falling | Croncast - Life is Show Prep

Season 21 Ep 25: The Breadwinner, Unhandicapped Joke, You'd Love it Here

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 12:45:36 -0400

Croncast - 2009-04-13.mp3
Show: #525
Length: 32:37
Size: 30.1 mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Where the shows been?
I'm not well
Hear it in the voice
Why do men get sicker than women?
It is like quantum mechanical
Betsy, he looks really bad
No one was validating
You had a temp of 98.6
That's high for me
Legitimately sick and you just make fun of me
I talked with two people this week
That's it
It manifested as fevers, rashes, sweats, bumps
Let's give the run down
New IRS debt, no longer employed by BlogTalkRadio, starting a new business
Venture Capital is tight and requires travel
Betsy lays it all down . . . what I've learned in comedy . . . so far
Well, you are being paid
That $40 a week is going to take us through
You gotta finish strong
I picked the handicapped guy and made the most inappropriate joke
Well, the audience knew he was handicap . . . but I didn't
Later in the show my pants starts falling down
No laughs at this either
Here I am walking down the street
So what's going on with you guys then?
I'm not going to list it out again
Follow Kris on twitter
Join the Croncast Facebook group
We come around the pillars
There are people just smoking
Blowing smoke in tourists faces
Out of the corner of my eye I see these guys
Then hear, "You got this one, Phil?"
Flicks his cigarette
He's doing the new york fast walk
Of course the cop didn't care
What are you doing in SOHO with a hot dog cart in front of the Prada store?
The place of small dogs, tall women and street vendors on crack
I think you would love New York, Betsy
Sure I almost got robbed
But I even love the filthy, dirty New York
It's got high energy

Tags: Prada Store SOHO breadwinner NYC kidrobot

Season 19 Ep 15: KGB Training, Easy Women, The Long Haul

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 13:07:51 -0500

Croncast - 2008-02-11.mp3
Show: #461
Length: 33:28
Size: 22.9mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Pick post any post
Tell me what kind of man I am
What kind of dirty man
What kind of wife walks around slovenly
You've fixed it
You look like Theo on The Cosby Show
The shirt is crazy
Right and I love it
My mom bought it from home shopping network
It is designed for a pin
It looks like a bank secretary
When these comments come in
Yeah, they come from new listeners
Do you remember the Lincoln?
Having to slide out of it shotgun style
It was always falling apart
Passing money out the door at McDonald's because window is broken
There was a lot of tension in the house early on
Years worth of tension
But the shows got better
Our lives got better
I am surprised anyone listened
I love you but my friend hates you guys
You gotta work with me people
We've gotten a lot better at telling stories
We like to deliver a good show
Hence, the word 'show'
I don't sparkle when I move
On that tip, we've been cranking out the Resale Queen
Catch up now
It's a show about topics
Not nothingness
Buy it used on eBay NIP
My improv show this week
This is your big shot
A career option
Some might call me gifted
I don't know who those people are
At a party with Betsy
She shares this all the time, "yes, I skipped a grade"
That is one of the first things people tell you
Technically what we are doing here is illegal
No money changed hands
Thank for easy women
I wouldn't have been married if it weren't for easy women
You wouldn't have been born if it weren't for easy women
There is a woman at the class who REALLY likes me
She tried to undress me during a scene
Does it make you feel good?
So we got Bar Louie and now this woman
What are you learning at improv?
First rule is to be supportive
Second is don't undress anybody
Maybe it is you
Are you sending the vibe?
No, no, no, no, noooooooo
She pulled my shirt up in front of a room of people
Audience was like ewww
Nobody wants to see my baby tummy
It looks like I was attacked by a bear
80 members?
That is not a home owner's association
I respectfully decline to go down this road
I battled with the Russian chick again
Shopping with the kids is like having a wild raccoon duct taped to your back
You get to see everyone's ankle bracelets
She took my plates
It's her KGB training
You crossed the line and should have never done it

The Resale Queen Podcast is now here! Every Saturday by 9 a.m. CST

View Kris's resume or download it

Tags: Homer Simpson Bar Louie Russian women Resale Queen wild raccoon

On my dome

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 18:54:55 -0500

Elliot got cracked on his head by falling snow and ice from a pavillion that he was walking under.

More embarrassed than any other emotion he laughed it off. If only we could have predicted Maggie's face plant a bit later from this falling snow omen ;-).

Tags: falling snow maggie predicted laughed

Season 19 Ep 5: Three Cheese Taco, Spinning Air, Juicy

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 10:04:26 -0500

Croncast - 2008-01-16.mp3
Show: #451
Length: 29:24
Size: 20.2mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Stuffed nose and tinny voice
Baby I love you
Nobody wants to hear about you
You smell delicious
Like a three cheese taco
You know how to butter me up
I know how to sour creme you up
It is all about me today
Sure, we got to talk about your Wheel of Fortune contestant audition
I got in 3 hours early
You don't want to be late
So I went to the greatest resale shop on the planet
I hope Goodwill didn't hear that
It's called the Brown Elephant
The greatest mens clothing ever
They are having a leather and sex toy day
There are some lines in resale that must be drawn
I would try to avoid that day
Leather and sex toy day at the Brown Elephant
Occasionally I find kids clothes
They usually don't have them
But I opened my eyes and there it was
The greatest china set I've found yet
Even if I don't get on The Wheel I have scored today
You called me
I love how you are trying to get in to my story
The auditions were being held at the W hotel
Nice joint
Other people from middle of nowhere
How do we get to 6th floor?
Betsy, press the shiny button with a 6 on it
So I start hanging out with this guy
Having a good time
We almost missed the auditions
We got in just in time
They had a projection of the stage set
This was the first phase of auditions
Easiest way to say no, "bankrupt"
When it was my turn I jumped up like it was the Price is Right
Total ham
So my new friend solved his puzzle
Some people weren't catching on
Don't be dry
They were giving stage direction
People start falling by the wayside
Then they throw round two at us with a written test
Good thing you know how to write
I made it to the third round
I have to spin an invisible wheel
Then we introduced ourselves
"I'm a stay at home comedian"
The whole room died laughing
"I'm a very down to earth celebrity"
I nailed it
That is why I have made it all the way
Thank you Mr B
Hire Kris for your tagline too
I told them that we do the podcast too
Don't call a letter that has already been called
Some people spun the invisible wheel the wrong way
There were lots of stand out people
We want 'juicy'
Good thing that they didn't say that at the Brown Elephant
They want the whole package
Thanks for coming out
Most likely all of you have made it
You will find out by the end of the month if I made it
They will send us letters for either the Chicago taping or a LA shoot
Good thing I got miles for a trip if you need them
I did the best that I could do
That is all you need
You've got a good shot

Tags: Wheel of Fortune auditions The Brown Elephant hire Kris life is show prep

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 19, 2007

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 09:46:14 -0500

Croncast - 2007-11-19.mp3
Show: #435
Length: 34:52
Size: 23.9mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Baby, I been 33 for a week and realized something
You are beautiful
You've go a style all your own
Did senility set in?
You've got the reverse mullet
I need to get this woman a PBR
You got the part up front and business in the back
A very serious paradigm shift
So sorry for you sucka
You gots to see the business coming
You have requested I sell everything I own
Mine, my stuff
I bring up your rings
What did you tell me, Betsy?
Yeah, whatever
You can get your second wife bigger rocks than these
Diamond guns
I'll have diamonds falling out of my shirt sleeves
And now after taxes we can live off of it for a month
Spending money breathing
Garrick said, "It's expensive to wake up in the morning."
Paying to get through the day
Gotta get paid while you sleep
People do buy it now while I am snoring away
We bought ourselves a little time
Thanks to Chris Brogan, Rob Shore, John C Havens and others for leads
Head over to Croncast.com and check my resume
Oh, what are you doing?
Big stress doesn't lend itself to thinking about the holidays
His TV is buying a doll and a fruit tray
I'm queen of the wives
Speaking of this
Evan and I got into trouble with this last week
"what do you wives do?"
We said "Naperville" the wives don't work
I could be making $10 slanging slurpees
And you would still be at home
We could get a Jaguar gift certificate
Maybe the Volvo should disappear?
I called ChildServ to see if I can get on schedule
Back to my story
I was Christmas shopping
I am not going buy anything Made in China
Especially not a doll
What?
Have you gone all blue collar?
They'll poison your toothpaste and feed you Aqua Dots
I don't get this
I buy retail once a year
It's ok if it is gifted to Goodwill and you get it?
Hell yes
Even American Girl Dolls are made in China
So I am working this doll tip
You can't find any dolls that are not made in China
Betsy is out to change the world
She has always been fascinated with China
Chinese history books are all over the house
I grill Betsy on it as she avoids
This isn't about improv
I think the Cultural Revolution were interesting
I am trying to make this easy for you to understand
Olympic questions next
It'll be fine as long as no one gets pregnant
Dexter on Showtime has been great this season
WGA strike
Screw the studios . . . these writers should get on with it online
Thanks to CaptRespect and MacGeek for support!!

Audience Survey, please fill this out for us
Look for the graphic on "Audience Survey" on the main page

Tags: made in china Naperville Goodwill CaptRespect MacGeek WGA strike

Robowagon - Volvo V70 falling apart again

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 20:09:03 -0400

The Volvo is holding up in true Slowsky curse fashion.

I bumped the mirror with a garbage can and the back of it came flying off.

Could someone please remind me why the dealership and Volvo of North America wouldn't help us out again with this disaster on wheels? Oh yeah, I said that we didn't want another Volvo and they said it's your problem not ours.

Buy not another Volvo I will.

Tags: Volvo of Lisle volvo north america Volvo v70 2006 V70 ford escort wagon

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 06, 2007

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 08:24:48 -0400

Croncast - 2007-08-06.mp3
Show: #394
Length: 36:42
Size: 25.2mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 06, 2007

Join Croncast Cronies . . . thanks to all those signed up already!.

Early intro to explain this show has lots of the electric popping noise in it. I thought I had this figured out for the show recording but I didn't. However, I did find a solution after today's show was recorded . . . clear shows from here on out.

My windscreen smells like a pack of condoms
What you got in your suitcase?
Yeah it has packed since I left for Colorado
OK Kris, mine smells like a today's sponge left out for four days
It's been 3 weeks since we have done a show with just us
The untold story, I almost didn't go to Colorado, Kris
Is this like Slowsky?
We fly in the face of karma
I preemptively heed the warnings
Four days out from leaving for Boulder it begins
Like the Volvo won't come out of park again
OK Blackwater Betsy
They drag the old decrepit bitch in
Volvo of Lisle has repaired it for the 4th time
They give me a Hyundai
We know what the problem is mam . . . you dripped some soda in there
No, look at the record . . . this is the 4th time
If I can't drink soda in my car remove the cup holders
The problem is that everything in the gear shifting area has been replaced
Splenda is not sugar, it is a secret ingredient in concrete
Now I owe the dealership $300
That is one less cool experience at Elk Mountain Resort
How am I going to help you out? I will be in San Francisco
That would be cash at hand
Your guilt and negativity goes both ways
I get to the DMV with Gigi on my hip to get new plates
Line to another line to another line
Boss Hog will drag you out by your ear
Don't get out of hand Ms. Mommy pant
Can we get a supervisor over here?
I know that is the auditor
Mam, your plates are illegal!
Oh, now I am going to be arrested at the DMV
I end up in a line with bikers
A line full of the scariest men
They all keep trying to talk to Goo
I've never seen a baby give that look
She's not going to ride bitch to anybody
She'll be leading your gang in 10 years
I know exactly what the problem is
There is only one man in Springfield who can take care of this
The bikers, Skanky and Skanky
It turns out that Skanky wants to sell his car to Skanky
Maggie hears the guy yell and she freaks out
Now I am freaking out
All your fault Mr. B
Your likability was going down by the day
The plates from Slowsky moved over to Volvo
I don't own the Volvo, you do Kris!!!!
What if I want to hit the road in peace?
Thanks Oprah
I was in there for 53 minutes
I got sucked in to other peoples drama as I waited
Betsy gets attacked by a tick
Now she needs to tell the neighborhood
The neighbor tells her that she just got back from New Jersey
She was there to help out a family member that got sick from a tick bite
The ticks in New Jersey know your name before they attack
This is all happening the night before you leave
Thank god the Elk Mountain staff is released early every morning to remove all ticks and flea dip the deer
I will never have a vacation as good as this because I am married to you
Oh, you are too kind baby
I was holed up 30 miles from Boulder in a hotel by the highway
They call themselves suburbs, but they don't know
Working late at night doing the nerd thing
I get to the hotel late
You're supposed to have a non-smoking . . . don't have it
You're supposed to have king . . . don't have it
The room smelled musty and like nothing I had smelled before
All this while I have to rationalize hopping into a bed that a lot lizard just has sex with a trucker in
The next morning I wake up and head down to the front desk
I bitch and moan then realize that this girl is 11 years old
I ask to be moved to another room
She reaches into her pocket and pulls cell phone
A roadside motel run by pre-teens
"I can't move you but my mom can. I can call her to come down here."
I rolled on out
I came back the next night and asked to be moved again
We can move you . . . but not for three days
I then get the burrito craving
Qdoba happens to be open right next to the truck stop
You're gonna have to re-wrap that burrito
Why?
Beans were falling out of it
He looks at me, "Sir you need to understand . . . if you bit into this it will explode in your face."
This can't be fucking happening
I am going to eat it here and cut it in half
His eyes twinkle . . . are you sure that you don't want us to cut it . . . I have a really big knife
His concern for my burrito did not go unnoticed
Colorado out to get me . . . three months ago
Stop Mr. B you can't tell this story we've gone too long
We'll be in Seattle on Thursday!!!
If you can make a live show we'll be doing it
If more than 6 people want to come we need to get a place to do it
I have one fan . . .Mexico Mike, total troll
Selling mescaline by the highway
I'll be in on the 8th at 10 am
We'll be there for our 11th anniversary
Why spend alone we want you
Thanks to Bernadette for this review and write up!

Audience Survey, please fill this out for us
Look for the graphic on "Audience Survey" on the main page

Tags: Qdoba burrito hotel by the highway Longmont CO exploding burrito Volvo of Lisle

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 03, 2007

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 09:27:44 -0400

Croncast - 2007-08-03.mp3
Show: #393
Length: 32:41
Size: 22.4mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 03, 2007

Join Croncast Cronies . . . thanks to all those signed up already!.

Kris is losing his voice
The most emotional day of Jeanie's life ensues
Jeanie wakes up hammered
Betsy woke up and rubbed her feet all over Jeanie
It is the curse of Betsy
Betsy hates feet, can't stand feet
Wants nothing to do with feet
However, she can't keep her feet off of you
She has to put them on you
And these aren't regular feet
They are a women's size 12
A man's size 11 1/2
And they are like meat hooks
Dry, jerky meat hooks
And they are rough and jagged with a sixth toe on each foot
Like the Chinese guy in the Guinness Book
It must be a female thing
Evan yells at me when I do it to him
Why do you gotta put your toes on me?
Get on your own side dude!
Sorry, Mrs. Smith greatest day ever isn't gonna cap out
While I'm dying of alcohol and nicotine poisoning
I wake up and the toilet is full of Kobe of bananas foster
I didn't puke on the floor . . . it is from when I got out of the shower to puke
Jeanie, "This is gross"
We have to get up, today is the second greatest day of my life
The day that I get to go and shoot stuff
I'll have the fruit plate
It comes back as fruit art
We tell the waiter, but it is obvious that Betsy is hungover
The waiter comes back with cappuccino for the ladies
Jeanie gets amped
Somebody give that woman a firearm
Betsy now feels the same way that I did when we were on the ATVs
Even Linda Hogan has to put chin to cleavage and push on
No pressure, step up to the plate
We walk in to Valhalla
Turns out that John is going to help us
There are like 10 bronze Remington statues
Gigantic NRA flags on the wall
Celebrity photos on the wall
John, ex-Navy Seal, comes over and talks to us
I have never listened so hard in my life
"Oh shit, we are really going to do this"
This will be in live combat simulation mode
The bullets will explode
"We do not point the gun at anyone. Including me," John
This is when Jeanie begins to panic
We have to sign a waiver with or social security number
If you had been in the presence of an ex-Navy seal
John comes over and lays down 9mm pistols in front of us
Jeanie looses her color, "I'm trapped in this steal room with pulverizing bullets"
More instructions on how to hold the gun
He helps Jeanie out arm over arm
We are not going to be Olympic competitors if rifle
Ready position
Jeanie pulled . . . and she melted
The Navy Seal saw it coming
He grabs her. Jeanie, "Bull shiiiit!"
All of the sudden there are stars in the sky
She is still standing right next me
I can't quit shaking
Do you need some water?
He grabs lapel, "We have a freaker"
He knew you were going to hit the road
Lodged, malfunction, strike the magazine
Bang, bang, b-bang
Shells are falling all around Betsy's Crocs
Betsy turns around with the gun and Jeanie hits the deck
That is just the beginning
Betsy, "It's OK to go Jeanie"
Trying to be encouraging while crying
Jeanie is the world's best friend
John2 at the front desk watches the uncontrollable shaky Jeanie
Do you want some oxygen?
Finally they send a car
Meanwhile back at Valhalla . . .
OK you shot'em in the head . . . but it doesn't mean they can't still kick your ass
You keep shooting till they don't move
The look on your face is the look in that picture!
John has made a very large impact on your life
I am going to take you to a live scenario room
If this were a long term course we would work on your startle reflex
Betsy is awesome with a pistol
They take Betsy into a biker bar with a terrorist
I know it went down but you've got to keep shooting them
So Betsy clears the room . . . "Clear and cold"
Fear of firearms
John, "We have one more room for you"
He walks Betsy into a biker bar scenario room
Your face baby, oh my god
So in the corner of the bar is a robber
All you can see is his head and arm because it was around a hostage
I turned and dropped him with one shot between the eyes
It was the best feeling that I ever had
So Kris this is what I am thinking . . . a well armed wife is a happy wife
"You cannot beat and armed woman"
They sold purses designed for your concealed weapon
I am putting it out there for birthday
Henry just erased everything off his board and wrote, "I win."
You might be the first person to be turned away at the Unitarian church
I was going to tell Elliot, "Mommy took down a terrorist today"
So now it is time to leave
Cold maze is a good maze
I think something that contributed to my discomfort was not breast feeding for 3 days
To the right of me is a breast pump going full speed
Betsy finished up . . . and says I got to get rid of this stuff
It's like the trucker's pee bombs
Yeah, except this is 90 proof
She looks out window and says, "Are you ready?"
Jeanie, "Why is it going to be beautiful? Is it going to turn into fairy dust"
Is this going to be amazing?
I gotta do this cool because there is a wind going
Betsy throws it out . . . and it comes right back at her
The inside of the Volvo is now covered with breast milk
We stop at the Continental Divide
You remember how I feel about high mountain roads
Betsy, keep talking to me, keep talking
Those nets are to catch landslides
You could have explained pump and dump
All of the sudden we see cable cars
"The highest point on highway 50"
It is gorgeous
I was not feeling well
Jeanie is shaking, exhausted and needs a pick me up
Betsy, what kind of fudge do you want
"What dude," Betsy says Colorado slow
I think that I am freaking out
Now we have to drive down the mountain
Fudge won't help anything
We made it down it ok
But we were following an RV
Can you use those for cars?
No you have to hit the mountain
The RV's brakes were on fire
It took us six hours to get home
That's it, installment 4 of Betsy and Jeanie's trip to Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla Shooting Club

Audience Survey, please fill this out for us
Look for the graphic on "Audience Survey" on the main page

Tags: Remington Valhalla Shooting Club Linda Hogan Continental Divide shop Betsy Smith Jeanie Bowen

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 01, 2007

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 10:42:30 -0400

Croncast - 2007-08-01.mp3
Show: #392
Length: 1:05:10
Size: 44.7mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 01, 2007

Join Croncast Cronies . . . thanks to all those signed up already!.

We've made it into the month of August
You've now crossed into Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla Shooting Club
Sure you don't want to bitch about Boulder some more?
I like Boulder, there are just some things I don't
We roll up and there is a guard tower
Was he standing there with a rifle?
No, Mr B
It is a gorgeous view
Flanked by beauty
The guard comes ambling up to the Volvo
Your names ladies?
We give them, remember this
"Do you ladies have any firearms with you?"
No firearms in this Volvo
This wagon is clear
He gives us directions
We roll on up
Elk Mountain Resort is beautiful
The valet pulls it four feet away and parks
The woman on hotels.com just kept complaining about it
She is nuts
Jeannie says the place is like Annie
Everyone stands to greet you as you walk in
Then there was Santa Claus
A dude with a white beard and red suit?
No, he had a uniform and a "I love my job smile"
He's got hot towels on a silver platter
He looks at me and says, "Mrs. Smith would you like a towel?"
He looks at Jeannie, "Mrs. Smith would you like a towel?"
Shit, the deal is sealed, we are the dykes
Welcome to first class
It took us 9 hours from Boulder
We'll make everything guided for you
What time would you ladies like dinner?
This Mrs. Smith would like to eat before 7:30
Mrs. Smith and I would like to eat in 45 minutes
Santa has an ear piece and a chest mic
He talks into it and poof the bell hop appears
We get to our room and the view is gorgeous
If you don't like it dial "0"
The bed looks like a cloud from heaven
I got Wal-Mart sheets
Jeanie, "We have robes!"
Hers and hers robes would have been nice
So we get dressed for dinner
It was intimidating, we felt like we didn't fit
Then I bust out the gift certificate
We wanted to play it cool
Sure, you want to fit in
They were nicer than your grandma who hasn't see you in three years
Every time you walk in the door the staff stands
Oh, are you ladies here for dinner?
I'll announce you, then he speaks into his lapel, "The Smiths are here for dinner."
You haven't told them yet?
No I was waiting for Jeannie
Who's the man, the big footed one with a bad perm
Are there any other guests at the resort?
Two other men not talking
There were 10 total guests at the resort
We order our dinner and they ask for drinks
My mom always orders the house wine, the cheap stuff
I'll have a Mountain Dew won't go over well
Jeannie hates red wine but follows Betsy's lead
Hi, I'm Chef Jeff, which house wine is best for you?
They start bringing out bread baskets and baked stuff
Chef Jeff is like, "Fuck dude! I worked on that all day and you can't say it."
I look at Jeannie, I can tell she doesn't like it
Been there and done that
Jeannie is woofing it down
I have to eat at least half of it
The two men eating alone are now joined by someone I recognize
The owner that I had seen on The Daily Show
Kris if you kick it up a notch we can do this every weekend
He comes over to the table
Asks what activities we are going to do
ATV's and shooting
We are the only resort in the entire world to have access for ATV's
Jeannie, "I love the outdoors but I can't go up high"
Our ATV's are automatic
They've thought of everything
Yes, everything
On the ride you will come to a place called Top of the World
So high that airplanes will fly below
Then he launches in to the special lights
These are based on the biologic make up of a lobster's eye
They are used to melt the snow to make an ice tunnel
Mr. Foreman continues to talk about the press they have gotten
A book on the NYT Best Sellers list is based at Elk Mountain Resort
He had me sold . . . I wanted to kiss a bear and drive to the top of the world
Why would you think that you couldn't do something?
Tom Foreman makes you believe that you can do anything
Enter the rest of the guests
Three sets of couples that look like my neighbors
Fit soccer moms?
Yes, Kris
I just drove 4 states over to get away from them
Now they are going to spoil my mountain view
Mr. Foreman goes over to the new couples
The super sweet firebox
Then our food comes
Every time there was another opportunity to be put in our place
We were still really awkward
Betsy has a bowl of puss and I get a bowl of noodles
It was couscous Jeannie
Jeannie starts to panic, all I get are these noodles
Campbell's has everything including broth
Then they bring the broth
After that they bring out dinner
The whole thing was terrific
Except that we were both completely terrified
To get over the petrification of being treated so well and Elk Mountain Resort stay more nights
Kris you are the king of upgrade
So after dinner Santa jumps up
We get our bill after dinner
Betsy goes white
Shut up Jeannie, I'll tell you later
The one thing you can't return is food
What I was freaking out about was that our house wine turned out to be $18 a glass
From their perspective, the lesbians aren't satisfied
Chef Jeff asks if dinner was to their liking
Then Thomas comes over and asks
After that the waitress comes up
Sure, they are trained like the CIA to read unhappiness
What would you ladies like to do?
We would like a jacuzzi?
Our eyes meet and we realize . . . they aren't out to get us . . . they are out to spoil us
Drinking our sangria in the hot tub
The cheap wine was awesome
Betsy took 100 pics of the tops of trees
At the Boulder art fair there was a dude with aspen photos
So we retire to the room and Jeannie puts on a robe
Sliding into the bed of heaven
Mrs. Smith, this is going to be the greatest night of my life
The greatest part of this is that I have no kids to wake me up
Betsy wakes up at 6:01 for coffee and viewing birds that were probably released for my pleasure
Do you know how much this is costing per minute? Get up Jeannie
We decide to take a hike
We start to walk by workers that gardening
When they see you they stop, stand, smile and ask you if you need anything
Landscapers saw us, they froze like deer
When we went by them they commenced working again
Tom has thought of everything
When a crossed eyed man in golf cart tells you "good luck" heed his warning
People are freezing along the trail "I'm a tree. I'm a tree. I'm a tree"
Maybe the trail was made for someone who came one time
Betsy, they did not release cows into the national forest for you to view
Queue the cattle
Someone left it on the comment card no doubt
Gotta watch out for the feral cows
Jeannie was petrified of them
Now you know why he told you good luck
That guy used to not be cross eyed till a cow incident
We can hear them shrieking and yelling
There they are . . . the soccer moms on the zip line
Whew, my Nike sports bra is twisted
We are on our way back
Jeannie freezes as we stand on Have you told anyone that you are not Mrs. Smith?
I see two brown ears rising out of this draining ditch
Out jumps a giant mule deer
Betsy chases it to take it's photo
The lesbians are crazy!
What are the lesbians doing now?
Time for lunch on the patio
We need some cigarettes and an ashtray
"Can I have an ashtray?"
She speaks into her cleavage mic
Around the corner, "I'm on it"
I know it is fun to play spies but this is weird
It was awesome though, instant ashtray
Lesbians are on porch, queue deer
Queue the geese
Then the soccer moms come bouncing back fit and tan
"Where are you guys from?"
Bloomington. "We are going to drive through there."
Their husbands, reserved and uptight
Screw it, this is all about me
I am going to make the soccer moms laugh
She swore that she was thirsty and all the sudden water showed up
"Guess how many kids we have?"
I don't know this is a game?
We have 10 combined?
How many are girls?
One
Then they struck a bad ass soccer mom pose
They brought things like running shoes
Betsy brought Crocs and sandals
Perfect lesbian gear
The soccer moms told us that the ATV's were awesome
We get ready to go and Misha shows up
I have done this ride 500 times and not lost 1 person yet
She takes out these top gun flight suits
I brought you the biggest ones we have
Betsy, "Of course mine won't zip up"
Jeannie, "neither will mine"
Jeannie you rock!
This could be customer service boot camp
Their motto must be "we are not going to tell you no"
They actually import vans from Europe to fit through their gates
Probably because it is more aesthetically pleasing
This is my new motto, "It is all about me"
Betsy gives me the thumbs up and then hits a tree
So we're going up the mountain
Jeannie is flying behind Misha
Betsy is stuck
I look down and my left hand has the brake so tight that I won't move
When you got on the quad the Unitarian in you took over
It was trying to save you
Oh, I'm sorry when was the last time you drove an ATV up a mountain
Betsy is trying to avoid the sticks
"Mam, that is an all terrain vehicle. Run over the sticks."
Hitting trees really hurts
Right before we get to The Top of the World
I look up and it is all Aspens and cattle
Jeannie starts to freak
Get me past that cow so fast
I am getting away from that cow so fast
Kris, we got to the top of mountain
You can see Utah, three mountain ranges at 9000 ft
We both had brown mustaches
It added to the lesbianism
Every time Betsy talks to the staff it is about her husbands and kids
Talk into your chest, the lesbians are not lesbians
These people are awesome
Misha ran a camp for bad ass kids
Like outward bound? Way scarier
Working at Elk Mountain Resort is top of the food chain
You have got to put in your time
John of course is an ex-Navy Seal
He is bad ass
You feel amazingly comfortable and slightly scared
I love men like that. Don't you Jeannie
Sure, he was handsome too
OK, time for this podcast to end
We ended on the ATV's and it was time to drink
Don't hand the truck driver the bottle
Four or five inches of vodka
Kris, we almost drank an entire bottle of vodka
Jeannie is naked in a robe and slippers
We are ripped
You are so awesome . . . No, you are so awesome
I look at clock and it is 9:00 p.m. and we haven't eaten
We dial "0" and they tell us that the dining room is still open for us
We arrive and there are flames to the ceiling
Chef Jeff is making bananas foster
The soccer moms start to speak to us
Betsy with her vodka mouth
"Are we going to be on your webcast?", soccer moms
Jeannie loves it when I get out of control
"We should introduce ourselves"
No that is OK, I already have a name for you, "The bad ass soccer moms"
It could go either way
Then the leader dies laughing
Right, there has to be an Alpha mom in the group
Yes, the one with the longest Escalade, the EXT
So Chef Jeff comes over
Betsy, "A-1 Jeff we're trashed. Can I call you Chef Jeff from now on"
That's not chatting it up that is drunk babble
Chef Jeff really made it
We don't go to gourmet restaurants and have the chef talk to us for 40 minutes
It was entirely phenomenal
Kris, I know we have talked about how I challenged the Russian to a vodka drinking contest
Can I take it back when you order the most expensive item on the menu?
And I was on the urge of vomiting
Kobe beef times 2 with bananas foster
Betsy looks at me like you better eat that bitch
Chef Jeff is buying us drinks
And I have to deny him because now I can't see him
I don't know where I am at
We stumble back to our room
There is that point, where you realize that I am done my man
Jeannie deals with Betsy, I am sick
I will lay in the bed of heaven
Betsy has the her cigarettes and the camera around her neck
You ticked me off
You don't like me anymore?
I'll like you tomorrow
You just ripped my underwear and are out of control
I proceed to go to the most beautiful bathroom in the states
And I don't even have to use my muscles
I have an exorcism of the most expensive meal I have ever ate
More babbling from Betsy
Typical Betsy move, "I made myself throw up"
This is the best planned bathroom of all time
6 feet from toilet to wall on a slate floor
Betsy made a bed right there with a Turkish robe
And I fell asleep on that cold stone slate floor and it felt so good
As I was falling asleep I thought to myself . . .
I love John, Misha, Chef Jeff and I love Tom the most
Why? Because he was smart enough to put a twin bed in the water closet
I don't know what we were thinking by drinking so much
I have nicotine and alcohol poisoning . . . I need to dial "0"
We have to do another show for Valhalla
It was the most emotional day of Jeannie's life
Sorry about your underwear dude
I'll get you a Target gift certificate
These were Victoria Secret
Do you know how much stuff I will have to find and sell from Goodwill?
Final installment of Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla comes your way tomorrow!

Audience Survey, please fill this out for us
Look for the graphic on "Audience Survey" on the main page

Tags: kobe beef bananas foster Elk Mountain Resort Valhalla Shooting Club Chef Jeff bad ass soccer moms

What am I reading?

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 22:24:10 -0400

New time killer for you as you can see what and who I am reading in Google Reader during the day.

The link "kris is reading" in the navigation will take you to the little nirvana that displays just what the hell I read during the day.

This new page is brought to you by my new best friends, simplexml_load_file and a feeling that I am falling behind.

Tags: simplexml_load_file Google Reader shared feed kris is reading Kris Smith

Betsy and her husband Kris Jan 17, 2007

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 07:41:26 -0500

Croncast - 2007-01-17.mp3

Show: #328
Length: 29:50
Size: 20.5mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris January 17, 2007

Betsy starts the laughing early in the intro
What are you doing?
Kris isn't it about time you go to work
So, um it is day three and I already can't stand the site of you
I might rent you office space
Roll some orange extension cord out to the shed
You're monitor is so bright
Lift up your man boobs and let me see if there is a tan line
It's all been subterranean
The meat loaf made everyone sick
No, Mr. B it didn't
Carla got it
It is the 'socially unacceptable flu'
My insides are liquefying
What these people would look like in Banana Republic
Betsy has no personal space this week
Even if Elliot's skin is falling off tomorrow he's going to school
So this was problem . . . you in the basement taking up all this space
Elliot, Gigi, Zeus, Mom and Betsy all in the same space
Hey Kris, could you . . . and you disappear
Now the conversations are what the phone calls used to be at the office
She walks down and face to face
When are you going to be gone at your conferences
They are mini geek vacations
I'm really busy . . . and the you need to get the fuck out of here look
I don't have that look
Yeah you did Dough Boy
The mountain time zone difference
I'm trying to match the schedule
But I just started Betsy, it takes time
I should make you punch in and out Bears
The laundry, well the process of what it takes to get the laundry done
Betsy tells the story of Tiffany the chow
Making my way from the basement to the executive bathroom on the second floor
Maybe you and Maggie could go and get a job shoveling snow
I have had two jobs for the last 3 years . . . that isn't what I am telling you
Can you tell me the hours of my job?
Wind it down, yes I am
Why call 911 when giving birth?

Tags: subterranean husband Banana Republic flu smelly dog dough boy get out look

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 13, 2006

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 07:07:29 -0500

Croncast - 2006-11-13.mp3

Show: #301
Length: 33:02
Size: 22.6 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris November 13, 2006

Sending email and comments by sharing
It's your birthday Kris . . . how about some home repairs
My osteoporosis kicks in and dust flies from my lungs
Listening to eat Bears is like listening to a one man band
He's not hot he's geriatric
Digging through saggy skin to find
Betsy, are you one to be talking about that
Fake beer night on the Croncast
Betsy is drinking Clausthauer and I have the Beck's N/A
You were late for your own party Kris!
What about your gifts? Shampoo is a winner
What is going to happen when Betsy reaches 31 in two months?
The wonderful thing is that you'll always be older Mr. B
Betsy is a vicious ageist Cycling through topics
A rehash of the making it to 300 and doing shows everyday
Filling our lives with craziness again for donations
Not like the NPR $1 million bounty for Morning Edition
Even the Germans are in on this one
Concerns about the donations
Slowsky at the dealership
She sits like the Sears tower in Nebraska
Betsy admits to being a conservative . . . in some cases
She may be a moderate now
Voting your conscience and not your tax dollars
The bathroom is falling apart today, see above photo
So happy birthday Mr. B now fix the house
The plan: we will be taking off the month of March 2007

Tags: Kris Smith birthday Clausthauer Beck's NA Slowsky Weight Watchers

Betsy and her husband Kris May 08, 2006

Mon, 08 May 2006 06:05:03 -0400

Croncast - 2006-05-08.mp3

Show: #225
Length: 32:24
Size: 22.2 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris May 08, 2006

The long intro Betsy with the Peacock on her neck

You wish it was real don't you
The white lady henna party

The Indian guy, "Yeah, we do that . . . on our hands."

Betsy explains the henna, sort of
What happened to Mr. Yuck?
Patterns and practice
Most people do it on the palm of your hand
Falling asleep and someone put tooth paste in your hand
The people I hung out with with meaner than that
I can't pick friends very well
Betsy's new posse 10 years plus
"You were pregnant in school too."
Betsy wanted it to look like blood testicles
The patchouli crew
A mixture of bounty tube and patchouli
The UU highschoolers
Garage sale happenings
The woman stepped on something
Betsy goes to look and it's baby bunnies
Tapped on shoulder and Lhasa Apso eyes whips around screaming
Concerned home owner slash garage sale haver saves bunnies
Selling your old shrubs at garage sales
Betsy is used to taking control
We're going on vacation to Denver
If you are on the way to Denver let us know and we'll do a meal
We will post our route this week

Tags: henna peacock patchouli baby bunnies Lhasa Apso eyes garage sale

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris 141

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 05:54:51 -0400

Croncast - 2005-10-28.mp3

Show: #182
Length: 39:56
Size: 27.4 mb
Format: mp3

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris 141

Show Notes

The mime
Calling each other 47 times a day
Kris' birthday party events balloon volleyball and jello through a straw races
The Geriatric games
More chest hair than head hair
The digital camera fiasco
Telling a nerd they did good could be the most dangerous thing a person can do
We're not buying today
Prints only from the camera store
He's making prints from a Nikon D50 8 mpx
Kris' rats nest hair
Why didn't somone tell me I need to brush my hair
My hair looks like a pelt
I can't do the bald guy with a goatee anymore
Detriment in Chicago during winter
Balding over-weight men with goatess are the dominant species in this planet
Kris' goatee is like a shrub hiding a rotting porch
There is a podcast voice
Betsy is going to put her dipthong to work at the telephone porn line
Well, okay der bear
It is pledge and donation time again
Cyclical with NPR
Server money is needed
Betsy says $4 per month doesn't make sense, $5 a month or $9.95 is better
The kids aren't yours
The one year anniversary of Croncast is coming
Doing the show 3 times a week is difficult
Kris has other projects to work on podcasting and not
Croncast will be moving to one day a week starting November 14
Send your audio or email of your Croncast memories
Harriet Mier, "liberals will rue the day that she didn't get the job"
New segment, "Goodwill Tonight" Betsy does sound effects
Visual a steam sterilizer and a triple stroller
I'm taking it to Goodwill to teach you a lesson
Screaming serpent roller coaster and rippin rocket
Betsy takes on an 11 year old girl at Goodwill
Someone took her on, she was the home team
First born kids are sibling slappers
Kris apologizes to his brother who is ripped
The hariest, largest woman in Goodwill
Time to scurry away with the baby
Dart them and take their stuff?
Betsy decides to stalk the family
Applies social work principles to get what she wants
Situation assessment for procurement
Lowlights of the old days
Why people don't want to remember the worst times
People work through it and move on and react out of fear
If you look behind you feel like it can happen again
A lack of empathy
Falling back on family if it is an option
Social service programs
How did Betsy make this political
A bit too harsh

Tags: betsy kris croncast hair work