blood | Croncast - From Cool to Cul De Sac

elliot didn't get any stitches. but how about some space age metal!

Thu, 08 May 2008 16:43:58 -0500

as elliot blazes new medical treatments for the family, we are left with nothing to say, but he was lucky to have caught the gardening hoe on the head. better the top of his dome than an ear or finger finding their way under it.

he was quite upset when it happened, to be expected, but his little friend that was wielding the hoe was crying even harder. i think the blood freaked him out the most as he refused to come into the house.

as a parent, this situation didn't bother betsy or me that much given his past medical history.

Tags: medical elliot hoe harder crying

Season 20 Ep 7: Koi Pond of Death, Kipp, Horticulture Authority

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 10:01:19 -0500

Croncast - 2008-04-18.mp3
Show: #482
Length: 26:40
Size: 18.3 mb
Format: mp3

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Special note: Betsy and Jeanie are having a meetup in San Francisco May 21, 2007 at House of Shields 39 New Montgomery St., Time: 6:30 p.m., stop and have a drink or two!

Kris is all business all the time
I am business baby even when I sleep
You're on Twitter 24/7
I was dreaming about API's
That is why I slept through the earthquake
Why you should be like me
Fifth graders would listen
It is like dreaming about math
What parent wouldn't say, "I would like my kid dreaming about math"
You can't negative criticism
The survey we ran for one year
The likes and dislikes are finally available
It's not that
"He laughs at nothing"
The laugh is used to fill in the gaps
Go back and listen to the first few shows with gaps
No one is addicted to your laugh
I say addicted to laughing in general
It is good for you
Adam Curry released some demographic data
So with that I will release all survey that we did later today
STICKERS - first 10 people to send me their address from the contact page
GET - a sticker
Swearing was a thing we did a lot of
We've gone through iterations
Your mom draining her tub
My options were here or next to the sump pump
The outdoor work began around here
Anything I try to do never works
We know this Betsy
The neighbor's chemically altered grass
The grass is smart it knows not even to cross property line
Raised timber bed
Longtime listeners might remember the coi pond
The koi pond of death
I hire them to clean up the yard, remove some timbers and edge my mulch
People that run their own business have psychological problems
They do it because they can't get a normal job
Anybody can be a landscaper
Kipp's Lawn Repair
Kipp is name of death
Just says drug habit
I ask him for a quote
He's a horticulture authority
You could sell his rotten lumber
ReplacementDeckParts.com
That should be your next business
Green has become a scam in many ways
AAA1 Steve
Are you bonded?
Yes, I've posted bond before
Oh, no
That sort of happened with the Comcast guy
He'd done time
Or as he said, "I did a bit"
He hadn't seen his kids in years
That TV would fit right out that window
I got my eye on them
I don't trust them ever
Betsy is soo like Daniel Day-Louis in There Will Be Blood
Upton Sinclair wrote the book just for you
Would you quit junking for $1 million?
I couldn't do it
That would only last you 3-4 months, Kris
Right, 50ould go to the divorce
Banking where you used to live
You mail stuff to your bank?
Well, it's an hour long drive

Tags: Koi Fish croncast stickers horticulture authority Upton Sinclair Daniel Day-Louis

Season 19 Ep 22: Workahol, Collecting Pennies, Astro Van

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 08:50:33 -0500

Croncast - 2008-03-19.mp3
Show: #469
Length: 27:10
Size: 18.7mb
Format: mp3

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Taking you to the hospital was a bit comedic
You are such an ass
Listen, it had to be done
I asked you not to put that picture on the internet
You did and then 20 minutes later you said put it up
Technologically challenged isn't something you can plead
Sell all of your clothes and buy an iPod
That is the way it should be done
"We're going to have to start an IV"
No, no, no
It gave me a flashback to giving blood
Those self-satisfied, holier than though bloodletting freaks
Sitting around sipping orange juice and eating vanilla wafers
Even the dancing blood drop
He is the smuggest prick around
I've had two children the IV was the worst part
Just do it
Don't tell me about it
This was a serious deal
You couldn't let this thing fester
I was down here digging ditches for you
I am going to get you a bottle a Workahol
I gotta be here to support you
Waskily wabbit do I need to you to show up in a crisis
The tables were completely reversed
You give me
You gotta put the antibacterial stuff on on it
Clean your dog bite wounds right away
You should immediately go to hospital for wound
Can you scratch my butt with your tooth
Then you get bitten
Now it is trying to kill you
The other angle that is happening
No you are trying to work from your mobile phone
Betsy went off the deep end
You became party Betsy
I did like 30 minutes of stand up
Filling in the gaps for Betsy
Then you did the laugh
I can't stand the whole blood thing
She hit a good vein
The nurse goes "Whoah!"
"You don't feel that?"
They just cut you
You're gonna be ok though
I have it on video
I know, the nurse didn't think to stop me
That won't hold up in court when you say Macy's dressing room
There was blood everywhere
The blood pooled in your elbow pit
Yeah, and you were over there drinking your Workahol
The ball was in court
Yes, it was kind of humorous
You were twittering the whole time
I wasn't doing that
I will scroll through your twitter record
You got through it very well
As an outpatient they said, double the drugs
Bit by the meanest shihtzu on the planet
During the intake you have to fill out the dog attack form
The dogophilia love that you suffer from
I knew the answer would be . . . it wasn't the dogs fault, it was mine
You people are crazy
It is the abuse gene
There were other women at the hospital say the same thing
Two nurses said the same thing!
My 15 yo dog bit me too
I know it was my fault and you laughed with her
You domesticated a wolf and invited it into your home
It is not your fault that they bite you
It is part of their nature
Mostly subdued but it is inherent in their personalities
Speaking of 15 pound one toothed animals
I saw Billy Bob Thornton and his band play in Austin
Riding in a Lesbian's Astro Van to dinner
She has a huge freezer bag full of stuff
It is dried peppers and tomatoes
He starts to eat some
The convince some people to try it
She's got the sweet Astro van
I know not to eat strange food in a mini van with two lesbians
What is it season with?
It as a 0 point yeast
The guy next to me spits it out across my lap
A zero point yeast!
Billy Bob Thornton was playing at Antone's
Real pennies prior to 1982

The Resale Queen Podcast is now here! Every Saturday by 9 a.m. CST

Tags: astro van shihtzu bite workahol collecting pennies zero point yeast gum

blood pumpers

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 13:49:12 -0500

next to the aids exhibit this one is most graphic.

flasks full of red dye that hold the equivilant of many animals blood quantity. educational but gross.

Tags: blood equivilant animals quantity gross

he can't stop lawyering

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 14:01:23 -0600

evan just wrote the longest iou ever. It's a joke but, man, you attorneys got it in your blood.

I can get interest in 'the sum of greatest allowable by law'.

Tags: sum blood greatest allowable law

Season 19 Ep 4: Volvo Petting Zoo, Butter Dish, The Wheel

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 08:20:21 -0600

Croncast - 2008-01-14.mp3
Show: #450
Length: 38:50
Size: 26.7mb
Format: mp3

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New intro music keeps on rolling along
Posts are the items in the site
I think you lost dad at upload
That could be the catch phrase from a nerd movie
"You had me at upload"
Having the love of a nerd is like that of a Golden Retriever
The red in their eyes
Like the bloodhounds
We'll get your's fixed someday
You can get side by side
And then I'll get you plastic surgery, the both of you
We do dis and dis, but not dis
I should have bitten his face
We took the dogs to the groomer
Changing deaf dogs name every three weeks
What does it matter?
You know what happens to 15 dogs right?
Sure, they die
No
The dog is walking around with cancer and a 13th nipple
Dog groomers should know better and look for lumps
The number one thing that gets skipped is the finger in the butt
No one wants to drain a dog
Let fail you
Betsy likens web designers with Goodwill
The two handed dog shave
Like she was swinging a bat
The last time they cut off a mole
It was like a half-dollar size
Don't feed her by hand
She wants to even the score
How many times has this dog been to the pound?
Thirteen times
Mom is nuts when we go to vet or groomer
Sure, your dog is big and he pees on your knees
When we hit the door little deaf dog freaked
I didn't realize she was that aware
Of course she is
Then my mom takes on the trauma of the dog
I know from the Dog Whisperer that is not how to act
The dog wants someone to lead
First of all, she's deaf
I want you to write that in big block letters
She needs to be drained, I can tell
Then she feels guilty for bringing in the dog
I know how this goes
Then my mom will decide to put the dog to sleep
It only has one duty . . . eat what Maggie drops
I swear Shih Tzus were designed to catch spaghetti on their head
Just do what is least invasive
Gonna put in a Jarvik .021?
In six months we'll be Shih Tzu shopping again
Your mom is the Kevorkian of the dog adoption world
I got Wheel of Fortune auditions today!!
I know you are so excited
The sounds you were making when you got the email
If I win money I'm buying a goat
This here is the only petting zoo in the entire nation delivered to you in a Volvo
Designer outlet mall parking lots would never be the same
Two dollars, don't touch my goat
You need to be comfortable
What not to do
I was freaking because I thought from your yell something was happening
Sure, like Maggie went face first into a hot stove
Nope, just The Wheel
Eeyor tells you how to overcome your fear of success PBS special
What happens when Betsy is on and knows it?
You get too over the top . . . just catch yourself and reel it in
Kris, quit with the analogies
I say this as your number one fan
I have been there for every party where you hold court
You'll be fine
Marcus hits my cart
He says, "who the hell are you?"
I ask where the butter dish is at
His reply, "Oooooooo oooooOOOO"
The manager walks up and taps me on the shoulder, "did you see that doll house?"

Tags: dollhouse Shih Tzu dog groomer butter dish Kevorkian

Betsy and her husband Kris Dec 12, 2007

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 10:27:04 -0600

Croncast - 2007-12-12.mp3
Show: #444
Length: 25:31
Size: 17.5mb
Format: mp3

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My stalker is back
Kris, put the shoe on the other foot
He thinks you are stalking him
I keep my eye on everyone
You are so cute when you laugh
You have the bobble body Mr B
Put it out there to the Secret
You have got to stop this Secret crap
I want to do a training series for HR professionals
How to hire a guy like me and How to hire a gal like me
Gal would be done by Nicole Simon
I need that gum scraper here at home
I have to pay the kids to clean
Elliot gets Webkinz
Listen, it is my trained earwigs
They mulch aluminum cans for me
The cafe press store, so far I have license plate frames
Here it is, shirts on the way
My dad told me white collar prison isn't so bad
Conjugal visits through the fence
We need to have a jail baby
So you can have something to look forward to
Do you mean motivation?
I never met my daddy
He and mama hug real close through the fence
You talked be out of babies
The home vasectomy reversal kit waiting for me at home
Sure, loaded with knitting needles and cat gut
More dog clothing breakdown
I actually heard from your mom that
"The veins are so close in her feet the blood would freeze her heart"
Goodwill has been picking up
My new passion is China
I just got bit by something
My trained earwigs are doing my bidding

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Tags: Webkinz The Secret china patterns conjugal visits earwigs

These animals will kill you

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 08:53:47 -0500

Santa guides his sleigh with them but according to WSB TV in Atlanta:

"Deer kill about 150 people a year in the United States."

This is serious! I had no idea. I need to arm myself or avoid the vermin at all cost.

Then I read the next sentence:

"But most of those deaths happen when deer are involved in collisions with automobiles."

Their new investigative report has begun - Tonight at 10, Killer deer that aren't mesmerized by your headlights, they want your blood.

For me, writing like this attached to stories of horrific events makes me place a lower value on what is put out my news organizations. Maybe next time a statistic about farming related fatalites? It could get wordsmithed I guess into, "Tractors kill or maim over 1,000 farmers a year."

Good work local MSM! Keep that fear coming. Now where did I put that doe urine?

Tags: killer deer WSB TV farm fatalities deer urine

Betsy and her husband Kris Sep 03, 2007

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 08:53:05 -0500

Croncast - 2007-09-03.mp3
Show: #405
Length: 33:11
Size: 21.1mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Sep 03, 2007

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Short show notes:
Betsy can't handle not mocking me during
How can I now mock you?
Kris had to do the intro 27 times
No way
August melted like a warm pat of butter in the sun straight into September
Celebrating a laborless birthday
I can't handle it
The worst joke that Betsy ever attempted
Wow did that bomb
Been a crazy weekend around here
We're broke
Thankfully we live in Pleasantville
Oh my god the cup is so half empty for you
What else do you want?
The park public bathrooms have Corian
The man tells me he is good at that point
Those games cost money . . . who wants to pet goats?
I wanna go on this ride . . . suck it up
Daddy doesn't make enough money
It's character building Mr. B
The photos like this chicken riding a llama
This chicken sees your soul

Maggie was super excited to ride the ponies
The chicken on the llama . . . she never thought of that
The 8 by 8 portable animal corral
Filled with animals
Pigs are doing figure 8's around the llama's feet
It wasn't a petting zoo it was a petting corral
Same thing happened with Elliot at Lake Holiday
The kids get on to the sand pile
The super farmer, Farmer Rollo, comes walking to his truck
Farmers look like retired Floridians they are so tan
Silver hoop earing . . . a pirate farmer
That man is an owner operator
I run this joint, that's my 8 by 8 pen bitch
It was funny when he came sauntering by with blood spurting from his face
He's hustling to his truck
Applying pressure to his face
What's wrong with you?
The pig bit me
The thing about the pigs is they were 10 weeks old
They go vicious
Thought of his probiscus as a teet
He wants the Jaycees contract for next year
Maybe some more horses next year
The animals were all in good shape
Eventually he stops the bleeding
He tried everything he could in his truck
He was trying to be casual about it
One of those things that was interesting to watch
OSHA would have take him to task
That pig should have been at least 12 inches from your face
I won't tell you what they do to the runts
Speaking of death
We watched the Mount Everest thing on NBC
They left the guy behind
Poked him in the eye to make sure he was dead
Next day . . . he's awake and talking to new climbers
Can I talk to you about improv class?
Sure you can lay it out for me
He's a professional extra
The goal is to succeed as a team
Right, they aren't supposed to be laughing at one of you
Betsy, you have to hold it back
Am I sassy? No
Am I hyper? No
Am I a bossy bitch? Yes
You have to stop steam rolling over everyone
You need to remember that you run over people
I am glad you are having someone point this out to you
We are an ensemble and the rest of your life should be that way
I hear people laughing all day in my head

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Tags: Corian Farmer Rollo Pleasantville baby pigs OSHA

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 27, 2007

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 09:59:37 -0500

Croncast - 2007-07-27.mp3
Show: #390
Length: 32:29
Size: 22.3mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 27, 2007

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It's been a while since we've done a show
The worst part is I can't tell anyone the story
It will ruin the show
We have to tell everyone we'll tell you later
I did see some of the photos baby
Jeanie and I laughed
Don't start there Bears
This is not the typical Croncast, Kris and Betsy story
Sure I have been supplanted by Jeanie
Mr B would have done this anyway
Do you want to tell your story?
Can I give you some hints to telling a story
We are going to start our story from the very beginning
Jeanie rolls up to my house
We have to go to my sister's kids party
My mom and my dad in the same building, stress
The last time was like 10 years since they were in same room
I had nightmares about how bad this trip was going to be
Epiphany was to dope them out with DVD's
Misgivings? Why? Last year was not enough?
So I strap in the DVD player and monitors
We surprise the kids with it
Strap in the kids and pull away
The power adapter pops in, out, in, out
Elliot,"It's on, It's off. It's on. It's off."
With a former truck driver by your side I shouldn't have been worried
Jeanie took a class in map reading
"Betsy, where is the map?"
"I don't have one."
Simply a print out from mapquest
With the kids I figured it out
Take the group home approach, catch them being good
What does Maggie get?
Green dry erase markers
45 minutes later Jeanie says you've got look at Maggie
The scariest site ever
Maggie colored herself green and put chocolate in her hair
She was laughing maniacally
"I funny. I funny."
So we pull over at a truck stop
I walk in with Gigi
Everyone stops, turns and stares at us
She had lifted her dress and colored all the way to her diaper
That woman is totally talking to Betsy
Dry erase markers come off very easy
Where are you at this point?
Western Illinois
Jeanie wanted to hit the world's largest truck stop
Betsy, "Didn't you listen to last year's vacation show?"
Another thing that we learned last year was to get a hotel room
Jeanie was rolling up in the driveway when you booked it
You didn't remember it
Kris, shut up, this is my show
No map Betsy doesn't know where she is
Elliot and Maggie hit the hotel and want to sleep with mama
Elliot has had it and is ready to sleep in the car
Little Kris was in the backseat complaining
Now he reads numbers he made sure to point out we were speeding
I don't recommend the Super 8 in Lincoln, Nebraska
Isn't there something in Lincoln like a university
Jeanie brings the good trip karma with her
The scary omens of the open road
I had apologized to Jeanie
You have got to heed the signs
Every mile marker was a Slowsky moment
I was amazed that we rolled into Denver/Boulder area
The kids have started to melt down
Hey, you've won another Pokeman card
Jeanie, can I have another car
Honey, Mommy is going 90 mph you need to sit still
They waited until we were in traffic to act up
Every parent knows that you kids don't need anything from you until you are merging onto the interstate
We were behind a Prius
It had a blue hair in it, double whammy
Did the exhaust smell like broccoli or cooked carrots?
When you ride with Betsy you are junk coordinator
Fast food dumped in your lap and Betsy sipping on her diet coke
Give me that grilled chicken bitch
I know you, Booba
Speeder! I won't get in to it
Kris has speeding story to tell
My great Denver court room story
We have been here for 12 minutes into the immaculate clean house where we are staying kids flip out
So we leave the house
Where did you go?
Pearl Street
Do you want to stand on a clogged street in 88 degree heat with hippies
Elliot's hippie story, guy's sign said, "need money for a shirt," but I watched him take off his shirt and stick it under a rock
Sounds like Pearl Street to me
Henry is putting up a mark on the chalkboard right now
I know who your favorite hippie is
Jeanie called Evan to tell him that they were going to see the hippies
"My ship has sunk. I need cash"
I told you it was the pirate
Very herbal
They're all playing guitars and wait for you
No judgment, eh Kris?
Pete the pirate
You could start a fish stick line with his name for $6
I have to stand there and tell my son that this stuff is normal
We saw Goth grandma
She doesn't care anymore
You get passed 70 and start tripping on your titties
The point of this story that children work on 15 minute cycles
Jeanie sees the
Here's the reason the hippies bother me
They are balanced out by smug trust fund babies
Betsy, "I only pan handled once. That is a story for another day."
The next day when you came home from San Francisco I made sure we got home right away
Elliot saves family in the mountains
Give him a hard time, you can't mess with the man
We stopped someplace in between
The place where you buy gas in a bucket
We roll into Rocky Mountain National Park
The kids are watching Scoobie Doo at full blast
We are excited about a fox with dead animals in its mouth
Elliot, "Shush, there is a boy named Elliot in this episode"
Momma, I just saw a squid
Momma, I just saw an alligator
Not even close to being in a forest
It's not funny when you are their mother
He got it from a book you bought him
A book about future animals 10,000 years from now with illustrations
I forgot my cell phone
That is what I do Mr. B
So we start going up the mountain
Jeanie is gripping the OSHA car handle
The blood vessels are popping out from between her fingers
She has gone pale
Maggie, "no up. No up. No up."
Betsy talks Jeanie down
Look I'm driving with no hands
Maggie's sense is I'm strapped in
Shut up guys, Scoobie is on
Wrap the show . . . coming back down the mountain
Maybe a little Elk Mountain Resort, Valhalla on Monday, Wednesday

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Tags: portable DVD Pearl Street Jeanie Bowen summer vaction 2007 Elk Mountain Resort

Betsy and her husband Kris Feb 19, 2007

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 06:39:45 -0600

Croncast - 2007-02-19.mp3
Show: #339
Length: 33:12
Size: 22.8mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris February 19, 2007

Witty, smart or tired when you make your comment
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So we're taking a month off
Remember that March is a desert of Croncast
Over 300 times of the same style
I didn't come here for you to insult you Mr. B
I'm going crazy Mr. B
I have been in this house for two weeks (ahem)
I think you have left plenty of times
Getting up at 4 a.m. with the kids
When I am gone I miss that
Man, that's early . . . there is nothing going on that early
Why are you putting out lunch at 10:30
My Kashi has made it's way towards the exit
I'm so disappointed Mr. B
I signed up for Weight Watcher again
I gained a pound
It's impossible
How many pounds did you lose the first time around? 120
Not eating fast, Kashi and other high fiber foods
That's not it baby it is portions too
"I can eat the hell outta something," Betsy
That is the wrong phrase if you want to lose weight
I'm not even eating the shell
That taco salad, Maggie could get lost in that salad
Portion control baby
Take a lesson from Bears
Take a lesson from someone vicariously on weight watchers
They keep you from eating the food because it tastes so bad
Spinach that reminds me of mowing the lawn
You're older now Betsy . . . you hit 30 . . . things have changed for you
"I just want some chunky monkey"
Ok, Kris, what the hell is your problem with the Murder McMansions
Jeanie called, wouldn't there be blood in the carpet?
The old telephone building . . . our own Murder Apartment
It was New Years Eve when I was 7
All the firetrucks (the two the town owned) the town's ambulance and a lot of volunteers
There was a domestic dispute and someone got stabbed . . . and died
Our new love nest was a bloodstained
No he didn't go after her, you have it backwards
Oh, I could live there no problem
She stabbed him
He probably deserved it
I just sat right over that bloodstain watching TV eating my Gino's pizza
Our next vertical move we gotta buy one
Selling your Murder McMansion
Betsy hits us with her fuzzy math purse business update
Bear, I love you like Jesus and cotton candy

Tags: Murder McMansion Kashi diet big taco salad Weight Watchers Jesus and cotton candy