mustache | Croncast - From Cool to Cul De Sac

Season 19 Ep 26: Kick Ass Mustache, Spilled Coffee, Toe Rings

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 10:54:07 -0500

Croncast - 2008-03-28.mp3
Show: #473
Length: 11:17
Size: 7.84 mb
Format: mp3

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Shout to Mike Dunn
You are digging yourself a hole Kris
Walking in NYC is not like walking anywhere else on the planet
Like a mommy in the morning?
Putting on deodorant walking down the block
Not one person looked at me sideways
Don't ask him for money
I love New York
I want to live someplace with a goat
They won't let me have a goat in New York
Well, when it poops they would see it
People just might want to eat your goat
It would poop and you would chasing chocolate marbles on the sidewalk
She had toe rings
That was it getting on the plane
The kids keep going ape
I knock her Starbucks down and spill it
I am in row one, so I can get out quick
I really wanted to help this woman
Especially, when the chubby hamster next to you spills your coffee
She says, "Let me clean it up"
She put on her toe rings thinking today would be different
Did you get a toe ring to the face?
Turns out to be Billy Bob Thornton?
No
He was four Billy Bobs
Did you put on deodorant before you got on the plane?
When the person next to you seeks comfort
She starts weeping
I felt like such an asshole
It was not just the coffee it was the culmination of lots of things
We really need to go
And that is it. This is such a short show.
The kids are wired
Spilled Coffee
Kris is sick
Regular shows and show notes Monday.

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Tags: New York City toe rings Mike Dunn mustache spilled coffee

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 01, 2007

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 10:42:30 -0500

Croncast - 2007-08-01.mp3
Show: #392
Length: 1:05:10
Size: 44.7mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 01, 2007

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We've made it into the month of August
You've now crossed into Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla Shooting Club
Sure you don't want to bitch about Boulder some more?
I like Boulder, there are just some things I don't
We roll up and there is a guard tower
Was he standing there with a rifle?
No, Mr B
It is a gorgeous view
Flanked by beauty
The guard comes ambling up to the Volvo
Your names ladies?
We give them, remember this
"Do you ladies have any firearms with you?"
No firearms in this Volvo
This wagon is clear
He gives us directions
We roll on up
Elk Mountain Resort is beautiful
The valet pulls it four feet away and parks
The woman on hotels.com just kept complaining about it
She is nuts
Jeannie says the place is like Annie
Everyone stands to greet you as you walk in
Then there was Santa Claus
A dude with a white beard and red suit?
No, he had a uniform and a "I love my job smile"
He's got hot towels on a silver platter
He looks at me and says, "Mrs. Smith would you like a towel?"
He looks at Jeannie, "Mrs. Smith would you like a towel?"
Shit, the deal is sealed, we are the dykes
Welcome to first class
It took us 9 hours from Boulder
We'll make everything guided for you
What time would you ladies like dinner?
This Mrs. Smith would like to eat before 7:30
Mrs. Smith and I would like to eat in 45 minutes
Santa has an ear piece and a chest mic
He talks into it and poof the bell hop appears
We get to our room and the view is gorgeous
If you don't like it dial "0"
The bed looks like a cloud from heaven
I got Wal-Mart sheets
Jeanie, "We have robes!"
Hers and hers robes would have been nice
So we get dressed for dinner
It was intimidating, we felt like we didn't fit
Then I bust out the gift certificate
We wanted to play it cool
Sure, you want to fit in
They were nicer than your grandma who hasn't see you in three years
Every time you walk in the door the staff stands
Oh, are you ladies here for dinner?
I'll announce you, then he speaks into his lapel, "The Smiths are here for dinner."
You haven't told them yet?
No I was waiting for Jeannie
Who's the man, the big footed one with a bad perm
Are there any other guests at the resort?
Two other men not talking
There were 10 total guests at the resort
We order our dinner and they ask for drinks
My mom always orders the house wine, the cheap stuff
I'll have a Mountain Dew won't go over well
Jeannie hates red wine but follows Betsy's lead
Hi, I'm Chef Jeff, which house wine is best for you?
They start bringing out bread baskets and baked stuff
Chef Jeff is like, "Fuck dude! I worked on that all day and you can't say it."
I look at Jeannie, I can tell she doesn't like it
Been there and done that
Jeannie is woofing it down
I have to eat at least half of it
The two men eating alone are now joined by someone I recognize
The owner that I had seen on The Daily Show
Kris if you kick it up a notch we can do this every weekend
He comes over to the table
Asks what activities we are going to do
ATV's and shooting
We are the only resort in the entire world to have access for ATV's
Jeannie, "I love the outdoors but I can't go up high"
Our ATV's are automatic
They've thought of everything
Yes, everything
On the ride you will come to a place called Top of the World
So high that airplanes will fly below
Then he launches in to the special lights
These are based on the biologic make up of a lobster's eye
They are used to melt the snow to make an ice tunnel
Mr. Foreman continues to talk about the press they have gotten
A book on the NYT Best Sellers list is based at Elk Mountain Resort
He had me sold . . . I wanted to kiss a bear and drive to the top of the world
Why would you think that you couldn't do something?
Tom Foreman makes you believe that you can do anything
Enter the rest of the guests
Three sets of couples that look like my neighbors
Fit soccer moms?
Yes, Kris
I just drove 4 states over to get away from them
Now they are going to spoil my mountain view
Mr. Foreman goes over to the new couples
The super sweet firebox
Then our food comes
Every time there was another opportunity to be put in our place
We were still really awkward
Betsy has a bowl of puss and I get a bowl of noodles
It was couscous Jeannie
Jeannie starts to panic, all I get are these noodles
Campbell's has everything including broth
Then they bring the broth
After that they bring out dinner
The whole thing was terrific
Except that we were both completely terrified
To get over the petrification of being treated so well and Elk Mountain Resort stay more nights
Kris you are the king of upgrade
So after dinner Santa jumps up
We get our bill after dinner
Betsy goes white
Shut up Jeannie, I'll tell you later
The one thing you can't return is food
What I was freaking out about was that our house wine turned out to be $18 a glass
From their perspective, the lesbians aren't satisfied
Chef Jeff asks if dinner was to their liking
Then Thomas comes over and asks
After that the waitress comes up
Sure, they are trained like the CIA to read unhappiness
What would you ladies like to do?
We would like a jacuzzi?
Our eyes meet and we realize . . . they aren't out to get us . . . they are out to spoil us
Drinking our sangria in the hot tub
The cheap wine was awesome
Betsy took 100 pics of the tops of trees
At the Boulder art fair there was a dude with aspen photos
So we retire to the room and Jeannie puts on a robe
Sliding into the bed of heaven
Mrs. Smith, this is going to be the greatest night of my life
The greatest part of this is that I have no kids to wake me up
Betsy wakes up at 6:01 for coffee and viewing birds that were probably released for my pleasure
Do you know how much this is costing per minute? Get up Jeannie
We decide to take a hike
We start to walk by workers that gardening
When they see you they stop, stand, smile and ask you if you need anything
Landscapers saw us, they froze like deer
When we went by them they commenced working again
Tom has thought of everything
When a crossed eyed man in golf cart tells you "good luck" heed his warning
People are freezing along the trail "I'm a tree. I'm a tree. I'm a tree"
Maybe the trail was made for someone who came one time
Betsy, they did not release cows into the national forest for you to view
Queue the cattle
Someone left it on the comment card no doubt
Gotta watch out for the feral cows
Jeannie was petrified of them
Now you know why he told you good luck
That guy used to not be cross eyed till a cow incident
We can hear them shrieking and yelling
There they are . . . the soccer moms on the zip line
Whew, my Nike sports bra is twisted
We are on our way back
Jeannie freezes as we stand on Have you told anyone that you are not Mrs. Smith?
I see two brown ears rising out of this draining ditch
Out jumps a giant mule deer
Betsy chases it to take it's photo
The lesbians are crazy!
What are the lesbians doing now?
Time for lunch on the patio
We need some cigarettes and an ashtray
"Can I have an ashtray?"
She speaks into her cleavage mic
Around the corner, "I'm on it"
I know it is fun to play spies but this is weird
It was awesome though, instant ashtray
Lesbians are on porch, queue deer
Queue the geese
Then the soccer moms come bouncing back fit and tan
"Where are you guys from?"
Bloomington. "We are going to drive through there."
Their husbands, reserved and uptight
Screw it, this is all about me
I am going to make the soccer moms laugh
She swore that she was thirsty and all the sudden water showed up
"Guess how many kids we have?"
I don't know this is a game?
We have 10 combined?
How many are girls?
One
Then they struck a bad ass soccer mom pose
They brought things like running shoes
Betsy brought Crocs and sandals
Perfect lesbian gear
The soccer moms told us that the ATV's were awesome
We get ready to go and Misha shows up
I have done this ride 500 times and not lost 1 person yet
She takes out these top gun flight suits
I brought you the biggest ones we have
Betsy, "Of course mine won't zip up"
Jeannie, "neither will mine"
Jeannie you rock!
This could be customer service boot camp
Their motto must be "we are not going to tell you no"
They actually import vans from Europe to fit through their gates
Probably because it is more aesthetically pleasing
This is my new motto, "It is all about me"
Betsy gives me the thumbs up and then hits a tree
So we're going up the mountain
Jeannie is flying behind Misha
Betsy is stuck
I look down and my left hand has the brake so tight that I won't move
When you got on the quad the Unitarian in you took over
It was trying to save you
Oh, I'm sorry when was the last time you drove an ATV up a mountain
Betsy is trying to avoid the sticks
"Mam, that is an all terrain vehicle. Run over the sticks."
Hitting trees really hurts
Right before we get to The Top of the World
I look up and it is all Aspens and cattle
Jeannie starts to freak
Get me past that cow so fast
I am getting away from that cow so fast
Kris, we got to the top of mountain
You can see Utah, three mountain ranges at 9000 ft
We both had brown mustaches
It added to the lesbianism
Every time Betsy talks to the staff it is about her husbands and kids
Talk into your chest, the lesbians are not lesbians
These people are awesome
Misha ran a camp for bad ass kids
Like outward bound? Way scarier
Working at Elk Mountain Resort is top of the food chain
You have got to put in your time
John of course is an ex-Navy Seal
He is bad ass
You feel amazingly comfortable and slightly scared
I love men like that. Don't you Jeannie
Sure, he was handsome too
OK, time for this podcast to end
We ended on the ATV's and it was time to drink
Don't hand the truck driver the bottle
Four or five inches of vodka
Kris, we almost drank an entire bottle of vodka
Jeannie is naked in a robe and slippers
We are ripped
You are so awesome . . . No, you are so awesome
I look at clock and it is 9:00 p.m. and we haven't eaten
We dial "0" and they tell us that the dining room is still open for us
We arrive and there are flames to the ceiling
Chef Jeff is making bananas foster
The soccer moms start to speak to us
Betsy with her vodka mouth
"Are we going to be on your webcast?", soccer moms
Jeannie loves it when I get out of control
"We should introduce ourselves"
No that is OK, I already have a name for you, "The bad ass soccer moms"
It could go either way
Then the leader dies laughing
Right, there has to be an Alpha mom in the group
Yes, the one with the longest Escalade, the EXT
So Chef Jeff comes over
Betsy, "A-1 Jeff we're trashed. Can I call you Chef Jeff from now on"
That's not chatting it up that is drunk babble
Chef Jeff really made it
We don't go to gourmet restaurants and have the chef talk to us for 40 minutes
It was entirely phenomenal
Kris, I know we have talked about how I challenged the Russian to a vodka drinking contest
Can I take it back when you order the most expensive item on the menu?
And I was on the urge of vomiting
Kobe beef times 2 with bananas foster
Betsy looks at me like you better eat that bitch
Chef Jeff is buying us drinks
And I have to deny him because now I can't see him
I don't know where I am at
We stumble back to our room
There is that point, where you realize that I am done my man
Jeannie deals with Betsy, I am sick
I will lay in the bed of heaven
Betsy has the her cigarettes and the camera around her neck
You ticked me off
You don't like me anymore?
I'll like you tomorrow
You just ripped my underwear and are out of control
I proceed to go to the most beautiful bathroom in the states
And I don't even have to use my muscles
I have an exorcism of the most expensive meal I have ever ate
More babbling from Betsy
Typical Betsy move, "I made myself throw up"
This is the best planned bathroom of all time
6 feet from toilet to wall on a slate floor
Betsy made a bed right there with a Turkish robe
And I fell asleep on that cold stone slate floor and it felt so good
As I was falling asleep I thought to myself . . .
I love John, Misha, Chef Jeff and I love Tom the most
Why? Because he was smart enough to put a twin bed in the water closet
I don't know what we were thinking by drinking so much
I have nicotine and alcohol poisoning . . . I need to dial "0"
We have to do another show for Valhalla
It was the most emotional day of Jeannie's life
Sorry about your underwear dude
I'll get you a Target gift certificate
These were Victoria Secret
Do you know how much stuff I will have to find and sell from Goodwill?
Final installment of Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla comes your way tomorrow!

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Tags: kobe beef bananas foster Elk Mountain Resort Valhalla Shooting Club Chef Jeff bad ass soccer moms

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 20, 2006

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 06:59:19 -0600

Croncast - 2006-11-20.mp3

Show: #304
Length: 29:42
Size: 20.4 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris November 20, 2006

It's a comments show thanks to Nick T.
Is Nick T. real?
Kris doesn't think so
Not gonna break down that wall
Betsy is gonna read the email
Turns out she reads it in a Tiny Tim voice
"Nick . . . our kids are in bed. It's my time to be an adult"
"What is compelling about our show to a 10 year old"
Nick is Kris from the future
The allure of 30 year olds hanging out on the cul de sac
Did Nick's parents put him up to it?
Betsy says she swears a lot for an adult
Betsy, "My life revolves around sippy cups and wiping people."
If it is real I am all for it
I new I was never going to get a job in the FBI
What would I do if the kids were awake
Elliot knows the Goodwill employees by name and length of employment
Do you think we should stop swearing?
No
Kris lays down the documentation of what we documented when we started the podcast
Betsy wants to stop selling junk and sell cars
She could take smoking up again and drink on the job
In 2006 with the Pomade in the hair . . . creepy
Her male co-workers would be in for it
The man really make all the big decisions
Man soap and deodorant
Too much hygienic responsibility for one man to take
High fa luting tooth brushes for the bear
It's too easy not gonna turn that one around on you
Being repossessed with your car
Ben's "Barf" comment
Barf means snow

When you gave that presentation in 5th grade did you show photo
Let me tell you about my dad's Nova
It was a grass killer, worm farm starter and plant holder
The old school steering wheel
The back seat was plywood with foam on top covered in denim
Did you wear a seat belt or bungee cord?
I was free range
Stuck my leg in the door and got leg closed in door
And Kris puked immediately
It hurt like the "dickens" . . . just for Nick T.
Mustache of grass 10 inches high
What happened to the Nova?
It eventually was removed upon municipal ordinance
It was the beginning of my worm farm days
Running the hose under the car at dusk to come and collect night -crawlers
The microphone comment and email . . . this is special
Congratulations to Dave and to Dave and Melissa
I'm sure he became more attractive after he opened the envelope
Kris would be a malpractice lawyer for patients suing cosmetic surgeons
Words of advice from Kris, go after Dr. 90210
Betsy can relate
"We need a hot cameraman," Betsy
PodCampWest talk on Wednesday

Tags: Barf detergent Dr. 90210 PodCampWest rusty chevy nova plywood car seat

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 03, 2006

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 06:30:33 -0600

Croncast - 2006-11-03.mp3

Show: #293
Length: 25:37
Size: 17.6mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris November 03, 2006

The puffy cuff fashion show is a reality
Betsy does up her QVC and I bust out my TailorByrd shirts (aka the ultimate puffy cuff shirts)
Kris's beard is outta control and Betsy didn't tell me
Betsy mistakes pun and analogy
She blames the cleaning product fumes
Zout has alcohol in it?
"Mixing Comet and Mr. Clean like the best drugs I've ever done. Except my toddler wasn't there and I wasn't in a bathroom"
Before the Bear's fashion parade Betsy talks about her dream come true and how it was crushed
Kris wouldn't know this because he didn't grow up in civilization
The greatest carpet company in the world
Hanging out in the breezeway watching Three's Company waiting for the commercial
Booba gets excited and then quite
Kris crushes her dreams twice
Some how you show in all of my dreams
Who is on the other line?
A sweet woman named Florine or Lorretta
She is a carpet warehouse in Cicero . . . not Bombay
Did she pick a great American movie star name?
Why didn't she sing the jingle before she hung up?
It's like waiting for the cable company
"Carpet the next day"
I'll be sitting on urine soaked carpet for Christmas
Ed is not the blue collar, named stiyched on his chest and no mustache like the guy in the commercials
Empire guys dolls in the Goodwill hamper
Betsy wants hotel carpet
"I want carpet that makes me feel lucky"
Everyone has boring carpet
One color carpet cut to different lengths
It's not like a swimming pool you retard
Yes, hotel carpet Betsy
I can make this carpet with my clippers
Why $.88 paper backed carpet isn't Betsy
Betsy is trying really hard to sell me on new carpet
I don't care about Ed from Empire or his carpet or his Escort full of samples
It is a syllogistic loop with Betsy's carpetdom
Simply fix the garage door opener for drama
10 minutes of Ed . . . You wish you got 10 minutes of Ed

Here Comes Puffy Cuffs in his TailorByrd threads:

Full blown Puffy Cuff with contrasting bling

The multicolor puffy cuff and Betsy's photo goal. It's too cold to puffy in Chicago now

Betsy says that I would like Oswald Boateng get up
Very anti-climactic fashion parade
You used to be happy with the orange tag items from the Target end cap
Just because it was on sale?
Ben Witt sends his thanks . . . You're welcome Ben
Ben was around B.B. (before Betsy . . . that's Ben's abbreviation)
Betsy gets no more cleaning products . . . she can't add and there are five examples in 1 minute
Kris gets called the ageist
I put this ageism on Betsy
Betsy's first stalker
Many more show in the next couple of days!

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Tags: TailorByrd Oswald Boateng Empire Carpet (800) 588-2300 Naperville

Betsy and her husband Kris May 03, 2006

Thu, 04 May 2006 05:54:32 -0500

Croncast - 2006-05-03.mp3

Show: #223
Length: 48:46
Size: 33.5 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris May 03, 2006

Betsy doesn't just wear the pants, she wears my pants
Naperville podcast and blogger meet-up
Another thing about you that pisses me off
Getting up early and not getting it ready
The morning outfit
The work uniform - khakis
The late night outfit
I'm in denial about my age Old Navy
But I still wear the same underwear
Fantastical story told by Betsy
Forced to wear your pants
Spanglies and bald eagles sewed on the pockets
Wear your uniform to go out
Tanslacks.com
Khakis are the new suit - bleh
Jeans and a dress shirt
Betsy says Silicone Valley for the 55th time and I call her on it
The roller coaster drawing of Missy in the second grade
Busted handed it off
Staying in during lunch
She was a sub teacher who I ended up hanging out with her daughter
Kids can shake stuff off, it's the parents that get the hang up
The fury of people messing with your progeny
Girls hold grudges, boys don't
Military films
Why didn't you to into the armed services?
Why is there always a bus that these guys get on?
No speeding ticket for lead foot Kris
He gets a $2,000 ticket for not having insurance
But I do have insurance, just need to go to court and prove it
It was a 25 mph zone
If your eye lids are catching air you are driving too fast
Police with crazy handlebar mustaches rock
Young cop versus old cop
Channel one
Here come the Colbert roast of Bush . . . right on!
Here's a link to the transcript
The Dems need to be behind and action like this
This was the time to do it and it was done well, thank you
No one gives a rat's ass about summer television except Betsy
The DVR will be humming with her summer reality shows
The ones that made 6 episodes and then imploded
"Deadliest hair dresser who likes to bake pies"
More vasectomy stories
I can't believe I am going to go through with this
Mike Baker's story of watching in a reflection from the urologists glasses
Alter ego says the clips are no joke
I couldn't do the samples right
Betsy calls Sirius
We have no idea what we are doing with the show anymore
Sure we'd like to make money from the show
Betsy reads another email from her pop
Great vasectomy results will also inlcude something beyond freedom
ID3 will be online only and not PDF, some people need to learn how to read
Betsy needs an elevator pitch for the show
Send us your elevator pitch
Baby monitor form cell phone and land line
She asks listeners to send email to ideas@sirius-radio.com
What is a good fit for us?
HBO needs a podcast directory

Tags: Colbert khakis military films speeding Sirius Missy