flag | Croncast - Life is Show Prep

for you and me

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 17:26:12 -0400

not the real thing but the real suit. could be the real flag for those of you that believe the conspiracy. no judgment here.

Tags: real judgement conspiracry flag suit

Season 19 Ep 13: The Coffee Drinker, Whip Antennae, CB Radio Booty Call

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 09:54:53 -0500

Croncast - 2008-02-06.mp3
Show: #459
Length: 29:08
Size: 20.0mb
Format: mp3

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BigJon wanted to know who "The Coffee Drinker" is
Suspense, I don't how we did it
The Coffee Drinker background
Has something to do with CB Radios
The big whip antennae's on trucks
If you had two you were the shit
So some ladies would come on night and ask for "The Coffee Drinker"
We thought it might be a kid like us
A sophisticated kid drinking Folgers with their folks
Could have been the farmers having coffee
Water and syrup falls on ice in cup
Too much for a small town person to handle
Yeah, you need training to run the fountain soda dispenser
The old guys brought in a scanner
The Coffee Drinker wouldn't reply back
Of course he wouldn't
Kris, you need some help
Get yourself something nice when I don't talk
Cruising around in the morning
How do you know who his kid is?
Bill had some issues
He had rebel flag stickers on his car, no one really liked him and he listened to too much AC/DC
He says, that The Coffee Drinker was his dad
His dad tilled my garden every year
Is that why you are the way you are?
Maybe I should have said tilled my mom's garden
You gotta use the lingo
Smokey and the bandit style
A CB radio booty call
It's not the one that you are thinking of
They are like nannies
Small town = "Not my business"
I think I need to resurrect this story
You can't just end there
You have to come with conviction
Your car won't want to stop
These people just let life happen to them
Until something forces them to move on
No lapping waves at their shore
Lots of driving around happens
He pulled you over because he wanted to talk to you
Where I'm from men can't do that
You're with that Smith boy, ain't you
Johnny law vs. the high school kids
Typical
They don't have any training
This is how you hit'em with the yellow pages
This is how you hit'em with the white pages
He was throwing the beers out the sun roof
Straight up in the air
The cop is dodging our beer cans
You left a trail of beer crumbs for him to follow
It was late at night they could have been anyone's beers
There were a lot of drunk bunnies and chipmunks the next morning
What should you do in that situation?
Full circle in your life would be becoming the town cop

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Tags: CB Radio The Coffee Drinker rebel flag stickers drunk bunnies sun roof

Betsy and her husband Kris Oct 10, 2007

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 09:40:50 -0400

Croncast - 2007-10-10.mp3
Show: #420
Length: 28:38
Size: 19.6mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Oct 10, 2007

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Short on the show note tip today
I really messed up last nights recording for today
Thanks to Betsy for sitting down this morning to miss the opening of Goodwill
We get all rural with corn boweavils
Yes, yes, I blew it
Are you wearing a flag pin?
Sure it's all mimetic behavior
Did you learn that big word at La Moille junior high school?
Oh, baby
Categories at Flafoo.com
Betsy working on some new ones
Betsy's grand job at Ben Franklin (check out the sweet homepage)
Her Elvis dressed husband
And my friends are weird
WWRS baby, What would Rush say?
Is a man in eyeliner intimidating?
He just jumped the train from Rochell dressed like a vampire
Now they have a goth baby

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Tags: Ben Franklin mimetic behavior boweavels off the grid Flafoo.com

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 03, 2007

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 09:27:44 -0400

Croncast - 2007-08-03.mp3
Show: #393
Length: 32:41
Size: 22.4mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 03, 2007

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Kris is losing his voice
The most emotional day of Jeanie's life ensues
Jeanie wakes up hammered
Betsy woke up and rubbed her feet all over Jeanie
It is the curse of Betsy
Betsy hates feet, can't stand feet
Wants nothing to do with feet
However, she can't keep her feet off of you
She has to put them on you
And these aren't regular feet
They are a women's size 12
A man's size 11 1/2
And they are like meat hooks
Dry, jerky meat hooks
And they are rough and jagged with a sixth toe on each foot
Like the Chinese guy in the Guinness Book
It must be a female thing
Evan yells at me when I do it to him
Why do you gotta put your toes on me?
Get on your own side dude!
Sorry, Mrs. Smith greatest day ever isn't gonna cap out
While I'm dying of alcohol and nicotine poisoning
I wake up and the toilet is full of Kobe of bananas foster
I didn't puke on the floor . . . it is from when I got out of the shower to puke
Jeanie, "This is gross"
We have to get up, today is the second greatest day of my life
The day that I get to go and shoot stuff
I'll have the fruit plate
It comes back as fruit art
We tell the waiter, but it is obvious that Betsy is hungover
The waiter comes back with cappuccino for the ladies
Jeanie gets amped
Somebody give that woman a firearm
Betsy now feels the same way that I did when we were on the ATVs
Even Linda Hogan has to put chin to cleavage and push on
No pressure, step up to the plate
We walk in to Valhalla
Turns out that John is going to help us
There are like 10 bronze Remington statues
Gigantic NRA flags on the wall
Celebrity photos on the wall
John, ex-Navy Seal, comes over and talks to us
I have never listened so hard in my life
"Oh shit, we are really going to do this"
This will be in live combat simulation mode
The bullets will explode
"We do not point the gun at anyone. Including me," John
This is when Jeanie begins to panic
We have to sign a waiver with or social security number
If you had been in the presence of an ex-Navy seal
John comes over and lays down 9mm pistols in front of us
Jeanie looses her color, "I'm trapped in this steal room with pulverizing bullets"
More instructions on how to hold the gun
He helps Jeanie out arm over arm
We are not going to be Olympic competitors if rifle
Ready position
Jeanie pulled . . . and she melted
The Navy Seal saw it coming
He grabs her. Jeanie, "Bull shiiiit!"
All of the sudden there are stars in the sky
She is still standing right next me
I can't quit shaking
Do you need some water?
He grabs lapel, "We have a freaker"
He knew you were going to hit the road
Lodged, malfunction, strike the magazine
Bang, bang, b-bang
Shells are falling all around Betsy's Crocs
Betsy turns around with the gun and Jeanie hits the deck
That is just the beginning
Betsy, "It's OK to go Jeanie"
Trying to be encouraging while crying
Jeanie is the world's best friend
John2 at the front desk watches the uncontrollable shaky Jeanie
Do you want some oxygen?
Finally they send a car
Meanwhile back at Valhalla . . .
OK you shot'em in the head . . . but it doesn't mean they can't still kick your ass
You keep shooting till they don't move
The look on your face is the look in that picture!
John has made a very large impact on your life
I am going to take you to a live scenario room
If this were a long term course we would work on your startle reflex
Betsy is awesome with a pistol
They take Betsy into a biker bar with a terrorist
I know it went down but you've got to keep shooting them
So Betsy clears the room . . . "Clear and cold"
Fear of firearms
John, "We have one more room for you"
He walks Betsy into a biker bar scenario room
Your face baby, oh my god
So in the corner of the bar is a robber
All you can see is his head and arm because it was around a hostage
I turned and dropped him with one shot between the eyes
It was the best feeling that I ever had
So Kris this is what I am thinking . . . a well armed wife is a happy wife
"You cannot beat and armed woman"
They sold purses designed for your concealed weapon
I am putting it out there for birthday
Henry just erased everything off his board and wrote, "I win."
You might be the first person to be turned away at the Unitarian church
I was going to tell Elliot, "Mommy took down a terrorist today"
So now it is time to leave
Cold maze is a good maze
I think something that contributed to my discomfort was not breast feeding for 3 days
To the right of me is a breast pump going full speed
Betsy finished up . . . and says I got to get rid of this stuff
It's like the trucker's pee bombs
Yeah, except this is 90 proof
She looks out window and says, "Are you ready?"
Jeanie, "Why is it going to be beautiful? Is it going to turn into fairy dust"
Is this going to be amazing?
I gotta do this cool because there is a wind going
Betsy throws it out . . . and it comes right back at her
The inside of the Volvo is now covered with breast milk
We stop at the Continental Divide
You remember how I feel about high mountain roads
Betsy, keep talking to me, keep talking
Those nets are to catch landslides
You could have explained pump and dump
All of the sudden we see cable cars
"The highest point on highway 50"
It is gorgeous
I was not feeling well
Jeanie is shaking, exhausted and needs a pick me up
Betsy, what kind of fudge do you want
"What dude," Betsy says Colorado slow
I think that I am freaking out
Now we have to drive down the mountain
Fudge won't help anything
We made it down it ok
But we were following an RV
Can you use those for cars?
No you have to hit the mountain
The RV's brakes were on fire
It took us six hours to get home
That's it, installment 4 of Betsy and Jeanie's trip to Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla Shooting Club

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Tags: Remington Valhalla Shooting Club Linda Hogan Continental Divide shop Betsy Smith Jeanie Bowen

Betsy and her husband Kris Jun 08, 2007

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 07:44:10 -0400

Croncast - 2007-06-08.mp3
Show: #373
Length: 33:33
Size: 23.0mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Jun 08, 2007

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July 8th, live show, must get 20 peeps in seats by June 15th
That's your big intro?
Well, let me tell my big story Mr. B
I hope it is good after your last scripted one
I could have coached you through that reading
I would be real fan of this
What Kris boobs with ankles?
Fake boobs that look natural
Betsy, "What's the point of that?"
Hey, Kris a Mercedes that looks like a Ford
Maybe fake that look real isn't a good thing
IRS and the accountant give Betsy a ring
I'm trying to function only in the present
Sitting there eating fish sticks with Grandma and the phone rings
It's good, they are trying to take care of us
Now I've got to talk to someone
And your fish sticks are going to get cold
Good thing you were putting kids to bed so you couldn't hear the shit I was talking about you
IRS to Betsy, "This is quite a significant liability you have here."
Betsy, "Yes, yes."
IRS, "Can you tell me how you came upon having such a large liability? Is there something going on in your life?"
Betsy, "My husband is a retard. I told him to save money, mam. Also, I am sure that you can see that flag from before. I can't go out of the country."
IRS, "There goes that trip to Italy."
Betsy, "Doesn't matter, he spent all the money anyway."
The approach they take per month
Where do you cut from your budget to pay the IRS?
How do I figure out what is below Aldi's?
Dumpster diving for orange juice
Then I accidentally hung up on the IRS
Our luck with the IRS hasn't been so good
Are you crazy?
The IRS has really good to us
Don't know on this table, there isn't a drop of wood in it
It is from IKEA
This is the recycled sweat of Indian children
I'd have to write it on the underwear you are currently wearing
What was her dying act . . . she asked for her husbands underpants and a sharpie
The IRS agent calls back
I'm never going to hear the end of this
I'm working on the windfall
The live show wasn't supposed to be a windfall
I'm supposed to get discovered Mr. B
All we I care about is covering the venue
It's about having fun and hanging out with listeners
Betsy breaks down Kris's Tuesday/Wednesday travel day
Much funnier than his interpretation of it
You are sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher
Barb hires a cleaning company
And they show up unannounced for an assessment
The morning after spaghetti night is a mess
Whatever the dogs didn't eat is left over
Mom walks in everyday at 4
I clean the house everyday, she is my mother
It looks like we have 47 foster children and I think little deaf dog has been peeing on carpet
We're bad suburbanites

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Tags: bad suburbanites IRS agent Mercedes that looks like a Ford Aldi's IKEA table

Betsy and her husband Kris Apr 18, 2007

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 06:52:09 -0400

Croncast - 2007-04-18.mp3
Show: #351
Length: 30:21
Size: 20.8mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris April 18, 2007

Join up with the Croncast Cronies . . . thanks Kelly C.
We're here for your tax hangover
Welcome to Wednesday
They should start the new year with taxes
We said in January we we're going to run lean this year
Look at it as an opportunity
Hanging with the short bus dudes
Mr. B you should get a job as a bus driver
The driving tests
There is no way that they could insure me to drive a bus
Sorry I just need to get my edge
Way back when I was lactating
Who the hell reads the fine print?
Your tombstone Kris . . . . all in fine print
The lesson of my life
I am tired of and can't handle another fucking life lesson
Their is only place we haven't been stuck is investing
Unless it is my good looks
Gotta go to NY with puff in your cuff
Same camel hair jacket, less some hair
You can wear undees and have no close
David Sedaris being called out on embellishing
WTF world
What is this weekend Betsy?
First full sub-division sales
People higher up on the food chain
I love to eat the chum from the surface after the big ones have snacked
I signed the documents and didn't look up as she was asking
She was asking Betsy to sell some stuff on eBay
They beg and keep throwing the rope out
"You can take a commission" which means . . . we're cool right?
Liz . . . you are heretofore known as Mike Marusin's wife
Carla brings over a 15 year old Coach bag
Betsy needs her own show . . . "The Appraiser"
It's all $32.99
The stolen eBay accounts that keep buying her bags
The Nigerian shipping address flagged us
As your husband . . . it is embarrassing that people walk up to you and ask you to sell their junk
We're Sanford and Husband, you need to get over yourself
I need a junk shop it would be my dream
Junk spelled 'que' I can't take it
Junk shop to p's and an 'e', Junque Shoppe
I have it baby, your shoppe just needs to be an empty parking lot with the junk piled high
We can start it here in the cul de sac
CBI - chief bitch in charge
Betsy is now writing the greatest garage sale ad ever
She has to make it seem like the ultimate subdivision
It would be like a crappy play
Just take the junque think on tour
Vets treat animals not people
Take the dog to the vet and get it's medical history
Going to the hospital five hours later
Rabies isn't reality . . . but the rabid bats in your walls did it
Dead bat in the back of the toilet when I lifted up the lid
Pure evil
You probably killed the bat and don't remember doing it
Cuddling it too hard and put it in the toilet in a moment of stoned panic
Bow down bitches, I told you so doesn't fit
Baby it is always the same
You're cutting me off again Betsy
You would not succeed as a junk seller Mr. B
McDonald's still makes me happy
I can look at a T and T Barbie, a Twist and Turn from the 60's
Betsy has it locked down on eBay
You are addicted to selling junk
The same way that blue hairs addicted to scratch offs
You got the eBay juice
What happened to the purse business?
Kris busts into the NYC cab story
His wibbling moustache
Maybe that was the best part of the story
When you visit NYC have purpose, walk, talk act like you got something going on
The city is out to get you but can make it better
More people than I have ever seen in my live
It's like walking into the largest ant colony you have ever seen
In NYC people were nice
Right, now that they have your credit card number

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Tags: bus driver David Sedaris read the fine print junque shoppe dead bat in toilet