lost | Croncast - Life is Show Prep

Building Character, Lunatic Moment, Phone Cords

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 22:32:33 -0500

Episode: #677 | Length: 26:36 | Format: mp3

To listen to this and all new Croncast episodes Get Cool!

Mommy, what is a phone book?
We had long phone cords
The animal skin rugs
You probably had party line too
Building character at Hardee's
Every kid should have a transexual boss at some point
Do you have a quarter?
I lost it
Full on raging lunatic moment
I out crazied the homeless dude

Tags: new twitter phone cords building character lunatic moment

Hetero Men, Lost Siblings, Verminerator

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 17:37:25 -0500

Episode: #670 | Length: 25:58 | Format: mp3

To listen to this and all new Croncast episodes Get Cool!

Hard like diamonds inside
Steve Jobs is a Kevin Bacon away from David Koresh
Long lost siblings
Can't rock the man purse
His was a step up
Hetero men are pushing the limits
The dead vermin are piling up at summers end
The Jamaican cashier
If it ain't biting you, what do you care?
The fruit guy fights off zombies everyday
They cough, he's fighting for us

Tags: steve jobs diamonds david koresh man purse dead vermin

Season 26 Episode 20: The Croncast Shorty

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 17:29:28 -0500

Episode: #670 The Croncast Shorty
Length: 3:48
Format: mp3

To listen to this and all new Croncast episodes in full Get Cool!

Tags: steve jobs diamonds david koresh man purse dead vermin

Park Recruiting, 5 Years Long, Silent City

Mon, 24 May 2010 10:22:34 -0500

Episode: #631
Length: 33:18
Format: mp3

To listen to this and all new Croncast episodes Get Cool!

Short on the notes
Is a pretty good show
We're back to recording at night
Need to get out night owl talk on!
Oh! And if you use the Twitters, check out Ville - http://ville.ag

Tags: quiet new york lost nyc park recruiting pre-k

Lady Nerds, BBC Television, Lawn Tractor Racing

Mon, 29 Mar 2010 19:07:33 -0500

Episode: #607
Length: 26:18
Format: mp3

To listen to this and all new Croncast episodes Get Cool!

Still got the ills
Betsy busting me out on Facebook
Lady nerd meetup
You should head over there
It all is about your superiority
The Women of War Craft
Now it is Doll House
I kind of wanted to watch that
You're a total nerd now
Survivors on BBC
It's just like lost
Kris, it is nothing like it
Going to liquor stores with my mom
Our crossed paths
Maybe we met at 7 in a liquor store
What is in a chili cheese burrito
New Yorkers don't think about fast food
It's not about the stars, it is the driving food
Vacuuming the lettuce out of the gear shift
Man, to be lawnmower drag racing
Oh! And if you use the Twitters, check out Ville - http://ville.ag

Tags: lady nerd meetup chili cheese burrito rental car women of war craft

Season 24 Ep 07: A Sample of Goodness

Mon, 29 Mar 2010 19:05:23 -0500

Episode: #607 Sampler
Length: 4:28
Format: mp3

To listen to this and all new Croncast episodes in full Get Cool!

Tags: lady nerd meetup chili cheese burrito rental car women of war craft

Chicago Romp, Rams Head, Open Mic

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 14:56:11 -0600

Show: #554
Length: 33:48
Format: mp3

To listen to this and all new Croncast episodes Get Cool!

Betsy to Chicago
Betsy back from Chicago
She lost her organizer
Not his birthday
Lost their puffy dog
New York is in you
Oh! And if you use the Twitters, check out Ville - http://ville.ag

Tags: airport scam chicago vacation open mic standup

Season 23 Ep 19: Croncast Sampler

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 14:52:54 -0600

Show: #554-Sampler
Length: 4:64
Format: mp3

To listen to this and all new Croncast episodes in full Get Cool!

Betsy to Chicago
Betsy back from Chicago
She lost her organizer
Not his birthday
Lost their puffy dog
New York is in you
Oh! And if you use the Twitters, check out Ville - http://ville.ag

Tags: airport scam chicago vacation open mic standup

Season 21 Ep 04: Shivering and Grumping, Venereal Stimulant, Life Plan

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 13:30:32 -0600

Croncast - 2009-01-21.mp3
Show: #504
Length: 24:07
Size: 22.1 mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

This show brought to you by Podiobooks.com
Of those last week and yore
Kris, I've noticed that you've gotten chilly today
My body is cuddling itself trying to keep warm
I turned off the heat to try to force you out of the house
The cold isn't bothering me
So this was part of your master plan
A cocoon of The North Face goodness
All this little spoiled babies
Kids why don't you go see your dad
Shivering and grumping
I eat like I'm a seal
Get out, see some people
Skinny folks listen up
The chubby friend gets to make the salad jokes, Not you
The fat jokes are for me
Fattitudes about the chunky
Of course they're going to order the fries
When I lost weight I felt like a spy
Listening to people talk about the people
It's not blubber, it's a 42 in waist
The size I come is thick
I'm like a cylinder
You could benefit from some manternity clothes
My tummy isn't that protrusive
With the beard I wouldn't be a venereal stimulate any longer
Your mom probably called you that
I caught from my Buick
Someone was eating donuts in my car again
It's a medical term
Life Plan '09
Credit cards are all paid off

Tags: the north face venereal stimulant manternity clothes life plan

Season 20 Ep 6: Yesterday was tax day?

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 19:03:01 -0500

Croncast - 2008-04-16.mp3
Show: #481
Length: 25:10
Size: 17.3 mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Special note: Betsy and Jeanie are having a meetup in San Francisco May 21, 2007 at House of Shields 39 New Montgomery St., Time: 6:30 p.m., stop and have a drink or two!

Sorry for the late show . . . long day. Now I gotta put the kids to bed.

Enjoy the show!

Updated show notes
I think the people know what year it is
I am your enabler, Kris
Your workaholism is what i enable
The day after tax day
Didn't you see me freaking out?
Not really . . . you kept saying we have to file an extension
Taxes should be due on a Friday
Not a Tuesday
It should be a floating holiday?
Yes
This is the first year in 3 years we don't owe the IRS any money
I will never understand the IRS ever
Co-owner of a company that lost quite a bit of money
Listen, Rush Limbaugh
How can my company lose money and the feds give me money back?
The tax code is crazy
The other fabulous thing today
It felt like a tele-novela
I got to Goodwill and they were throwing someone out
It was the first time ever
He is the reason we can't pick off carts
I walked up to the china
It was sparkling at me
Get the order and buy service for 12
$20 a plate and $12 for the salad plates
Well, you weren't tossed out
Who would be pulling in as I leave?
Another Replacements.com seller
When did this lady show up?
She is a new Goodwill character
I thought this was just the Russian chick
No, she is diminutive
You're a junk consultant
I can tell you when I am 13

Tags: iphone att Betsy Smith Croncast Kris Smith

Season 20 Ep 2: Tijuana Jellies, Rent a Goat, Living Through Kids

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 09:27:16 -0500

Croncast - 2008-04-07.mp3
Show: #477
Length: 33:02
Size: 22.7 mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Special note: Betsy and Jeanie are having a meetup in San Francisco May 21, 2007 at House of Shields 39 New Montgomery St., Time: TBD. Stop by and buy them a drink or two!

It's like having naked people on web site
Sure, it is nerd porn
If you had a math site
You could put up a really hot formula
Don't open your eyes it will make it real
Big weekend and Betsy alone time
I found out alone time is overrated
I love the kids but I didn't miss them
Normally when I am alone, I am with Vicky
That means you are not alone
You guys spend too much time together
Something like that
Betsy you watch Vicky
Security has your picture up on the wall
Did I ever tell you about Vicky almost being kidnapped?
No, you never have
But it explains a lot about your relationship
Vicky is going to get a goat if she moves to Virginia
That's is like having a girlfriend in Canada
"I have a goat in Virginia"
Rent a goat
Yeah, they call them petting zoos
I just want a goat petting zoo
Tell me about the kidnapping story
Was my mom baby sitting you?
Vicky was in the cart
I was cramped and pushed in underneath
I looked like a giraffe in a VW
She is 2 1/2 and you are 7 1/2
This woman grabs Vicky
But she is stuck
You know how kids get stuck in carts
Sure maneuvering them out
She was panicking and pulling
My mom lost her mind
What are you doing the whole time
I was like whatever
The woman runs out of the store
My mom's first reaction was to yell at me
Not call the cops
I gotta sit down so low to see the cereal
I don't know what it is
Get the hell over it
You are crazy
Your sister must think once a week what my life would have been like
Divorced with two kids
Lifetime movie moments
Jesus Christ, you look like a victim, suck it up
Mom picks up Vicky and says, "Run!"
I lied about my size them
It was expensive in California
I had to wear Jelly shoes 3 sizes to small
I begged my mom at a dollar store
Sure your Tijuana Jelly Sandals
There are times when you can't afford shit
Standing in line at the Louisiana post office
So for Christmas they shipped me chameleons in a box
They arrived not alive

Tags: Jelly Shoes Mexico rent a goat parental reaction pup pup

Desert Elliot

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 16:57:38 -0500

The man looking lost as we make our way back from people watching at the lakefront.

Who knew that professional bass fishers would throw down right in front of Shedd Aquarium?

Tags: fishers bass throw front aquarium

Mic stands are mia at dia

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 12:57:56 -0600

dear united I was worried you lost my bag.

Thank you for allowing me record at sxsw.

Tags: thank bag allowing record sxsw

Season 19 Ep 11: Walzer A., Buffalo Days, The Coffee Drinker

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 10:51:22 -0600

Croncast - 2008-02-01.mp3
Show: #457
Length: 26:13
Size: 18.1mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

The Resale Queen Podcast is now here!
Every Saturday by 9 a.m. CST

About the Wednesday show
We were recording and the phone was ringing off the hook
Call from Walzer A
So this is Wednesday's show
Yeah, it was your sister calling
Brother-in-law lost his job
And the three mother hens showed up at his house
I did not envy him at all
It is getting more and more crowded in this boat
Your mom told you that you need to take care of this
I couldn't think of a more depressing situation
I wouldn't have come home
I would have went out at 8 am and got a beer
Where? This isn't Milwaukee
I would have waited that shit out
You are telling me that I am a born leader
I was telling myself that I glad you all weren't here
This is how it goes down in my dysfunctional family
My entire life I have had to be the man
What?
You shoveled in the middle in a snow storm
You can't even tell you shoveled
Doing it repeatedly doesn't make sense
At 4:30 am our neighbor fired up his snow blower
Ridiculous
Some men wake up with motivation, Kris
What would you do if it were a chainsaw?
Then he started cutting down trees
Well, hell he was motivated
Oh, baby
I tossed pup pup in a snowbank
What for?
To send to the TV station
Are you serious?
Well, I did send it
The auto response email was "Thanks for sending to KABC 7 Los Angeles"
Your snowy dog will be on in LA
You dogs suck
Jorge would be restricted to humane society
Ass end up in a garbage can
That is what we should have called the Resale Queen show
Yesterday, I almost slipped and died
Good things that dumpsters are heavy
How come they don't shovel by them?
I am going to open Dumpster Land
A theme park for you and your people
The dangers that you face everyday
It can't be packing peanuts
There is no Calvin pissing on nothing
What stickers would the truck have?
Did the new trucks ever roll out to La Moille?
I though i shouldn't ask because it would be sad
There was a time that they did come out
No one can tie a knot in this town
Ending up in the county jail
Swanson's baby
Onions in the peas
They came to town for Buffalo Days
The quaint small town festivals in movies, lies
There's no tax base to support that
Basketball game in a gravel pit
I grew up across from a buffalo pasture
Did you ride buffalo instead of ponies?
Did they chain them to a claw foot tub to slow them down?
From kindergarten to graduation at 14
Let me run the tilt-a-whirl
I would be right there
Ending up with a corn cob in his bibs
Might be dangerous but in a small town that's fun
Being pulled on sled behind cars
Watching the console in a lawn chair
I have sat in the back of a Chevy and bounced across fields
We didn't do donuts in a Wal Mart parking lot
It was a small town
Ok, K-Mart
That would have been a 30 mile commute
I know you rode in the back of a pickup truck on the way to a K-Mart
Yes, I did
CB radios in those days, figuring out who the coffee drinker was
Your mom would have a handle

View Kris's resume or download it

Tags: buffalo snowy dog LaMoille Resale Queen sledding

How to tickle a nerd

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 07:32:56 -0600

Do you know how this is done?

I can tell you how to tickle this nerd. And not it that way, pervert.

I check stats on Croncast many times a day, usually paying great attention to the searches that come in from Google and few months I noticed that someone was sending messages by searching for "croncast 'your funny quip here'" and then clicking through to the site. Funny stuff. So we asked people to do that for a contest of sorts and we read them on the show.

Today, someone searched these gems that I can't pass up sharing:

croncast better than mail order colostomy
croncast more satisfying than blue haired lot lizard
croncast cured my tennis elbow with a magic eraser

These are the types of things that make checking stats fun, and not to be forgotten, doing the show.

Tags: Google site search Croncast joke search tickle a nerd

Dear Internet User

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 13:46:27 -0600

This is directed at you, the lost individual awash in delusions that what you want to do with your face is 'cool'.

If the you that I directed this to is really you and you were the one that searched on Google for 'pencil thin beards + maintenance' then please send us a pic of the train wreck that will adorn your cheeks.

Also, I am sure that there is a boy band out there someplace attempting a come back, which has to be the reason for this search. Good luck with that.

Tags: pencil thin beard boy band beard

Season 19 Ep 4: Volvo Petting Zoo, Butter Dish, The Wheel

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 08:20:21 -0600

Croncast - 2008-01-14.mp3
Show: #450
Length: 38:50
Size: 26.7mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

New intro music keeps on rolling along
Posts are the items in the site
I think you lost dad at upload
That could be the catch phrase from a nerd movie
"You had me at upload"
Having the love of a nerd is like that of a Golden Retriever
The red in their eyes
Like the bloodhounds
We'll get your's fixed someday
You can get side by side
And then I'll get you plastic surgery, the both of you
We do dis and dis, but not dis
I should have bitten his face
We took the dogs to the groomer
Changing deaf dogs name every three weeks
What does it matter?
You know what happens to 15 dogs right?
Sure, they die
No
The dog is walking around with cancer and a 13th nipple
Dog groomers should know better and look for lumps
The number one thing that gets skipped is the finger in the butt
No one wants to drain a dog
Let fail you
Betsy likens web designers with Goodwill
The two handed dog shave
Like she was swinging a bat
The last time they cut off a mole
It was like a half-dollar size
Don't feed her by hand
She wants to even the score
How many times has this dog been to the pound?
Thirteen times
Mom is nuts when we go to vet or groomer
Sure, your dog is big and he pees on your knees
When we hit the door little deaf dog freaked
I didn't realize she was that aware
Of course she is
Then my mom takes on the trauma of the dog
I know from the Dog Whisperer that is not how to act
The dog wants someone to lead
First of all, she's deaf
I want you to write that in big block letters
She needs to be drained, I can tell
Then she feels guilty for bringing in the dog
I know how this goes
Then my mom will decide to put the dog to sleep
It only has one duty . . . eat what Maggie drops
I swear Shih Tzus were designed to catch spaghetti on their head
Just do what is least invasive
Gonna put in a Jarvik .021?
In six months we'll be Shih Tzu shopping again
Your mom is the Kevorkian of the dog adoption world
I got Wheel of Fortune auditions today!!
I know you are so excited
The sounds you were making when you got the email
If I win money I'm buying a goat
This here is the only petting zoo in the entire nation delivered to you in a Volvo
Designer outlet mall parking lots would never be the same
Two dollars, don't touch my goat
You need to be comfortable
What not to do
I was freaking because I thought from your yell something was happening
Sure, like Maggie went face first into a hot stove
Nope, just The Wheel
Eeyor tells you how to overcome your fear of success PBS special
What happens when Betsy is on and knows it?
You get too over the top . . . just catch yourself and reel it in
Kris, quit with the analogies
I say this as your number one fan
I have been there for every party where you hold court
You'll be fine
Marcus hits my cart
He says, "who the hell are you?"
I ask where the butter dish is at
His reply, "Oooooooo oooooOOOO"
The manager walks up and taps me on the shoulder, "did you see that doll house?"

Tags: dollhouse Shih Tzu dog groomer butter dish Kevorkian

Season 19 Ep 3: Wheel of Fortune, Mailmen, Mrs. Coach

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 08:56:44 -0600

Croncast - 2008-01-11.mp3
Show: #449
Length: 28:23
Size: 19.5mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Leave us a comment anytime
After reading the comments I am starting to feel sad
Kris, don't feel sad . . . you'll change your mind
Real reasons
We just do it, it's become part of our day
We've become part of that
It's like a radio station
And they are playing Rod Stewart
What? Kris you have lost your mind
Would you rather I say Nazareth "Hair of the Dog"?
What are you talking about?
You should pre-screen your thoughts
Like a celebrity does
Wive's would love these things
Coming back from the long break
Saying things as opposed to telling stories
It was your birthday it made for a weird show
I have to go to the bank
I noticed you didn't buy your own cake
Yes, I needed to step it up and buy one
The bank was a ruse
Turns out the cake was frozen
Much like you
I couldn't really cut it
I told the kids it was an ice cream cake
I forgot to buy candles
Yeah, you made me blow out a lighter
It wasn't just a Bic
This is why being married to you is difficult
You should just say what I think
Kris starts telling Elliot about the lighter
All I can think is shut up, idiot
He doesn't need to know that stuff
I thought about the house burning down
You gotta pull the thing back and click
Mr B. I am so worried about the Wheel of Fortune audition
What am I going to wear?
What am I going to do with my hair?
I think you are projecting a bit
I am going to start combing my eyebrows over my forehead
I hit 33 and my eyebrows are out of control
Big eyebrows are creepy
I didn't say mono-brow
You think the producers are looking for middle America
A mom with pizzaz
I'm not sure I buy that
Maybe you should watch the show
Men wear suits . . . the same on that they wear to funerals and weddings
All the women wear pins
That reminds me of the coach story when you were helping Andy shop
Leave it up to your mom
She'll just buy it off QVC for you
The UPS man, the mail man and the garbage man all have our numbers
QVC delivered twice a day around here
The mail man knows everything that goes on in your life
She's got QVC on the tv and the laptop
The guy from the Queer Eye show is on, she yells
We wake up every Wednesday morning to breaking glass
The garbage man hates us
The QVC bags all end up scattered around the cul de sac
When I was a kid we got the neighbors mail for a week
I knew that he wasn't paying his bills
Water is a luxury
He spent all of his money on Jaguars and software
Baby, you got unfinished projects everywhere
It's typically the man
Feigning the CWI to watch prison shows
It was a very serious sledding injury
I can wear chest pads
Keeping up with the IRS
Just one of those things
Monday you be blinded by my bespangled sweater and snow man pin
I need to seem charming and wholesome
Don't tell them about the podcast
I already did
Well then you need to be yourself
Jeanie said I won't be funny in a pant suit
I disagree you would look very funny in a pant suit

Tags: Nazareth QVC Rod Stuart Wheel of Fortune Mrs. Coach

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 21, 2007

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 08:20:11 -0600

Croncast - 2007-11-21.mp3
Show: #436
Length: 29:38
Size: 20.3mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

This is a rocking show today
I forgot to give a shout out to Marisa on the show for her support!!
Friday's show . . . brought to you by Marisa
Leaving comments on any post
I think we've been putting out too many shows
Everybody tells me that they are behind
Maybe we should do fewer shows?
Folks got a little time and they ask, "What are Kris and Betsy up to these days?"
People as things as if they weren't true
"Was the cake really that bad?"
Yes
You can't make up a cake like that
Our stories are spit-shined not made up
Betsy got a nice comment today
"you're the best. the number one on the planet"
The number 1 hussy
The number 1 reverse mullet wearer
Living in a ceramic tube by the river
Great art from dead junkie clothing crazy patched quilts
I can't go there with you, Kris
Yeah, I heard every bit of bitching
She starts talking to me like I am the friend in the wheelchair
Wow, I can't go there with you, Betsy
Off to the gem stones and stamp show
He pulls in to a handicap spot
Goes to the trunk and pulls out a wheelchair
A rental
Made of vinyl and sticky from last guys sweat
It's like me at Goodwill
A dent from the colostomy bag
You're dad had this planned
Re-gifted Chinese made products are fine
It was an ugly shirt
There is a fine line between gay and gangster
If you think I am dressing gay, then I am dressing good
Karma would be a drag queen in my world
Wouldn't she?
Betsy gets shot down by ChildServ for a job
I got the group home skills
"The children need stability"
What?
Teaching improv to juvenile offenders

Audience Survey, please fill this out for us
Look for the graphic on "Audience Survey" on the main page

Tags: ceramic tube gem shows wheelchair rental dressing gay juvenile offenders

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 07, 2007

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 07:56:51 -0600

Croncast - 2007-11-07.mp3
Show: #430
Length: 31:18
Size: 21.0mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 07, 2007

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Kris nerds out about comment spam
Not all the comments are on
I gotta shut those people down with their Ultra Canadian Pharmacy
What is wrong with you?
No one wants to hear that
It's just creative advertising, Kris
This is getting super interesting
You've dropped a lot of your nerdisms
You aren't weird around girls anymore
Just because people are turned in your general direction
Well, it doesn't mean that they are listening
Betsy breaks down her improv auditions
Betsy is freaking out
I told you how this would go
Did you bring your headshot and resume?
Right, my resume that says CEO of internet startup TheSmithMall on eBay
See, you didn't think that this was real work
No shit, it is competitive
It was valuable
I crossed it off with a china marking pen
It was pretty much like the Wheel of Fortune Chicago auditions
My sister told me not to wear my generic broken Crocs
I looked down and that's what I was wearing with no socks
That is prepared Betsy style
At that moment I didn't feel that together
A guy show up in a Simpsons t-shirt and a trench coat
I see that guy and hit the floor
Nobody move, nobody get hurt
Another chick came in frazzled with watered down eyeliner
A totally Deep Fried Blonde (DFB)
That's their problem not mine
What age range can you play?
I just put 32
You're supposed to put what ages
Every time I fill out an app - White Hen, Hardees, Ben Franklin
I could have used you as a wing man
I have talked about Mike from Second City
You just prefaced it with that
Teaching there, holy shit
The fourteen stages of improv
It's all part of the shtick
Then they go through what we are going to do
I just want to go home and watch Desperate Housewives on dvr
What was your first car?
Chevy
What kind?
Silver
And they all started laughing
I wasn't trying to be funny
Now I gotta do these setups with strangers
It went well
You are in improv boot camp at The Comedy Shrine
Naperville is holding it down
I know Mr B . . . people across the country they have working toasters
The person in the chair is the mall information booth
I am always thinking of disposable goods
Where do they sell RID at the mall?
Betsy gets cut off
The person in front of me is the Deep Fried Blonde
Her teacher didn't come from Second City
She starts a god damn conversation with me
She wants to shine
All she was supposed to say was aisle three
I started behind the door
They said don't do that
"DFB," one word would be fine
Betsy, do someone foreign
You have to get creative
Foreign to Naperville is what I brought
I was way better on the way home
You are obsessing about this
I helped build you up
You are the most competitive person that I know
Betsy, you just have to stick with it
That is the key for you
I would think after 11 years of marriage you would know when to shut up
I am just wondering why to do this
The audition freaked me out
I knew I would be with professionals
While you are doing your audition I took the man to his doctors appointment
The nurse was treating him like he's managing his health care
Sure, like he set it up
He's lost weight and not grown
We've taught him some better eating habits
Here's a fruit party platter
She's leaving and asks him if their is anything else
He's talking non-stop
This is a lot less
"Elliot is there anything else you want to share," goes the nurse
"There is something else," Elliot
He looks right at me and says, "My mom says things to my dad that makes him really angry"
"She says really mean stuff," Elliot
Buddy, it might be a good idea to refrain
On the show, but he doesn't listen
Picking up probably on the hairy situation here in the house
Sure we all have stress and tension
Your mom and I are best friends
One of those moments
Then the kid asks, "Why am I in a foster home?"
Tomorrow, is the 3 YEAR CRONCAST ANNIVERSARY

Audience Survey, please fill this out for us
Look for the graphic on "Audience Survey" on the main page

Tags: Second City The Comedy Shrine Deep Fried Blonde Hardees Croncast

Betsy and her husband Kris Sep 05, 2007

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 22:01:00 -0500

Croncast - 2007-09-05.mp3
Show: #406
Length: 30:50
Size: 21.1mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Sep 05, 2007

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Show notes:
Keeping it short I have to pack for the road
Too much flight stuff in the news lately
I'm in Boulder today
Beef jerky on airplanes
Betsy is against the dried beef among people
Betsy' has lost 10 lbs on her Jeanie diet
Blogger's Choice Awards - vote us up!
Getting to bed on time
Kris talks about getting suspended from school
Betsy reminds him of when he sent home from kindergarten
On Friday Kris will tell always funny styrofoam cup story

Audience Survey, please fill this out for us
Look for the graphic on "Audience Survey" on the main page

Tags: beef jerky Jeanie's diet Blogger's Choice Awards best podcast Boulder Philly

Maybe it isn't just Bloglines

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 20:14:38 -0500

I just got a heads up message from Rick, thanks Rick, that some more of you besides the Bloglines people might be having constant post update issues for posts that you have already read. Things like they show up as new entries.

If you experiencing this problem (which has probably been for the last two months, yikes) with your reader let me know. Send me a message with the reader name and the URL of the feed(s) you are subscribed to and I will look into it.

I did test these dynamic ads with Google Reader, NewsGator, FeedDemon, Rojo, IE 7, Thunderbird and tons of podcast aggregators. Obviously, not enough testing.

I am still of the mindset that reader makers need to fix the problem of multiple updates being displayed as new items. I can understand marking the item unread if it is read or notating the item has been updated, but am lost at adding it as a new unread entry every time they ping the feed.

Tags: dynamic rss ads Bloglines constant updates Bloglines/3.1 rss time stamp

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 01, 2007

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 10:42:30 -0500

Croncast - 2007-08-01.mp3
Show: #392
Length: 1:05:10
Size: 44.7mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 01, 2007

Join Croncast Cronies . . . thanks to all those signed up already!.

We've made it into the month of August
You've now crossed into Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla Shooting Club
Sure you don't want to bitch about Boulder some more?
I like Boulder, there are just some things I don't
We roll up and there is a guard tower
Was he standing there with a rifle?
No, Mr B
It is a gorgeous view
Flanked by beauty
The guard comes ambling up to the Volvo
Your names ladies?
We give them, remember this
"Do you ladies have any firearms with you?"
No firearms in this Volvo
This wagon is clear
He gives us directions
We roll on up
Elk Mountain Resort is beautiful
The valet pulls it four feet away and parks
The woman on hotels.com just kept complaining about it
She is nuts
Jeannie says the place is like Annie
Everyone stands to greet you as you walk in
Then there was Santa Claus
A dude with a white beard and red suit?
No, he had a uniform and a "I love my job smile"
He's got hot towels on a silver platter
He looks at me and says, "Mrs. Smith would you like a towel?"
He looks at Jeannie, "Mrs. Smith would you like a towel?"
Shit, the deal is sealed, we are the dykes
Welcome to first class
It took us 9 hours from Boulder
We'll make everything guided for you
What time would you ladies like dinner?
This Mrs. Smith would like to eat before 7:30
Mrs. Smith and I would like to eat in 45 minutes
Santa has an ear piece and a chest mic
He talks into it and poof the bell hop appears
We get to our room and the view is gorgeous
If you don't like it dial "0"
The bed looks like a cloud from heaven
I got Wal-Mart sheets
Jeanie, "We have robes!"
Hers and hers robes would have been nice
So we get dressed for dinner
It was intimidating, we felt like we didn't fit
Then I bust out the gift certificate
We wanted to play it cool
Sure, you want to fit in
They were nicer than your grandma who hasn't see you in three years
Every time you walk in the door the staff stands
Oh, are you ladies here for dinner?
I'll announce you, then he speaks into his lapel, "The Smiths are here for dinner."
You haven't told them yet?
No I was waiting for Jeannie
Who's the man, the big footed one with a bad perm
Are there any other guests at the resort?
Two other men not talking
There were 10 total guests at the resort
We order our dinner and they ask for drinks
My mom always orders the house wine, the cheap stuff
I'll have a Mountain Dew won't go over well
Jeannie hates red wine but follows Betsy's lead
Hi, I'm Chef Jeff, which house wine is best for you?
They start bringing out bread baskets and baked stuff
Chef Jeff is like, "Fuck dude! I worked on that all day and you can't say it."
I look at Jeannie, I can tell she doesn't like it
Been there and done that
Jeannie is woofing it down
I have to eat at least half of it
The two men eating alone are now joined by someone I recognize
The owner that I had seen on The Daily Show
Kris if you kick it up a notch we can do this every weekend
He comes over to the table
Asks what activities we are going to do
ATV's and shooting
We are the only resort in the entire world to have access for ATV's
Jeannie, "I love the outdoors but I can't go up high"
Our ATV's are automatic
They've thought of everything
Yes, everything
On the ride you will come to a place called Top of the World
So high that airplanes will fly below
Then he launches in to the special lights
These are based on the biologic make up of a lobster's eye
They are used to melt the snow to make an ice tunnel
Mr. Foreman continues to talk about the press they have gotten
A book on the NYT Best Sellers list is based at Elk Mountain Resort
He had me sold . . . I wanted to kiss a bear and drive to the top of the world
Why would you think that you couldn't do something?
Tom Foreman makes you believe that you can do anything
Enter the rest of the guests
Three sets of couples that look like my neighbors
Fit soccer moms?
Yes, Kris
I just drove 4 states over to get away from them
Now they are going to spoil my mountain view
Mr. Foreman goes over to the new couples
The super sweet firebox
Then our food comes
Every time there was another opportunity to be put in our place
We were still really awkward
Betsy has a bowl of puss and I get a bowl of noodles
It was couscous Jeannie
Jeannie starts to panic, all I get are these noodles
Campbell's has everything including broth
Then they bring the broth
After that they bring out dinner
The whole thing was terrific
Except that we were both completely terrified
To get over the petrification of being treated so well and Elk Mountain Resort stay more nights
Kris you are the king of upgrade
So after dinner Santa jumps up
We get our bill after dinner
Betsy goes white
Shut up Jeannie, I'll tell you later
The one thing you can't return is food
What I was freaking out about was that our house wine turned out to be $18 a glass
From their perspective, the lesbians aren't satisfied
Chef Jeff asks if dinner was to their liking
Then Thomas comes over and asks
After that the waitress comes up
Sure, they are trained like the CIA to read unhappiness
What would you ladies like to do?
We would like a jacuzzi?
Our eyes meet and we realize . . . they aren't out to get us . . . they are out to spoil us
Drinking our sangria in the hot tub
The cheap wine was awesome
Betsy took 100 pics of the tops of trees
At the Boulder art fair there was a dude with aspen photos
So we retire to the room and Jeannie puts on a robe
Sliding into the bed of heaven
Mrs. Smith, this is going to be the greatest night of my life
The greatest part of this is that I have no kids to wake me up
Betsy wakes up at 6:01 for coffee and viewing birds that were probably released for my pleasure
Do you know how much this is costing per minute? Get up Jeannie
We decide to take a hike
We start to walk by workers that gardening
When they see you they stop, stand, smile and ask you if you need anything
Landscapers saw us, they froze like deer
When we went by them they commenced working again
Tom has thought of everything
When a crossed eyed man in golf cart tells you "good luck" heed his warning
People are freezing along the trail "I'm a tree. I'm a tree. I'm a tree"
Maybe the trail was made for someone who came one time
Betsy, they did not release cows into the national forest for you to view
Queue the cattle
Someone left it on the comment card no doubt
Gotta watch out for the feral cows
Jeannie was petrified of them
Now you know why he told you good luck
That guy used to not be cross eyed till a cow incident
We can hear them shrieking and yelling
There they are . . . the soccer moms on the zip line
Whew, my Nike sports bra is twisted
We are on our way back
Jeannie freezes as we stand on Have you told anyone that you are not Mrs. Smith?
I see two brown ears rising out of this draining ditch
Out jumps a giant mule deer
Betsy chases it to take it's photo
The lesbians are crazy!
What are the lesbians doing now?
Time for lunch on the patio
We need some cigarettes and an ashtray
"Can I have an ashtray?"
She speaks into her cleavage mic
Around the corner, "I'm on it"
I know it is fun to play spies but this is weird
It was awesome though, instant ashtray
Lesbians are on porch, queue deer
Queue the geese
Then the soccer moms come bouncing back fit and tan
"Where are you guys from?"
Bloomington. "We are going to drive through there."
Their husbands, reserved and uptight
Screw it, this is all about me
I am going to make the soccer moms laugh
She swore that she was thirsty and all the sudden water showed up
"Guess how many kids we have?"
I don't know this is a game?
We have 10 combined?
How many are girls?
One
Then they struck a bad ass soccer mom pose
They brought things like running shoes
Betsy brought Crocs and sandals
Perfect lesbian gear
The soccer moms told us that the ATV's were awesome
We get ready to go and Misha shows up
I have done this ride 500 times and not lost 1 person yet
She takes out these top gun flight suits
I brought you the biggest ones we have
Betsy, "Of course mine won't zip up"
Jeannie, "neither will mine"
Jeannie you rock!
This could be customer service boot camp
Their motto must be "we are not going to tell you no"
They actually import vans from Europe to fit through their gates
Probably because it is more aesthetically pleasing
This is my new motto, "It is all about me"
Betsy gives me the thumbs up and then hits a tree
So we're going up the mountain
Jeannie is flying behind Misha
Betsy is stuck
I look down and my left hand has the brake so tight that I won't move
When you got on the quad the Unitarian in you took over
It was trying to save you
Oh, I'm sorry when was the last time you drove an ATV up a mountain
Betsy is trying to avoid the sticks
"Mam, that is an all terrain vehicle. Run over the sticks."
Hitting trees really hurts
Right before we get to The Top of the World
I look up and it is all Aspens and cattle
Jeannie starts to freak
Get me past that cow so fast
I am getting away from that cow so fast
Kris, we got to the top of mountain
You can see Utah, three mountain ranges at 9000 ft
We both had brown mustaches
It added to the lesbianism
Every time Betsy talks to the staff it is about her husbands and kids
Talk into your chest, the lesbians are not lesbians
These people are awesome
Misha ran a camp for bad ass kids
Like outward bound? Way scarier
Working at Elk Mountain Resort is top of the food chain
You have got to put in your time
John of course is an ex-Navy Seal
He is bad ass
You feel amazingly comfortable and slightly scared
I love men like that. Don't you Jeannie
Sure, he was handsome too
OK, time for this podcast to end
We ended on the ATV's and it was time to drink
Don't hand the truck driver the bottle
Four or five inches of vodka
Kris, we almost drank an entire bottle of vodka
Jeannie is naked in a robe and slippers
We are ripped
You are so awesome . . . No, you are so awesome
I look at clock and it is 9:00 p.m. and we haven't eaten
We dial "0" and they tell us that the dining room is still open for us
We arrive and there are flames to the ceiling
Chef Jeff is making bananas foster
The soccer moms start to speak to us
Betsy with her vodka mouth
"Are we going to be on your webcast?", soccer moms
Jeannie loves it when I get out of control
"We should introduce ourselves"
No that is OK, I already have a name for you, "The bad ass soccer moms"
It could go either way
Then the leader dies laughing
Right, there has to be an Alpha mom in the group
Yes, the one with the longest Escalade, the EXT
So Chef Jeff comes over
Betsy, "A-1 Jeff we're trashed. Can I call you Chef Jeff from now on"
That's not chatting it up that is drunk babble
Chef Jeff really made it
We don't go to gourmet restaurants and have the chef talk to us for 40 minutes
It was entirely phenomenal
Kris, I know we have talked about how I challenged the Russian to a vodka drinking contest
Can I take it back when you order the most expensive item on the menu?
And I was on the urge of vomiting
Kobe beef times 2 with bananas foster
Betsy looks at me like you better eat that bitch
Chef Jeff is buying us drinks
And I have to deny him because now I can't see him
I don't know where I am at
We stumble back to our room
There is that point, where you realize that I am done my man
Jeannie deals with Betsy, I am sick
I will lay in the bed of heaven
Betsy has the her cigarettes and the camera around her neck
You ticked me off
You don't like me anymore?
I'll like you tomorrow
You just ripped my underwear and are out of control
I proceed to go to the most beautiful bathroom in the states
And I don't even have to use my muscles
I have an exorcism of the most expensive meal I have ever ate
More babbling from Betsy
Typical Betsy move, "I made myself throw up"
This is the best planned bathroom of all time
6 feet from toilet to wall on a slate floor
Betsy made a bed right there with a Turkish robe
And I fell asleep on that cold stone slate floor and it felt so good
As I was falling asleep I thought to myself . . .
I love John, Misha, Chef Jeff and I love Tom the most
Why? Because he was smart enough to put a twin bed in the water closet
I don't know what we were thinking by drinking so much
I have nicotine and alcohol poisoning . . . I need to dial "0"
We have to do another show for Valhalla
It was the most emotional day of Jeannie's life
Sorry about your underwear dude
I'll get you a Target gift certificate
These were Victoria Secret
Do you know how much stuff I will have to find and sell from Goodwill?
Final installment of Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla comes your way tomorrow!

Audience Survey, please fill this out for us
Look for the graphic on "Audience Survey" on the main page

Tags: kobe beef bananas foster Elk Mountain Resort Valhalla Shooting Club Chef Jeff bad ass soccer moms

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 30, 2007

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 22:59:00 -0500

Croncast - 2007-07-30.mp3
Show: #391
Length: 39:17
Size: 26.3mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 30, 2007

Join Croncast Cronies . . . thanks to all those signed up already!.

We'll be on the road today headed home to Naperville, so this show gets short notes:

We rejoin Betsy, Jeanie and the kids on the descent from the mountain
Kris arrives in Boulder
Jeanie invents a game called "Slap a Subaru" (you'll have to listen for directions) for playing in Boulder
Betsy and Jeanie drop the kids with Kris and leave town for Elk Mountain Resort
They get lost and eat lunch in Breckenridge
After a four more hours of driving they arrive at Montrose, CO near the resort
The ladies make it to Elk Mountain Resort

Audience Survey, please fill this out for us
Look for the graphic on "Audience Survey" on the main page

Tags: Montrose CO Elk Mountain Resort Breckenridge lunch The Price is Right Slap a Subaru

Vacation calls, you're on your own for today

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 06:59:23 -0500

Before reading on, the short of it is that we won't be releasing a show today.

You are now free to take the thirty minutes or so that you would have spent with us and think about things like when is the last time you bumped in to a serial killer and didn't know it, why aging rock stars are now having their faces botoxed smoothed like pebbles and why they think they look good or something that I can't think of that would make a great comment on this post.

Friday June 22 Approximately 2:05 p.m. EST

Betsy - It's a vacation
Kris - We need to record on Saturday then
Betsy - You need to replace some gear don't you?
Kris - Yes
Betsy - Get on it

Friday, June 22 Approximately 7:32 p.m. EST

Betsy - Where the hell were you?
Kris - The only place that had the gear was in Cicero
Betsy - It takes you 30 hours to go and back?
Kris - It was 25 miles and by Midway
Betsy - WTF took so long?
Kris - I got lost on th there. There was insane construction on 355 and 55
Betsy - You are such a dork

Saturday, June 23 Approximately all day

Betsy - We have to get ready to go on this trip
Kris - I've got a ton of work to do

Sunday, June 24 Approximately 6:30 a.m. EST

All - Leave the house
Kris and Betsy - Arrive in the Dells 1:30 p.m.
Monday, June 25 Approximately right now EST

Kris - We won't have a new show up until Friday
Kris - There won't be a show today
Kris - For Wednesday I will throw together 30 min compilation show

Tags: late show rock star botox Croncast Wisconsin Dells arcade