plug Jason! Check him out.
Betsy's eBay Barbie Locker thingy from the 50's or 60's
Wrap it up

1) Fill out the appropriate form for you - *New* Listener or Get a Handle (current listener)
2) Verify your email address (Activates and qualifies those with a "Handle")
3) *New* listeners get activated and qualified by using their special RSS feed
4) 300th new listener and the person whose Handle they use win iPods AND
5) A drawing for 2 more iPods from everyone who entered!

Tags: KFC chicken buckets crosswalk forest preserve Kris

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 26, 2006

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 06:56:26 -0500

Croncast - 2006-07-26.mp3

Show: #254
Length: 30:09
Size: 20.7 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris July 26, 2006

A little behind the scenes from a convo we had before show
It's called a tailgate
It was a like a John Mellencamp video
Now that is something that you don't want your daughter doing
Reaching the maggot temperate zone
Taping "Maggots Gone Wild"
T-shirts for flies
The Happy birthday show for Abbi Zeliff
Kris blew it for the show shout out so it ended up as a whole show
We've given up on the plan for the show
Betsy is going to use the studiofoam
"I spent a whole lot of money and it is your fault," Betsy
Kris is going to change her passwords
Byron K.'s email, "How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?"
The UU answer is hilarious
Betsy wants to read it at church
Kris's religion is working dusk to dawn and then some
"When you die can I have your money card," Elliot to Betsy
Betsy's new nemesis tries to run her over at Goodwill
Vickie having her baby
Betsy describes whole process . . . put your lunch down

Tags: Route 59 John Mellencamp maggots Unitarians Goodwill

Betsy and her husband Kris Jun 21, 2006

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 21:26:14 -0500

Croncast - 2006-06-21.mp3

Show: #239
Length: 31:19
Size: 21.5 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris June 21, 2006

Now is when we get back to reall life on the cul de sac.
I bring it for the gammarians, you know who you are
Betsy talks about her new blueberry allergy
Eating blueberries out of a 50 lb pound bag Betsy voted 5 times in an election
The cul de sac block party getting down
The shopping all on Betsy
GFS is like Costco without membership card
Macaroni salad
Betsy says it was made during "The Great War"
How many hot dogs are in a box
79 lbs of frankenfurters are there in ounces
$7 for 100 lbs of blueberries
Eating what you want
Talking while stained issues
It's self-tanning where you end up with orange paws
What are they doing to the inside of your body
Were back to regular shows now with a few updates on Slowsky
The contest for the iPod
We'll announce the winner next Friday
All next week we will read the best and make a decision
Google ranking for John Elway Dodge
Betsy tells the full Madonna concert story
Sorting out gender
Betsy should have known she would take it as a challenge
Non-lyric knowing friends
Maggie makes many many more noises
Kris' anti-social casualness
The block party for the neighborhood
The Unitarian party for the Unitarians
Friday . . . Kris explains why he wasn't there

Tags: John Elway Dodge Slowsky GFS self tan Madonna Chicago

Betsy and her husband Kris May 01, 2006

Mon, 01 May 2006 06:47:11 -0500

Croncast - 2006-05-01.mp3

Show: #222
Length: 26.:55
Size: 18.5 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris May 01, 2006

Evidently it's May Day
What the hell is May Day?
It's the only thing Unitarians worship
Specualtion like the Wiccans
What is the common glue that holds you people together?
It's the "c" word
Someone shows up with an engineering textbook
Somehow it works like an onion stew
Betsy doesn't get the drinking blood and bread
No bake sale
Grandma's great George Foreman grill
Giving your peeps a bad rep
The only vegan cassarole at a church
Selling a rusty axe (yes it deserves the 'e') on eBay
The henna experience from scratch
We're going on vacation to Denver in a few months
Dutailier Glider goes for $240! Betsy's investment $60
The whole Chicago "My frient"
It's a movement I'm starting, my frient, it will sweep the nation
The routine requests by cats who should be selling knives door to door
Making nice with the secretary
I offered you a brownie and you told me no
Giving birth with Betsy in the room
Cacious Gray the oldest horse at Arlington Raceway

Tags: Dutailier Glider eBay May Day Arlington Raceway henna

April 26th Show up this evening

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 09:42:19 -0500

Hola amigos y amigas!

Things started poppin' around the house last night and we didn't have time to record, though it did give me a few seconds to watch the Colbert Report. It's nice to know that technology can fail on national television too.

Today's show will go up later this evening, which will make Thursday and Friday like a Croncast two-fer. Maybe we should bill it as "Croncast taking you through the late week and into the weekend with a two-fer of Goodwill delight and humus eating Universalist Unitarians."

Tags: late show Croncast Colbert Report Universalist Unitarians

Betsy and her husband Kris Apr. 14, 2006

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 06:49:30 -0500

Croncast - 2006-04-14.mp3

Show: #215
Length: 40:58
Size: 28.1 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Apr. 14, 2006

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Show Notes

This humble home awaits demise and future teardown status.

Kris goes old school with the intro; it feels good
Go to Croncast.com and send an email with the contact form
"I am a mommy" it sucks your energy
You're not an iron worker
Pummeled by child, feed this one feed this one
Cabbage Patch Kids on eBay
The iMac is a shiny something that maintains Betsy's attention like a racoon
Cabbage patch kids with ink spots
Loose PayPal card means mommy is working hard
Old biddy pulls out vintage Cabbage Patch kids at Goodwill
Betsy's amazing knowledge of worthless garage sale info that floats in Betsy's head
If Betsy were the wizard she would be hugging the dolls
Marketing My Size Barbies to the the friendless
My size Barbie's cup overfloweth
My Buddy dolls are worth some bucks
I had a wagon that came out of the back of an El Camino (not really but a drag strip car)
Chicago style rats living in our shed as a kid
A pregnant rat from your worldly belongings
We had septic, don't worry about it
Sitting in a cloud of smoke watching Gator, "Don't worry son, you're safe, we got septic"
Crazy ass chainsaw with monster truck tires
A lumberjack should of had that chainsaw
Manly men and powerful chainsaws for your wifes blackberry patch
Taking care of the the sister
Finding a rental in Naperville isn't a mommy's job
Rubbing her head for the stressing me out look
There has to be a line
Fidning a rental over the internet
What do you lose, Betsy?
White Hen acostation where a nerd got put in his place
Teardowns are not evil
Kris says McMansion isn't fair term for the replacements
Kmart would have been a luxury (though i would never wear the clothes from there)
Betsy lays out her messed up youth and her liberal/conservative inner turmoil
How the shows will affect Elliot
Betsy wants stability, no moving, vacations and three squares a day
She's got Bush on one shoulder and Pauly Shore on the other
Every place is the same but a trade-off for some wierd bug or natural disaster
Slugs in the North West
Betsy will do whatever good Unitarians do on Good Friday
How are they going to pay first months rent?
Contest on Monday!! No idea what it is but the prize is a slightly used My Size Barbie

Tags: My Size Barbie contest Naperville McMansion Pauly Shore

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris 161

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 07:29:46 -0600

Croncast - 2006-03-20.mp3

Show: #205
Length: 35:51
Size: 24.6mb
Format: mp3

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris 161

Listen with iTunes? Leave a comment - this will help to spread the word about the show!

Show Notes

Coming from studio "A" at casa de smith

From my phone:

Betsy is UU - Universalist Unitarian
Her faith was waning
Affirmation was to follow
Betsy's $6.00 donut
Veggie Tales for non-hardcore Christian
"Your had was possesed by the devil."
The kids have it right
What about a more kid oriented church
McDonalds targeting kids
Branding, playgrounds, get'em while they're young
The born-agains have the same plan
What would you say to someone who tried to give you McDonalds food for a dinner party?
Megachurches do so well, not because they don't smell like meat and dirty childrens socks
"Why you gotta be hating on peoples invisible airplanes?"
Putting pizzaz in your Jesus pants
Betsy's split personallity
Libertarian on her left shoulder, George Bush on her right and her right in the middle
What happens when you tell people you do a podcast
If you don't know what that means you aren't down with God
Maggie is evolving into a part of Betsy
How would you know
The Maggie faces - she can throw them
The cattle elevator
Kill you with a look and it makkes people nervous
It looks like the Devil came into her skeleton

Enough of the Christian metaphors, if you've ever listened before you know we are not in that camp and if you haven't listened before our philosphy is to make up your own mind.

Tags: christian mcdonalds megachurch faith

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris Ep. 72

Fri, 06 May 2005 09:20:43 -0500

Croncast - 2005-05-06.mp3

Show: #113
Length: 45:15
Format: mp3
Bit rate: 64 kbs
Size: 20.7 mb

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris Ep. 72

Today's show makes up for all the short shows this week. We recorded early in the morning because it is Betsy's Mom's birthday today and they were going to do nothing else but . . . go to garage sales and Goodwill. I think Goodwill needs to start kicking in a little sumthin sumthin for all the play we give them. Maybe not always positive on my behalf but atleast we can spell it right.

We discuss why Betsy enjoys conservative radio; well not enjoys it but gets fired up, sermon radio for neighbor humpers, the reference section in the Bible, miracle water on Comedy Central, Benny Hinn, the contest entries, Elliot peeing in the garbage can a few nights ago, bottom swatting.

Betsy feels like a total loser! She invited a mommy to her church the first time she talked to her. She feels really bad like she's an evangelist for the Universalist Unitarians. She really does. She called me once it happened and it was really funny for me.

We also talk about the "no sperm from gay men ban" by the FDA and the demotion of Army Reserve Brig. Gen. Janis Karpinski to Colonel thanks to a military judge not hanging Lynndie England out to dry for the Abu Ghraib business, Kris's asymmetrical bald spots on his head "looks like you flew headlong into flypaper and tore yourself loose", what Betsy has learned from Drag Queens, the epilady spring loaded hair ripper outer and how Betsy got revenge in 6th grade against all the other girls who picked on her.

Goodwill Goody Contest Continues - Ends Monday!

1) Send an email to betsy@croncast.com with the word "Contest" in the subject line
2) Write a couple sentence bio about yourself
3) Betsy will print out all names and put them in a cookie jar
4) She will pick one name
5) Grand Prize - Betsy will be your personal Goodwill shopper. She will interpret your bio and buy you an appropriate gift for Goodwill value up to $9.99 (You could end up with a waterbed or car at that price) and ship it to your home or business.

Tags: betsy goodwill croncast contest kris