moment | Croncast - Life is Show Prep

Season 23 Ep 12: My Sugar Momma, Lifetime Movie Moment, Madrid Nights

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 15:28:44 -0500

Show: #547
Length: 32:14
Format: mp3

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New Match profile
On the way to the ferry
Born in the 1960's
Where are your shoes?
Goodwill jeans
Leprechauns visiting NYC
Oh! And if you use the Twitters, check out Ville - http://ville.ag

Tags: leprechauns tourists ed hardy match.com opera singer

#audienceconf @jason and @1938media sharing a moment. they both killed it today

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:49:28 -0500

Tags: moment killed sharing media jason

Season 21 Ep 23: The Mexico Part 2

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 14:55:13 -0400

Croncast - 2009-03-25.mp3
Show: #523
Length: 33:08
Size: 30.4 mb
Format: mp3

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Introducing our driver, Rueben
Pronounced Rue - been
You'll understand why shortly
We're on the homepage in iTunes podcast store
In the parenting category
You're the whip cream
I am the pie to your whip cream
Does that mean we are getting divorced?
Rueben has discussing the directions that the Montana girls gave him
Nervous like Mom telling me, "Let's go to TJ to buy school supplies"
Sterling silver bangles
Hurling off into the middle of nowhere
The jungle begins flying by
Look at that, it's great
Is it abandoned?
Right, just like central Illinois
Look at you, getting all metric
Jungle was 20 km away
Fine, how about 20 clicks?
Betsy gets scared and starts talking
The Montana girls want you shut up
Actually, it was Erasure
Luggage in my lap
Moobs are getting damp
Rueben rolled up all the windows the moment we got in
4 adult Americans and one Mexican adult
Our bodies use more energy, seriously
They throw the old road next to the new road
You might need a chunk later
It'll have the rebar in it right away
Betsy asked to see the girls' directions
Oh my, God
"OK, like this is going to be so great. Take a left I don't know where, crappy town and it has a number 4."
Betsy's rendition of this is priceless, you have to listen
Around the crappy town, around and around
Forty minutes later we're still circling the town
Weaponry was at full blaze in plenty of places
Security is tight at Goodwill but not like this
Rueben speaks three words of English - yes, no and maybe
And he doesn't know what either of them mean
Don't fly to a foreign country without the address of where you are going
If I were on this trip with Jeanie
No Mrs. and Mrs. Montana it would have been safe!
The highlight of my trip was passing the local airport
I think it's called . . .
Rueben whips around, "Nooooooooooooooooo"
We were 20 clicks from were we supposed to be in the opposite direction
He hands the directions to the armed guard
We find the joint
The girls tip him like $1.50 USD
Rueben peels out in reverse
We hit our heads on the back window
But we arrived in one piece
Colonialism is alive and well
You can't tell me that you didn't breath a sigh of relief
Happy to be alive and I need a burger
The next four days became a huge pain in the ass
Look at these awful white people and their destruction of paradise
While, asking me to rub aloe on my back

Tags: Mexico Vacation Dreams Tulum Rueben the montanas colonialism

Season 21 Ep 19: Comedy Shrine, Tiny orbit, Keeping it Croncast

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 12:40:17 -0500

Croncast - 2009-03-06.mp3
Show: #519
Length: 30:28
Size: 28.0 mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Betsy's opening night went of without a hitch!
Every Thursday night at The Comedy Shrine, Naperville
Using Kris as a prop during the show
How is that not like the rest of my life?
Big changes in the Smith house . . . again
And when isn't it big changes, Kris?
Always, Croncast moments

Update: Missed the Evo Terra note. Sharing is truly caring as even as @evo_terra gets his toes did. Sorry we missed this one, buddy!

Tags: Comedy Shrine Laugh Time Betsy Smith croncast moments

monster thistles

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 12:17:41 -0400

all the rain here the last few days has given these thistles a crazy growth spurt.

unfortunately, for them, this was their last moment in the sun before betsy pulled them out at the root.

too bad her other plants don't grow like this or survive the rabbits.

we are not made for the 'burbs.

Tags: thistles bad root betsy plants

Season 20 Ep 2: Tijuana Jellies, Rent a Goat, Living Through Kids

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 09:27:16 -0400

Croncast - 2008-04-07.mp3
Show: #477
Length: 33:02
Size: 22.7 mb
Format: mp3

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Special note: Betsy and Jeanie are having a meetup in San Francisco May 21, 2007 at House of Shields 39 New Montgomery St., Time: TBD. Stop by and buy them a drink or two!

It's like having naked people on web site
Sure, it is nerd porn
If you had a math site
You could put up a really hot formula
Don't open your eyes it will make it real
Big weekend and Betsy alone time
I found out alone time is overrated
I love the kids but I didn't miss them
Normally when I am alone, I am with Vicky
That means you are not alone
You guys spend too much time together
Something like that
Betsy you watch Vicky
Security has your picture up on the wall
Did I ever tell you about Vicky almost being kidnapped?
No, you never have
But it explains a lot about your relationship
Vicky is going to get a goat if she moves to Virginia
That's is like having a girlfriend in Canada
"I have a goat in Virginia"
Rent a goat
Yeah, they call them petting zoos
I just want a goat petting zoo
Tell me about the kidnapping story
Was my mom baby sitting you?
Vicky was in the cart
I was cramped and pushed in underneath
I looked like a giraffe in a VW
She is 2 1/2 and you are 7 1/2
This woman grabs Vicky
But she is stuck
You know how kids get stuck in carts
Sure maneuvering them out
She was panicking and pulling
My mom lost her mind
What are you doing the whole time
I was like whatever
The woman runs out of the store
My mom's first reaction was to yell at me
Not call the cops
I gotta sit down so low to see the cereal
I don't know what it is
Get the hell over it
You are crazy
Your sister must think once a week what my life would have been like
Divorced with two kids
Lifetime movie moments
Jesus Christ, you look like a victim, suck it up
Mom picks up Vicky and says, "Run!"
I lied about my size them
It was expensive in California
I had to wear Jelly shoes 3 sizes to small
I begged my mom at a dollar store
Sure your Tijuana Jelly Sandals
There are times when you can't afford shit
Standing in line at the Louisiana post office
So for Christmas they shipped me chameleons in a box
They arrived not alive

Tags: Jelly Shoes Mexico rent a goat parental reaction pup pup

TechCrunch40 in 60 seconds - a belated tale

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 11:33:28 -0500

Remember TechCrunch40 from a few months back? I do.

Some of you have lived it through my eyes as I recounted the story on the show and others of you at parties. This 60 seconds I will never relive again but I knew it was magical moment. Consider it Parable 2.0.

Scene: I am in the lower level bathroom of the Palace Hotel brushing my teeth. It is silent for twenty seconds. Silence is broken by a guy leaving a stall. I have no idea he was in there. I see his badge in the mirror, Demo Pit badge. He walks right out. Didn't wash his hands. Note to self - wtf, that is gross he is going to be shaking hands all day. I'll live.

Ten seconds later another stall door opens and out walks another guy with a Demo Pit badge. He walks up to the mirror. Begins running fingers through hair. Finishes and walks out of the bathroom. Doesn't wash his hands. I am completely grossed out.

I am finishing up brushing my teeth. Ten seconds later in walks a VC (one that we all know) and he comes over to the sink. He makes small talk while washing his hands. Walks away to use facilities.

Twenty seconds after my thoughts are complete. The lesson that has been taught to me is clear:

A Demo Pit guy will rub his hands in his butt and shake your hand, but a VC will wash his hands before he touches his junk.

Tags: Purell Parable 2.0 Demo Pit TechCrunch40

One of those moments

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 17:54:24 -0500

With so much going on around here - Croncast hiatus, kids on vacation, seeing old friends, the holidays and looking for a new job, I've got time to be both stressed and relaxed at the same time. Which, has my brain in a wildly creative state.

I was thinking about my life today, and more specifically my life with Betsy, and the circumstances in both of our lives when we knew each of the other was the "one". We had many of the same friends and participated in the same recreational activities but had not all that much in common. It was the right fit though!

Since that time, over 14 years ago, and like many married couples there have been good times and bad times. In all of these situations most of my memories of them include associations such as people, places and the emotions of those times.

As I was processing this out today while writing some code I was able to sum it up, if only to myself, like this - the only ghosts in this world are the ones that we create.

Life is all about choices. It's time to ring out the old and welcome the new!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND YOURS!!!

Tags: New Year ghosts 2007 Croncast

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 23, 2007

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:02:48 -0500

Croncast - 2007-11-23.mp3
Show: #437
Length: 16:52
Size: 11.6mb
Format: mp3

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Short show . . . Betsy has places to be
Special intro by Elliot
Croncast live from the man pit
I forgot to mention Wal Mart
You can hear us there now
Shut up, Kris
Can't you hear us being piped into their stores?
People shopping and there we are with turkey fryers
We got FFA stories
The great turkey fry off jamboree we were invited to
Fryers, Keystone Light and firearms
Competitive fry off
Zis is my Wolfgang Puck oil
I don't think so Betsy
Celebrating by frying everything in sight
Grill on three legs and a cement block
Bugs? Forget it
Frying ice cubes
Guys around stuff on fire
I would do the firearms and clay pigeons
We are the hick/redneck ultimate starter kit
My thoughts make it tough to hang with the middle class
That is the relationship that has no boundaries
We just say the stuff they think but don't say
The turkey you made . . . oh, baby
Sacrifice of the bird
Who eats stuffing any other time of year?
What's wrong with Paganism anyway?
I'm not ripping on Pagans
What you are saying is that, "I fucked up the turkey and you were afraid."
29 cent a pound turkey, Pilgrims Pride
It had been beaten to death
It looked like it had just jumped in to the Latin Kings
It was black inside
I will never mess up another turkey again
You will have moist turkey for the rest of your days
The moment between you and your mom
"Like you do"
That is your mom's favorite quote
Living up to her standards
I tried cutting the leg when you asked
Sparks flew off the knife . . . not really
Sawing it into pieces
There was no layer other than the outer
The thrill of standing in line for deal
Sven Olacksen in the desert
What kind of job is jumping out of a plane?
The perfect job
You can have any job you want without kids
It frees you up
I had to meet you at 16
That's it
Elliot's special outro

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Tags: Wolfgang Puck Wal Mart turkey fryer Pilgrim's Pride beaten turkey

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 12, 2007

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 09:12:30 -0500

Croncast - 2007-11-12.mp3
Show: #432
Length: 29:27
Size: 20.2mb
Format: mp3

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Monday is a great day to start the week
Yes, I forgot to tell you
The first time that I get to do a birthday show
I guess I am going to Goodwill
It's cool to swear it off
You should take up cardigans and turtle necks
When guys my age are geezers
We will be rocking the grunge look at the convelescent home
I was watching TV on something that is no longer around the house
There was a moment of clarity
I was watching an animal show
There was bear running in slow motion
Beautful
And the narrator pops in "This was the point when Charlie was ready to attack."
Does the bear know that his name is Charlie
It's all about relating to the world around us
We do what is comfortable
We would break the glass bottom boat weight limit
We'll be living fat for the next few months
Ok, hush you have to let me speak Mr. B
The fabulousity of puffy cuffedness
You know the job thing didn't work out
You're taking a moment to rest
And I am looking at the TV
It isn't that big
Spending that much on a TV
I can get you one tomorrow at Goodwill for $50
Yeah, it might weigh 650 pounds
Take your old Chicago technology with you
So I called Costco and told them about the broken ass TV
I just want my number tattooed on me
Betsy, you just like the exclusivity
Having to flash your card
Being a Costco member, stand back bitches
Yeah, as we stand next to the coffins
42 inches is not the big
I'm not going to go there, Kris
We roll in with two crabby kids
He's talking about throwing dead animals in the coffin
Which one do you like mommy?
I just need to find someone to throw in there
He is your child, Betsy
So they start helping us out
Everyone is watching
Fuck bling and diamonds
Roll around with a big screen TV
I had a pack of men following me
Asking me 30 questions
Ahhh, we can't take that back
Why?
You have everything but the manual
You can't take it back without the manual?
Nope
Are you kidding me?
Every time I walked by it
How the fuck did I get here?
I bet you have that thought a lot
Betsy starts rolling on them
It's your birthday, I am going to let you speak
Baby, he was still eying us up
Was he going to tackle us?
Stop them - they are going to buy oranges and pampers
Best friends
I would be a complete asshole if I got another TV right now
I didn't consult for 11 months
I need my business up and running right now . . . takes time
Same thing with jobs . . . takes time
A big day is talking to three recruiters
Betsy's denial policy
Thanks to Karen Vitale for the Franklin Mint vault check

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Tags: Vizio Costco Goodwill named bears denial policy

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 07, 2007

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 07:56:51 -0500

Croncast - 2007-11-07.mp3
Show: #430
Length: 31:18
Size: 21.0mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 07, 2007

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Kris nerds out about comment spam
Not all the comments are on
I gotta shut those people down with their Ultra Canadian Pharmacy
What is wrong with you?
No one wants to hear that
It's just creative advertising, Kris
This is getting super interesting
You've dropped a lot of your nerdisms
You aren't weird around girls anymore
Just because people are turned in your general direction
Well, it doesn't mean that they are listening
Betsy breaks down her improv auditions
Betsy is freaking out
I told you how this would go
Did you bring your headshot and resume?
Right, my resume that says CEO of internet startup TheSmithMall on eBay
See, you didn't think that this was real work
No shit, it is competitive
It was valuable
I crossed it off with a china marking pen
It was pretty much like the Wheel of Fortune Chicago auditions
My sister told me not to wear my generic broken Crocs
I looked down and that's what I was wearing with no socks
That is prepared Betsy style
At that moment I didn't feel that together
A guy show up in a Simpsons t-shirt and a trench coat
I see that guy and hit the floor
Nobody move, nobody get hurt
Another chick came in frazzled with watered down eyeliner
A totally Deep Fried Blonde (DFB)
That's their problem not mine
What age range can you play?
I just put 32
You're supposed to put what ages
Every time I fill out an app - White Hen, Hardees, Ben Franklin
I could have used you as a wing man
I have talked about Mike from Second City
You just prefaced it with that
Teaching there, holy shit
The fourteen stages of improv
It's all part of the shtick
Then they go through what we are going to do
I just want to go home and watch Desperate Housewives on dvr
What was your first car?
Chevy
What kind?
Silver
And they all started laughing
I wasn't trying to be funny
Now I gotta do these setups with strangers
It went well
You are in improv boot camp at The Comedy Shrine
Naperville is holding it down
I know Mr B . . . people across the country they have working toasters
The person in the chair is the mall information booth
I am always thinking of disposable goods
Where do they sell RID at the mall?
Betsy gets cut off
The person in front of me is the Deep Fried Blonde
Her teacher didn't come from Second City
She starts a god damn conversation with me
She wants to shine
All she was supposed to say was aisle three
I started behind the door
They said don't do that
"DFB," one word would be fine
Betsy, do someone foreign
You have to get creative
Foreign to Naperville is what I brought
I was way better on the way home
You are obsessing about this
I helped build you up
You are the most competitive person that I know
Betsy, you just have to stick with it
That is the key for you
I would think after 11 years of marriage you would know when to shut up
I am just wondering why to do this
The audition freaked me out
I knew I would be with professionals
While you are doing your audition I took the man to his doctors appointment
The nurse was treating him like he's managing his health care
Sure, like he set it up
He's lost weight and not grown
We've taught him some better eating habits
Here's a fruit party platter
She's leaving and asks him if their is anything else
He's talking non-stop
This is a lot less
"Elliot is there anything else you want to share," goes the nurse
"There is something else," Elliot
He looks right at me and says, "My mom says things to my dad that makes him really angry"
"She says really mean stuff," Elliot
Buddy, it might be a good idea to refrain
On the show, but he doesn't listen
Picking up probably on the hairy situation here in the house
Sure we all have stress and tension
Your mom and I are best friends
One of those moments
Then the kid asks, "Why am I in a foster home?"
Tomorrow, is the 3 YEAR CRONCAST ANNIVERSARY

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Tags: Second City The Comedy Shrine Deep Fried Blonde Hardees Croncast

Saturday code goodness means flickr, flafoo and twitter

Sat, 13 Oct 2007 16:31:21 -0400

So far I've got a new flickr + twitter script done and need to move on to flafoo while I have some daylight to burn.

The flickr + twitter code is why all of the pics have been showing up as posts and why all the people following me on twitter got blasted with 20 messages at once . . . sorry for that. I promptly setup a twitter account to test with.

For the last two months I have been sending photos from my phone to flickr and having them inserted as blog posts. Which has been pretty awesome and a ton of fun. But what I was missing was the twitter connection. Not anymore.

Now, thanks to this post from Dave Winer and code that I had already written for @tweetair (coming very soon, I swear), flafoo and Croncast, it took about ten minutes to get it up and running.

Dave's post was important because it turned the light for me. The "Ahaa" moment was when I realized I was already parsing my flickr feed every two minutes anyway looking for photos that I had marked to be blog posts. All I needed to do was differentiate what was to be a blog post from that of a twitter update.

It took about two seconds.

I make blog posts from flickr by starting a description of a photo with an asterisk, like so "*", and adding my content after that. For twitter I use "^" to tell the script to send a tweet. If I use them together "*^" then I get both.

Dave's setup with TwitterGram is much cleaner, using only the tag portion to note that a flickr upload is meant to be a tweet, simple and clean. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to tweet their flickr photos with ease. My code is custom and considerably more messy for a guy that wants to have control over blog posts, blog posts and tweets or just tweets by uploading photos to flickr.

API's + the RSS 2.0 + curl + simplexml_load_file = ridiculously low threshold for a mediocre coder to join the integration party.

Speaking of API's, I will be updating flafoo today and possibly tomorrow with new categories that will henceforth be known as "flafoogeries" and the ability for anyone to add a "flafoogery" from the site.

Tags: TwitterGram Dave Winer twitter flickr flafoo

Betsy and her husband Kris Sep 14, 2007

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 10:00:26 -0400

Croncast - 2007-09-14.mp3
Show: #410
Length: 34:42
Size: 23.8mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Sep 14, 2007

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Early insert for TFF - Tell a Friend Friday
Go out and tell a friend about Croncast
We now have a way for you to even tell strangers
STICKERS! They'll be here on Tuesday
Here's what it will look like . . . inside the red area with rounded corners
To get your sticker send $2.00 support from the site or get 3 stickers for $5.00

Now to the show notes
Trescadecaphobes yesterday was the day
Today it is safe it is the 14th
It was a good 13th for me
You are on a nerd high Mr. B . . . I'm gonna let you roll
Yeah, I am stoked
I saw in Google Reader that TechCrunch 40 had 5 press/blogger passes available
Sent Jason Calacanis a message
Hour and a half later I was good to go
So thanks to Jason . . . I am really looking forward to the event
I'll crank out some podcasts
Thanks to Rick and Robin for putting me up next week
I'll get to see the solar panels
We should buy carbon credits from them
It's good to be all in Mr B
Like I said, you've got to strike while the iron is hot
Can I now tell my story, Kris
I had a creepy thing happen to me last night
I gotta thank people
I don't tell people thank you enough
You don't
I know baby
I had the best lesson taught to me by my uncle
He sent me a thank you note
Then on the back it said, "This is what a thank you not looks like."
He told you!
Betsy's problem is she buys them and writes them but just doesn't follow through
The only person that always gets them in neighbor . . . I can walk them over
So what happened on your dark night
Yeah, your creepy story . . . sorry that I asked
Get off the stage bitch
I don't have to work with anyone
I reallize that I left my purse in the bar
The drunk bouncer stops me and cuts me off
He's a drunk frat boy
Where them diet chocolate shakes at
He gets all up in my face
Sucking in my oxygen, that close
Listen, I am as old as dirt
We get into this battle of the wits
My she is fabulous . . . she is so witty
Do you know what he did?
Started crying
No, he kissed me
Silence
The most disgusting moment of my life
I know you stepped back into his personal space
So he kissed you . . . where?
My lips
I was shocked
I can't believe you are telling me now, not last night
You didn't seem to mention it
Yeah, I'm running away with the bouncer
Takes a certain type of dude to handle a lady like you
Don't take that personally
Your behavior can be interpreted different ways
I did not invade this man's space
Think of the sweet alley action he gets
I gotta tell you not a big fan of improv night or Bar Louie
I didn't expect to hear this
No, I don't find it alright to deal with
The most competent individual you can hire for $6
The score is 1 me, you 0
The reason that I have an issue with it is that I would have rumbled
I would have hit him
Really?
Notice how I said I would have hit him, not kicked his ass
Oh, Mr. B
Improv class might not be my thing
Betsy tells us all about improv
You are milking that imaginary cow all wrong
Oh, no, no . . . I was in FFA I know how to milk a cow city man

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Tags: Bar Louie TechCrunch 40 Jason Calacanis TFF croncast stickers

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 27, 2007

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 09:06:37 -0400

Croncast - 2007-08-27.mp3
Show: #402
Length: 26:33
Size: 18.4mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 27, 2007

This podcast is brought to you by Palegroove Studios
This is a cantankerous show
Betsy goes away for the weekend as another person
She returns crazed
No I had an urge Mr B
It has nothing to do with you
"I hung out at Jeanies"
"Well, I went to the beer garden"
That isn't what you said
Who are you and where did you go this weekend?
That perfect moment
During that awkward pause it was time to stumble down to the tattoo joint
Jeanie said a tattoo on your face is stupid
You mean like the Kat Von D chick?
I like it when you like ladies on TV
It takes the pressure off of me
I don't know what the direction of today's show is
It is in your brain Mr B
No it isn't
You switch out of mommy mode when you go to see Jeanie
You become "that" Betsy
Calling why the kids are screaming
Elliot be nice to your sister
Betsy blows this way out of proportion
Maggie burned her hand on a hot dish
Mommy is drinking guys . . . let me put the buzz kill on speaker phone
The buzz kill? I had $200 in my bank account
I look before taking the kids to the zoo
Negative $150
It was your fault Betsy . . . I was calling to verify you made the payment
I didn't even call you one time to complain
Booba is pulling no punches
The picture you paint for people, baby
It is a good thing you didn't go running around
I really haven't told you the extent of what is going on two floors up
You need to be down here drumming up cash
The handy-men have been here en mass
Sometimes it does feel like I'm living with my mother
Zues pees on the Corvette driving bathroom tile guy . . . You're hired
All I see is Grizzly Adams making love to my dog
Kris's broken arm setting story
Betsy gets it all wrong
People never related to your small town stories, Kris
I know it is hard, but that is the way that most people live
You mean Kris Smith the basketball player
I swore a lot during this show
Keep it down . . . Grandpa's listening
Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes
Betsy says go an see Super Bad

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Tags: Kat Von D facial tattoos Super Bad beer garden Grizzly Adams

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 22, 2007

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 07:22:02 -0400

Croncast - 2007-08-22.mp3
Show: #400
Length: 35:37
Size: 24.4mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 22, 2007

The banner says #400 and it is correct
Betsy wants cards now
I am 50 percent of this show sucka!
You treat me like your cousin with a pick-up truck
"Don't ask me to help you move"
Put a sticker on my Volvo
"Don't ask me to help you podcast"
Suburban drama for you Kris
I have been hiding it all day
Bait and switch, You're like a dog Mr. B
Looked into the mailbox
And apparently some of our garbage blew into a neighbors yard
A ton of wet garbage was in it
There was orange stuff like I made it
If it had been out there a week why didn't you pick it up?
I haven't walked by it for a week
Since these people like grass so much
I am going to stuff their mail boxes with grass clippings
The 70 year old moms with college age kids here
One mommy walking on the other side of the street
I should segue back to when we first started the show
Bear you got to try
What has happened over time?
You started out positive . . . now look at you
I started out negative with no expectation for happiness in the burbs . . . now look at me
Yeah, I never leave the house
You keep driving my car
I have driven it 60 miles in the last 6 weeks
The last 800 have come from you
I feel tacky riding around with no hood ornament
What goes around comes around
Before we left for Seattle I was supposed to tell the traffic ticket story
Well, the court story from Denver
I didn't lie to you . . . I just didn't tell you
I knew better than to tell you
I was in a little Scion
Sure I was driving too fast
Has road food so swelled your man cleavage that you can't see the speedometer?
Speed limit should have been 65
Would Mr. Michael Scott please stand up?
This woman stands up
Judge asks 3 times if the person standing is Mr. Michael Scott
I'm thinking Steve Carell from the Office
People at my meeting told me it was speed trap
Made jokes that Colorado is out to get me
I knew on my way to the meeting that I wasn't going to tell
30 minutes of you yelling at me on the show
You would have told me that I was going to end up in jail
Mr. Michael Scott turns out to be a trucker
Betsy says, being pulled over while being tranny

We made it to #400! Thanks for letting us be a part of your life and allowing us to make you laugh. Yes, life is show prep and full of Croncast moments.

Thanks to Bernadette for this review and write up!

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Tags: Steve Carell 400 podcasts Croncast grass clippings Denver moving violations

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 17, 2007

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 08:45:47 -0400

Croncast - 2007-08-17.mp3
Show: #398
Length: 29:56
Size: 20.5mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 17, 2007

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I'm losing my voice again
Thanks to your children
Serves you right!
Mr. "In a minute"
Hitting refresh is not a job
Doing who is queries all day
The fact that you know what a who is query is . . . time for love love
The pitter patter of Gigi upstairs
Don't spray that in your eye
Maggie locked me in the basement
Every woman in this house locks me in the basement
Once she realizes I am on one side and she is on the other she freaks out
Daddy, daddy dadddy
I begin to stress because I hear the crying
It activates that parental thing in me
There is one way out other than crawling out
A big man in a small window
Yeah, it is like fat women and little dogs
I begin yelling for the other one to come and unlock the door
The dogs start barking
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
I start yelling up the vents hoping Elliot would hear me
Why didn't you just stick one man titty at a time out the window and ease out
You need to get out of the house Mr. B
I really wish we could spend time together at things like the Great American Yard Sale
You could be my wing man Mr. B
Anyways, I got you
Who wants to play with plushies with you
Betsy does improv class night two
It will make me a better listener, Kris
It has brought insight into your life
I have learned what it is like to be a man
Someone will redirect you in the moment and you can move on
I just think you've got a brain like golden retriever
I don't have to be a tree at home
We should have a family game night with improv games
Oh, wait I have an idea . . . how about family HTML programming night right before dessert
The new dude walks in to class and he is a programmer
I thought you were a coder
I can smell it on your breath
What does it smell like?
Your mother's basement
It was super fun
I had a near death experience Mr. B
How does that happen when all you do is go and get coffee and hit up Goodwill
I put down the mocha latta
I'm parked next to a big shiny Lexus
Maggie freaks and I open my car door into the car
Then I see that the car is occupied
Fuck you and your fucking small car
The woman gets out of her car very slowly
I don't know what you are supposed to do in that situation
It's a Volvo, it's bullet proof, don't touch me
It gets worse
I did what any self respecting mommy would do
I lick my shirt and rub the mark off her car
She makes eye contact and says, "Stop licking my car"
My ass was grass
Get your lips off my Lexus
I had successfully removed the scratch with my magic eraser finger
I hit your car but I successfully slimed off the mark
The dust of Elk Mountain
I would get arrested for that
I know what I am going to do
I ran
I ran away from her
I picked up Maggie and ran
If she hits my car, well, it is insured
I wasn't going to wait until she popped out my eye teeth
Betsy will minimize anyone else's shit
Just because you don't care about your car doesn't mean other people don't
The Dust of Montrose
Was my greatest vacation ever
Your not helping me out Mr. B
The Great American Yard Sale has moved to a mall parking lot
Westfield shopping center won't know what hit
Welcome to camp Junk Ass
One legged box races
There are some one legged people that can gallop
I need you to help me out
I'll get there at four in the morning and it will give me a 10 minute head start
They stole my Jaguar off my hood
What it the whole point of owning the Jaguar is the stupid little shiny thing
Yeah, now it is next to some kids tee ball trophy
Dealership says none in stock
Ornament $211, labor $78 and with tax it will be about $330
Didn't you have any markings on it?
Thanks to Bernadette for this review and write up!

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Tags: Black Lexus Great American Yard Sale improv class Dust of Montrose Jaguar hood ornament

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 27, 2007

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 09:59:37 -0400

Croncast - 2007-07-27.mp3
Show: #390
Length: 32:29
Size: 22.3mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 27, 2007

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It's been a while since we've done a show
The worst part is I can't tell anyone the story
It will ruin the show
We have to tell everyone we'll tell you later
I did see some of the photos baby
Jeanie and I laughed
Don't start there Bears
This is not the typical Croncast, Kris and Betsy story
Sure I have been supplanted by Jeanie
Mr B would have done this anyway
Do you want to tell your story?
Can I give you some hints to telling a story
We are going to start our story from the very beginning
Jeanie rolls up to my house
We have to go to my sister's kids party
My mom and my dad in the same building, stress
The last time was like 10 years since they were in same room
I had nightmares about how bad this trip was going to be
Epiphany was to dope them out with DVD's
Misgivings? Why? Last year was not enough?
So I strap in the DVD player and monitors
We surprise the kids with it
Strap in the kids and pull away
The power adapter pops in, out, in, out
Elliot,"It's on, It's off. It's on. It's off."
With a former truck driver by your side I shouldn't have been worried
Jeanie took a class in map reading
"Betsy, where is the map?"
"I don't have one."
Simply a print out from mapquest
With the kids I figured it out
Take the group home approach, catch them being good
What does Maggie get?
Green dry erase markers
45 minutes later Jeanie says you've got look at Maggie
The scariest site ever
Maggie colored herself green and put chocolate in her hair
She was laughing maniacally
"I funny. I funny."
So we pull over at a truck stop
I walk in with Gigi
Everyone stops, turns and stares at us
She had lifted her dress and colored all the way to her diaper
That woman is totally talking to Betsy
Dry erase markers come off very easy
Where are you at this point?
Western Illinois
Jeanie wanted to hit the world's largest truck stop
Betsy, "Didn't you listen to last year's vacation show?"
Another thing that we learned last year was to get a hotel room
Jeanie was rolling up in the driveway when you booked it
You didn't remember it
Kris, shut up, this is my show
No map Betsy doesn't know where she is
Elliot and Maggie hit the hotel and want to sleep with mama
Elliot has had it and is ready to sleep in the car
Little Kris was in the backseat complaining
Now he reads numbers he made sure to point out we were speeding
I don't recommend the Super 8 in Lincoln, Nebraska
Isn't there something in Lincoln like a university
Jeanie brings the good trip karma with her
The scary omens of the open road
I had apologized to Jeanie
You have got to heed the signs
Every mile marker was a Slowsky moment
I was amazed that we rolled into Denver/Boulder area
The kids have started to melt down
Hey, you've won another Pokeman card
Jeanie, can I have another car
Honey, Mommy is going 90 mph you need to sit still
They waited until we were in traffic to act up
Every parent knows that you kids don't need anything from you until you are merging onto the interstate
We were behind a Prius
It had a blue hair in it, double whammy
Did the exhaust smell like broccoli or cooked carrots?
When you ride with Betsy you are junk coordinator
Fast food dumped in your lap and Betsy sipping on her diet coke
Give me that grilled chicken bitch
I know you, Booba
Speeder! I won't get in to it
Kris has speeding story to tell
My great Denver court room story
We have been here for 12 minutes into the immaculate clean house where we are staying kids flip out
So we leave the house
Where did you go?
Pearl Street
Do you want to stand on a clogged street in 88 degree heat with hippies
Elliot's hippie story, guy's sign said, "need money for a shirt," but I watched him take off his shirt and stick it under a rock
Sounds like Pearl Street to me
Henry is putting up a mark on the chalkboard right now
I know who your favorite hippie is
Jeanie called Evan to tell him that they were going to see the hippies
"My ship has sunk. I need cash"
I told you it was the pirate
Very herbal
They're all playing guitars and wait for you
No judgment, eh Kris?
Pete the pirate
You could start a fish stick line with his name for $6
I have to stand there and tell my son that this stuff is normal
We saw Goth grandma
She doesn't care anymore
You get passed 70 and start tripping on your titties
The point of this story that children work on 15 minute cycles
Jeanie sees the
Here's the reason the hippies bother me
They are balanced out by smug trust fund babies
Betsy, "I only pan handled once. That is a story for another day."
The next day when you came home from San Francisco I made sure we got home right away
Elliot saves family in the mountains
Give him a hard time, you can't mess with the man
We stopped someplace in between
The place where you buy gas in a bucket
We roll into Rocky Mountain National Park
The kids are watching Scoobie Doo at full blast
We are excited about a fox with dead animals in its mouth
Elliot, "Shush, there is a boy named Elliot in this episode"
Momma, I just saw a squid
Momma, I just saw an alligator
Not even close to being in a forest
It's not funny when you are their mother
He got it from a book you bought him
A book about future animals 10,000 years from now with illustrations
I forgot my cell phone
That is what I do Mr. B
So we start going up the mountain
Jeanie is gripping the OSHA car handle
The blood vessels are popping out from between her fingers
She has gone pale
Maggie, "no up. No up. No up."
Betsy talks Jeanie down
Look I'm driving with no hands
Maggie's sense is I'm strapped in
Shut up guys, Scoobie is on
Wrap the show . . . coming back down the mountain
Maybe a little Elk Mountain Resort, Valhalla on Monday, Wednesday

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Tags: portable DVD Pearl Street Jeanie Bowen summer vaction 2007 Elk Mountain Resort

Betsy and her husband Kris Jun 01, 2007

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 07:01:50 -0400

Croncast - 2007-06-01.mp3
Show: #370
Length: 31:57
Size: 21.9mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Jun 01, 2007

Tickets are on sale now for the live show . . . get your's or find out more

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Mr. B it has been a tough week out there in the garage sale trenches
She wouldn't look me in the eye
Hey, you invited me here!
You put up a sign and told me to come to your garage
You don't treat an invited guest like this
I'm going to give you my two dollars, bitch
You're husband gives you money and you do a lot more for him . . . come on
Oh, baby
A moving box full of GI Joe and little boy crap
It's a perfect box for the man
How about $5?
Doesn't look at me and says, "I haven't even gone through that one yet"
Is there gold in the bottom of that box?
I know there isn't some Barbie from the 60's in there
Hold on a second, "Timmy ,Tommy you come sort your crap."
The kids run up the cobble stone driveway
Elliot comes bounding up the driveway
And his white t-shirt is covered snacks, markers and ketchup
It looks like he was rolled in grade school good times
He's excited to see all the toys in the box
Then the boys started making fun of him
It's one thing to make fun of me, but my child
Baby, I am not condoning them making fun of Elliot
Here we, go, this might upset you
They made fun of him because the way he left the house
It's ok for you to do the things you do
But when applied to the kids . . . just make sure they are clean when they leave
The boy's dirty feet
Just get'em clean baby
"Dad I need a toothpick to clean [my toes]"
I understand that you needed to get out of the house
Just clean them up
Mr. B, I have areas of weakness and strengths
And as co-parent it is your duty to step it up or shut up
Our kids are not show prep
If you're gonna take them places just clean them up
Yeah, Kris, you run Daddy salon
They look to you Betsy . . . for hygiene, things like band aids
Those kids were from the mouth of hell . . . definitely not Unitarians
I scored an American Girl Illumaroom
It was $5 day for you
Betsy is going to be making the garage saler year book
If I were a more meticulous entrepreneur
I would save the subdivision maps
The divisions in our personalities
Small town and a little bit city in Kris
If Brad Paisley and Brad Pitt had a baby
Junking and class fighting it out in Betsy
I think that is why so many interesting things happen to us, Kris
I never thought of my small town as out of the norm
Sentimentalism is not cheese Booba
It's just where I grew up
They're survival skills baby
I think we are missing a comfort zone Mr. B
We're just restless
Goes to your workaholism
We need to get comfortable where we are
We can try
Wish me luck, I'm going back out there tomorrow
The broken iPod is up to $70 something bucks
They go on sale when they change the diaper packaging
He was in there
"You gotta do it, Hi"
I did it for you baby
One of our Raising Arizona moments of yore
I'm going to Boulder next week
No you are not starting a business flipping dogs

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Tags: workaholism GI Joe Raising Arizona Brad Paisley Brad Pitt American Girl Illumaroom

More Croncast, the more better . . .

Mon, 21 May 2007 14:30:51 -0400

Not always. Wanted to take this moment of your time to apologize for the double and triple downloads that some of you have been experiencing.

I mentioned there might be an issue because I updated all the feeds with new some new elements and well . . . the readers and iTunes are treating everything as new.

Tags: RSS updates Feeds Gone Wild double downloads podcast laugh

First Jeff Probst, then the rest of celebritydom

Thu, 10 May 2007 13:39:55 -0400

Well, I got my first celebrity interview under my belt, Jeff Probst. Even though it was scripted I was able to go off the range and get some good questions in like, "How has being the host of Survivor changed your life?". A total Barbara Walters moment.

The interview will be live sometime in the next few weeks on the clients' sites after I edit it together and it goes through the proper channels for approval. I'll be sure to let you know when it does go up.

Also, I need to thank my partners at Room214, James and Jason, for believing that I could pull off this interview. Now the hard work begins making my voice sound like Don LaFontaine.

Tags: Jeff Probst Survivor Barbara Walters celebritydom James Clark Jason Cormier

Guitar Center 2.0 in print (getting it right, finally)

Sat, 05 May 2007 13:48:12 -0400

I talk about products an awful lot when I have a negative experience with them. I'm going to try, occasionally to talk about some of the more positive ones.

I wanted to take this moment to thank Guitar Center for hiring a designer from this century for their new line of micro-catalogs. When they started arriving a few weeks ago I actually thought they were from a "cool" gear company.

Seriously, the Guitar Center brand - monster truck style radio spots, 1968 acoustic guitar silhouette logo and fried out metal head working the door are poof gone with a slight touch of the new millennium.

When a typical GC catalog shows up I won't open them. They are packed with crap on every page, lame ass interviews (Sweetwater is guilty of this too), every giveaway known to man that can get you in to the store and testimonials that mean absolutely nothing. The new micro-catalogs are nothing like it, spare, open, designed, real interviews that don't read like canned copy from an editor and niche. Almost like I'm not getting a sales pitch.

Or maybe they simply found a way to speak to me and the content is just as lame as always, but the design contemporary. Either way, kudos to Guitar Center for taking a chance because as a regular customer I know that this isn't your schtick.

For now it has changed my view of the GC image a bit . . . but I'll wait for you to ruin it with your, "Get your ass down here *now* for the free cables and mic stand with the purchase of guitar strings," ad on the radio. Possibly those could get a make over too? We'll talk about those balding 80's thrashers later.

Tags: Sweetwater Catalog micro-catalog Guitar Center rebranding a company free mic cables

Betsy and her husband Kris Apr 18, 2007

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 06:52:09 -0400

Croncast - 2007-04-18.mp3
Show: #351
Length: 30:21
Size: 20.8mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris April 18, 2007

Join up with the Croncast Cronies . . . thanks Kelly C.
We're here for your tax hangover
Welcome to Wednesday
They should start the new year with taxes
We said in January we we're going to run lean this year
Look at it as an opportunity
Hanging with the short bus dudes
Mr. B you should get a job as a bus driver
The driving tests
There is no way that they could insure me to drive a bus
Sorry I just need to get my edge
Way back when I was lactating
Who the hell reads the fine print?
Your tombstone Kris . . . . all in fine print
The lesson of my life
I am tired of and can't handle another fucking life lesson
Their is only place we haven't been stuck is investing
Unless it is my good looks
Gotta go to NY with puff in your cuff
Same camel hair jacket, less some hair
You can wear undees and have no close
David Sedaris being called out on embellishing
WTF world
What is this weekend Betsy?
First full sub-division sales
People higher up on the food chain
I love to eat the chum from the surface after the big ones have snacked
I signed the documents and didn't look up as she was asking
She was asking Betsy to sell some stuff on eBay
They beg and keep throwing the rope out
"You can take a commission" which means . . . we're cool right?
Liz . . . you are heretofore known as Mike Marusin's wife
Carla brings over a 15 year old Coach bag
Betsy needs her own show . . . "The Appraiser"
It's all $32.99
The stolen eBay accounts that keep buying her bags
The Nigerian shipping address flagged us
As your husband . . . it is embarrassing that people walk up to you and ask you to sell their junk
We're Sanford and Husband, you need to get over yourself
I need a junk shop it would be my dream
Junk spelled 'que' I can't take it
Junk shop to p's and an 'e', Junque Shoppe
I have it baby, your shoppe just needs to be an empty parking lot with the junk piled high
We can start it here in the cul de sac
CBI - chief bitch in charge
Betsy is now writing the greatest garage sale ad ever
She has to make it seem like the ultimate subdivision
It would be like a crappy play
Just take the junque think on tour
Vets treat animals not people
Take the dog to the vet and get it's medical history
Going to the hospital five hours later
Rabies isn't reality . . . but the rabid bats in your walls did it
Dead bat in the back of the toilet when I lifted up the lid
Pure evil
You probably killed the bat and don't remember doing it
Cuddling it too hard and put it in the toilet in a moment of stoned panic
Bow down bitches, I told you so doesn't fit
Baby it is always the same
You're cutting me off again Betsy
You would not succeed as a junk seller Mr. B
McDonald's still makes me happy
I can look at a T and T Barbie, a Twist and Turn from the 60's
Betsy has it locked down on eBay
You are addicted to selling junk
The same way that blue hairs addicted to scratch offs
You got the eBay juice
What happened to the purse business?
Kris busts into the NYC cab story
His wibbling moustache
Maybe that was the best part of the story
When you visit NYC have purpose, walk, talk act like you got something going on
The city is out to get you but can make it better
More people than I have ever seen in my live
It's like walking into the largest ant colony you have ever seen
In NYC people were nice
Right, now that they have your credit card number

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Tags: bus driver David Sedaris read the fine print junque shoppe dead bat in toilet

Betsy and her husband Kris Feb 14, 2007

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 08:19:21 -0500

Croncast - 2007-02-14.mp3

Show: #337
Length: 41:26
Size: 28.4mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris February 14, 2007

Here I am at Duke and a little behind schedule. But today's made with love show is awesome.

So awesome that, in fact, I don't have time for show notes at the moment.

I should have some time at the break.

Update: Looks like notes will be coming later in the day.

Kris sings
Kris isn't reliable, no shows, now comments
As you are listening to this Kris is on the road
I though about driving to North Carolina
It would have cost me more but it was a cheap flight
I don't want to fly on the 13th . . . let alone a snow storm
In a couple years we'll be married for 13 years
Gas station rose for valentines day
Your ring will come in, it gives twice
Poor Mr. B
You guys are like those balls of mucus
You need to tread lightly Mr. B
Once you are gone I am going to sell all your shit on eBay
It's a health hazard Mr. B
Flocked with snow crap from a Wal-Mart Christmas
My bald head is like the underbelly of a oily snake
This show is brought to by Kathryn Jurik
More soon.

Tags: Croncast Podcast Academy 5 Valentine's Day Podcast I love you Betsy retail work

Betsy and her husband Kris Jan 15, 2007

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 06:54:42 -0500

Croncast - 2007-01-15.mp3

Show: #327
Length: 29:45
Size: 20.4mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris January 15, 2007

Today's show is brought to you by Daniel Broad.
Daniel may be trying to kill me
"Tomorrow, your close call with crumpets," Betsy
The audio fidelity of Croncast
I'm a free man
No more corporate job
Now I can talk all the shit I want about my office mates . . . Betsy, Elliot, Gigi
And since you're my wife no sexual harassment suits
But if you keep up with the broken monitor thing
You go this geek cry baby phase
The water cooler moment
I hope this isn't how our conversations aren't going to be
Today starts podcasting job full time
Where did that weird conversation guy go
The new monitor screen is brighter than the sun
This monitor makes Kris happy
The screen real estate . . .
It is shooting geek happy rays from the screen
Gateway is working to chemically alter nerds
Elliot vs. the salmon
Kris, "Maybe tomorrow we can look for salmon flavored candy . . . salmon flavored yogurt."
Elliot, "I am going to puke."
Vomitus a lotus commences
Fish floater story
Do fish really have floaters
I never did eat the brussel sprouts as a kid
The sound of the electric knife
That is how I knew it was time to eat at Grandma's during the holidays
Betsy is sick and so are the kids
The foreigners are trying to kill me
That four letter word that starts with 's' that drives Betsy . . . sale
Betsy can't find a sales person
The bar stool dance
Now the German chocolatier are after Kris
Choked with a Riesen chocolate
Pluses of being a chubster, strong throat hole
Evidently I hadn't been breathing for a bit
Sunday night is back for HBO with Rome

Tags: Elliot vs. salmon screen real estate fish floater Riesen candy Rome on HBO

The dairysnake has a home

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 08:53:06 -0500

Our podcasts can be boiled down to this career defining moment: QVC and puffy cuffs fashion shows.

Shawn M. has brought the dairysnake to life, so to speak.

It's a nice piece of work that he has titled, 'www.dairysnake.com'.

Tags: dairysnake QVC puffy cuffs Betsy Smith Kris Smith