neighbors | Croncast - Life is Show Prep

Season 22 Ep 07: Betsy's Clairvoyant, You're Grounded, Gameshow Desires

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 12:20:41 -0500

Croncast - 2009-06-16.mp3
Show: #533
Length: 25:51
Size: 23.8 mb
Format: mp3

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What you don't have is the funny
I'm bringing it to over 40 people Thursday nights
All in the old Seinfeld time slot
What are you up against?
Oh, yeah . . . ER reruns
They used to stay home for Greys Anatomy
Not so hot early on
Doing the shows for your cousins
12 people versus 50 and percentage laughing
Well, I can see you telling a joke in a restroom
All about pumping your ego up
Two fangirls waiting for me
Thinking they can't find the bathroom
"Oh, my god. You were so funny."
Bitsy's door star - they can't speel
The bicycle issue
There is no issue . . . I am the BMX'n boy
Kris, I couldn't ride a bike until I was 10
That is the plan the man is on
He got my physical genes
My neighbors got rich of off my physical ineptitude
I learned to ride in the grass
Of course you did softy
I saw a malleable four year old girl in front of me
She wanted to go fast
Daddy, go get the tool box
She takes the wrench from me
Takes the training wheels herself
Took 2 minutes to get her going
Then 20 to get her starting off on her own
Loving it for the freedom
Number one for her was freedom
The second is that Elliot can't ride a bike
She pointed it out, Not me
A stranger isn't going the pick the nutty kid
The other was her fear of punishment
She tried to give up
I motivated her
She got so upset that she just did it
All kids are different and need different motivational techniques
Just a wee bit of manipulation
One teaspoon of manipulation and one of sweat
You gotta throw in some love
You know that I am clairvoyant Mr B
Baby, you can't tell people that
That is just too much
Walking to school in a Marlboro Jacket
They had a denim one that I wanted
You could deduce that knowing my history
Betsy is ready to restart her career as a game show contestant
When you hit the track you become a robot
I'll be back later, I got ponies to read up on

Tags: Seinfeld bmx game show ponies fangirl

busted half of'em

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 21:31:15 -0500

baseballs, rocks, jarts or slamming them, i broke half of our neighbors carriage house windows growing up. they look pretty good now.

Tags: half house carriage windows growing

white wolf? bitchin dog

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 21:22:55 -0500

the newest of transient neighbors across from my folks are the proud owners of this canine.

my guess is that its name is snow or blow.

Tags: canine owners proud guess name

Which Way Did He Go?

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 19:16:02 -0500

One of the neighbors boxers at the back fence.

You can see where Zeus claws the fence to share kisses with his girlfriends.

Tags: fence share kisses girlfriends claws

Season 19 Ep 3: Wheel of Fortune, Mailmen, Mrs. Coach

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 08:56:44 -0600

Croncast - 2008-01-11.mp3
Show: #449
Length: 28:23
Size: 19.5mb
Format: mp3

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After reading the comments I am starting to feel sad
Kris, don't feel sad . . . you'll change your mind
Real reasons
We just do it, it's become part of our day
We've become part of that
It's like a radio station
And they are playing Rod Stewart
What? Kris you have lost your mind
Would you rather I say Nazareth "Hair of the Dog"?
What are you talking about?
You should pre-screen your thoughts
Like a celebrity does
Wive's would love these things
Coming back from the long break
Saying things as opposed to telling stories
It was your birthday it made for a weird show
I have to go to the bank
I noticed you didn't buy your own cake
Yes, I needed to step it up and buy one
The bank was a ruse
Turns out the cake was frozen
Much like you
I couldn't really cut it
I told the kids it was an ice cream cake
I forgot to buy candles
Yeah, you made me blow out a lighter
It wasn't just a Bic
This is why being married to you is difficult
You should just say what I think
Kris starts telling Elliot about the lighter
All I can think is shut up, idiot
He doesn't need to know that stuff
I thought about the house burning down
You gotta pull the thing back and click
Mr B. I am so worried about the Wheel of Fortune audition
What am I going to wear?
What am I going to do with my hair?
I think you are projecting a bit
I am going to start combing my eyebrows over my forehead
I hit 33 and my eyebrows are out of control
Big eyebrows are creepy
I didn't say mono-brow
You think the producers are looking for middle America
A mom with pizzaz
I'm not sure I buy that
Maybe you should watch the show
Men wear suits . . . the same on that they wear to funerals and weddings
All the women wear pins
That reminds me of the coach story when you were helping Andy shop
Leave it up to your mom
She'll just buy it off QVC for you
The UPS man, the mail man and the garbage man all have our numbers
QVC delivered twice a day around here
The mail man knows everything that goes on in your life
She's got QVC on the tv and the laptop
The guy from the Queer Eye show is on, she yells
We wake up every Wednesday morning to breaking glass
The garbage man hates us
The QVC bags all end up scattered around the cul de sac
When I was a kid we got the neighbors mail for a week
I knew that he wasn't paying his bills
Water is a luxury
He spent all of his money on Jaguars and software
Baby, you got unfinished projects everywhere
It's typically the man
Feigning the CWI to watch prison shows
It was a very serious sledding injury
I can wear chest pads
Keeping up with the IRS
Just one of those things
Monday you be blinded by my bespangled sweater and snow man pin
I need to seem charming and wholesome
Don't tell them about the podcast
I already did
Well then you need to be yourself
Jeanie said I won't be funny in a pant suit
I disagree you would look very funny in a pant suit

Tags: Nazareth QVC Rod Stuart Wheel of Fortune Mrs. Coach

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 22, 2007

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 07:22:02 -0500

Croncast - 2007-08-22.mp3
Show: #400
Length: 35:37
Size: 24.4mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 22, 2007

The banner says #400 and it is correct
Betsy wants cards now
I am 50 percent of this show sucka!
You treat me like your cousin with a pick-up truck
"Don't ask me to help you move"
Put a sticker on my Volvo
"Don't ask me to help you podcast"
Suburban drama for you Kris
I have been hiding it all day
Bait and switch, You're like a dog Mr. B
Looked into the mailbox
And apparently some of our garbage blew into a neighbors yard
A ton of wet garbage was in it
There was orange stuff like I made it
If it had been out there a week why didn't you pick it up?
I haven't walked by it for a week
Since these people like grass so much
I am going to stuff their mail boxes with grass clippings
The 70 year old moms with college age kids here
One mommy walking on the other side of the street
I should segue back to when we first started the show
Bear you got to try
What has happened over time?
You started out positive . . . now look at you
I started out negative with no expectation for happiness in the burbs . . . now look at me
Yeah, I never leave the house
You keep driving my car
I have driven it 60 miles in the last 6 weeks
The last 800 have come from you
I feel tacky riding around with no hood ornament
What goes around comes around
Before we left for Seattle I was supposed to tell the traffic ticket story
Well, the court story from Denver
I didn't lie to you . . . I just didn't tell you
I knew better than to tell you
I was in a little Scion
Sure I was driving too fast
Has road food so swelled your man cleavage that you can't see the speedometer?
Speed limit should have been 65
Would Mr. Michael Scott please stand up?
This woman stands up
Judge asks 3 times if the person standing is Mr. Michael Scott
I'm thinking Steve Carell from the Office
People at my meeting told me it was speed trap
Made jokes that Colorado is out to get me
I knew on my way to the meeting that I wasn't going to tell
30 minutes of you yelling at me on the show
You would have told me that I was going to end up in jail
Mr. Michael Scott turns out to be a trucker
Betsy says, being pulled over while being tranny

We made it to #400! Thanks for letting us be a part of your life and allowing us to make you laugh. Yes, life is show prep and full of Croncast moments.

Thanks to Bernadette for this review and write up!

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Tags: Steve Carell 400 podcasts Croncast grass clippings Denver moving violations

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 01, 2007

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 10:42:30 -0500

Croncast - 2007-08-01.mp3
Show: #392
Length: 1:05:10
Size: 44.7mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 01, 2007

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We've made it into the month of August
You've now crossed into Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla Shooting Club
Sure you don't want to bitch about Boulder some more?
I like Boulder, there are just some things I don't
We roll up and there is a guard tower
Was he standing there with a rifle?
No, Mr B
It is a gorgeous view
Flanked by beauty
The guard comes ambling up to the Volvo
Your names ladies?
We give them, remember this
"Do you ladies have any firearms with you?"
No firearms in this Volvo
This wagon is clear
He gives us directions
We roll on up
Elk Mountain Resort is beautiful
The valet pulls it four feet away and parks
The woman on hotels.com just kept complaining about it
She is nuts
Jeannie says the place is like Annie
Everyone stands to greet you as you walk in
Then there was Santa Claus
A dude with a white beard and red suit?
No, he had a uniform and a "I love my job smile"
He's got hot towels on a silver platter
He looks at me and says, "Mrs. Smith would you like a towel?"
He looks at Jeannie, "Mrs. Smith would you like a towel?"
Shit, the deal is sealed, we are the dykes
Welcome to first class
It took us 9 hours from Boulder
We'll make everything guided for you
What time would you ladies like dinner?
This Mrs. Smith would like to eat before 7:30
Mrs. Smith and I would like to eat in 45 minutes
Santa has an ear piece and a chest mic
He talks into it and poof the bell hop appears
We get to our room and the view is gorgeous
If you don't like it dial "0"
The bed looks like a cloud from heaven
I got Wal-Mart sheets
Jeanie, "We have robes!"
Hers and hers robes would have been nice
So we get dressed for dinner
It was intimidating, we felt like we didn't fit
Then I bust out the gift certificate
We wanted to play it cool
Sure, you want to fit in
They were nicer than your grandma who hasn't see you in three years
Every time you walk in the door the staff stands
Oh, are you ladies here for dinner?
I'll announce you, then he speaks into his lapel, "The Smiths are here for dinner."
You haven't told them yet?
No I was waiting for Jeannie
Who's the man, the big footed one with a bad perm
Are there any other guests at the resort?
Two other men not talking
There were 10 total guests at the resort
We order our dinner and they ask for drinks
My mom always orders the house wine, the cheap stuff
I'll have a Mountain Dew won't go over well
Jeannie hates red wine but follows Betsy's lead
Hi, I'm Chef Jeff, which house wine is best for you?
They start bringing out bread baskets and baked stuff
Chef Jeff is like, "Fuck dude! I worked on that all day and you can't say it."
I look at Jeannie, I can tell she doesn't like it
Been there and done that
Jeannie is woofing it down
I have to eat at least half of it
The two men eating alone are now joined by someone I recognize
The owner that I had seen on The Daily Show
Kris if you kick it up a notch we can do this every weekend
He comes over to the table
Asks what activities we are going to do
ATV's and shooting
We are the only resort in the entire world to have access for ATV's
Jeannie, "I love the outdoors but I can't go up high"
Our ATV's are automatic
They've thought of everything
Yes, everything
On the ride you will come to a place called Top of the World
So high that airplanes will fly below
Then he launches in to the special lights
These are based on the biologic make up of a lobster's eye
They are used to melt the snow to make an ice tunnel
Mr. Foreman continues to talk about the press they have gotten
A book on the NYT Best Sellers list is based at Elk Mountain Resort
He had me sold . . . I wanted to kiss a bear and drive to the top of the world
Why would you think that you couldn't do something?
Tom Foreman makes you believe that you can do anything
Enter the rest of the guests
Three sets of couples that look like my neighbors
Fit soccer moms?
Yes, Kris
I just drove 4 states over to get away from them
Now they are going to spoil my mountain view
Mr. Foreman goes over to the new couples
The super sweet firebox
Then our food comes
Every time there was another opportunity to be put in our place
We were still really awkward
Betsy has a bowl of puss and I get a bowl of noodles
It was couscous Jeannie
Jeannie starts to panic, all I get are these noodles
Campbell's has everything including broth
Then they bring the broth
After that they bring out dinner
The whole thing was terrific
Except that we were both completely terrified
To get over the petrification of being treated so well and Elk Mountain Resort stay more nights
Kris you are the king of upgrade
So after dinner Santa jumps up
We get our bill after dinner
Betsy goes white
Shut up Jeannie, I'll tell you later
The one thing you can't return is food
What I was freaking out about was that our house wine turned out to be $18 a glass
From their perspective, the lesbians aren't satisfied
Chef Jeff asks if dinner was to their liking
Then Thomas comes over and asks
After that the waitress comes up
Sure, they are trained like the CIA to read unhappiness
What would you ladies like to do?
We would like a jacuzzi?
Our eyes meet and we realize . . . they aren't out to get us . . . they are out to spoil us
Drinking our sangria in the hot tub
The cheap wine was awesome
Betsy took 100 pics of the tops of trees
At the Boulder art fair there was a dude with aspen photos
So we retire to the room and Jeannie puts on a robe
Sliding into the bed of heaven
Mrs. Smith, this is going to be the greatest night of my life
The greatest part of this is that I have no kids to wake me up
Betsy wakes up at 6:01 for coffee and viewing birds that were probably released for my pleasure
Do you know how much this is costing per minute? Get up Jeannie
We decide to take a hike
We start to walk by workers that gardening
When they see you they stop, stand, smile and ask you if you need anything
Landscapers saw us, they froze like deer
When we went by them they commenced working again
Tom has thought of everything
When a crossed eyed man in golf cart tells you "good luck" heed his warning
People are freezing along the trail "I'm a tree. I'm a tree. I'm a tree"
Maybe the trail was made for someone who came one time
Betsy, they did not release cows into the national forest for you to view
Queue the cattle
Someone left it on the comment card no doubt
Gotta watch out for the feral cows
Jeannie was petrified of them
Now you know why he told you good luck
That guy used to not be cross eyed till a cow incident
We can hear them shrieking and yelling
There they are . . . the soccer moms on the zip line
Whew, my Nike sports bra is twisted
We are on our way back
Jeannie freezes as we stand on Have you told anyone that you are not Mrs. Smith?
I see two brown ears rising out of this draining ditch
Out jumps a giant mule deer
Betsy chases it to take it's photo
The lesbians are crazy!
What are the lesbians doing now?
Time for lunch on the patio
We need some cigarettes and an ashtray
"Can I have an ashtray?"
She speaks into her cleavage mic
Around the corner, "I'm on it"
I know it is fun to play spies but this is weird
It was awesome though, instant ashtray
Lesbians are on porch, queue deer
Queue the geese
Then the soccer moms come bouncing back fit and tan
"Where are you guys from?"
Bloomington. "We are going to drive through there."
Their husbands, reserved and uptight
Screw it, this is all about me
I am going to make the soccer moms laugh
She swore that she was thirsty and all the sudden water showed up
"Guess how many kids we have?"
I don't know this is a game?
We have 10 combined?
How many are girls?
One
Then they struck a bad ass soccer mom pose
They brought things like running shoes
Betsy brought Crocs and sandals
Perfect lesbian gear
The soccer moms told us that the ATV's were awesome
We get ready to go and Misha shows up
I have done this ride 500 times and not lost 1 person yet
She takes out these top gun flight suits
I brought you the biggest ones we have
Betsy, "Of course mine won't zip up"
Jeannie, "neither will mine"
Jeannie you rock!
This could be customer service boot camp
Their motto must be "we are not going to tell you no"
They actually import vans from Europe to fit through their gates
Probably because it is more aesthetically pleasing
This is my new motto, "It is all about me"
Betsy gives me the thumbs up and then hits a tree
So we're going up the mountain
Jeannie is flying behind Misha
Betsy is stuck
I look down and my left hand has the brake so tight that I won't move
When you got on the quad the Unitarian in you took over
It was trying to save you
Oh, I'm sorry when was the last time you drove an ATV up a mountain
Betsy is trying to avoid the sticks
"Mam, that is an all terrain vehicle. Run over the sticks."
Hitting trees really hurts
Right before we get to The Top of the World
I look up and it is all Aspens and cattle
Jeannie starts to freak
Get me past that cow so fast
I am getting away from that cow so fast
Kris, we got to the top of mountain
You can see Utah, three mountain ranges at 9000 ft
We both had brown mustaches
It added to the lesbianism
Every time Betsy talks to the staff it is about her husbands and kids
Talk into your chest, the lesbians are not lesbians
These people are awesome
Misha ran a camp for bad ass kids
Like outward bound? Way scarier
Working at Elk Mountain Resort is top of the food chain
You have got to put in your time
John of course is an ex-Navy Seal
He is bad ass
You feel amazingly comfortable and slightly scared
I love men like that. Don't you Jeannie
Sure, he was handsome too
OK, time for this podcast to end
We ended on the ATV's and it was time to drink
Don't hand the truck driver the bottle
Four or five inches of vodka
Kris, we almost drank an entire bottle of vodka
Jeannie is naked in a robe and slippers
We are ripped
You are so awesome . . . No, you are so awesome
I look at clock and it is 9:00 p.m. and we haven't eaten
We dial "0" and they tell us that the dining room is still open for us
We arrive and there are flames to the ceiling
Chef Jeff is making bananas foster
The soccer moms start to speak to us
Betsy with her vodka mouth
"Are we going to be on your webcast?", soccer moms
Jeannie loves it when I get out of control
"We should introduce ourselves"
No that is OK, I already have a name for you, "The bad ass soccer moms"
It could go either way
Then the leader dies laughing
Right, there has to be an Alpha mom in the group
Yes, the one with the longest Escalade, the EXT
So Chef Jeff comes over
Betsy, "A-1 Jeff we're trashed. Can I call you Chef Jeff from now on"
That's not chatting it up that is drunk babble
Chef Jeff really made it
We don't go to gourmet restaurants and have the chef talk to us for 40 minutes
It was entirely phenomenal
Kris, I know we have talked about how I challenged the Russian to a vodka drinking contest
Can I take it back when you order the most expensive item on the menu?
And I was on the urge of vomiting
Kobe beef times 2 with bananas foster
Betsy looks at me like you better eat that bitch
Chef Jeff is buying us drinks
And I have to deny him because now I can't see him
I don't know where I am at
We stumble back to our room
There is that point, where you realize that I am done my man
Jeannie deals with Betsy, I am sick
I will lay in the bed of heaven
Betsy has the her cigarettes and the camera around her neck
You ticked me off
You don't like me anymore?
I'll like you tomorrow
You just ripped my underwear and are out of control
I proceed to go to the most beautiful bathroom in the states
And I don't even have to use my muscles
I have an exorcism of the most expensive meal I have ever ate
More babbling from Betsy
Typical Betsy move, "I made myself throw up"
This is the best planned bathroom of all time
6 feet from toilet to wall on a slate floor
Betsy made a bed right there with a Turkish robe
And I fell asleep on that cold stone slate floor and it felt so good
As I was falling asleep I thought to myself . . .
I love John, Misha, Chef Jeff and I love Tom the most
Why? Because he was smart enough to put a twin bed in the water closet
I don't know what we were thinking by drinking so much
I have nicotine and alcohol poisoning . . . I need to dial "0"
We have to do another show for Valhalla
It was the most emotional day of Jeannie's life
Sorry about your underwear dude
I'll get you a Target gift certificate
These were Victoria Secret
Do you know how much stuff I will have to find and sell from Goodwill?
Final installment of Elk Mountain Resort and Valhalla comes your way tomorrow!

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Tags: kobe beef bananas foster Elk Mountain Resort Valhalla Shooting Club Chef Jeff bad ass soccer moms

Betsy and her husband Kris Jun 18, 2007

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 08:09:14 -0500

Croncast - 2007-06-18.mp3
Show: #377
Length: 33:05
Size: 22.7mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Jun 18, 2007

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After Friday's show you deserve this show. I haven't laughed this hard listening to one of our shows when doing up show notes ever.

Switched up the intro and Betsy gets lost
I finally get to tell my Entourage show intro beef because the fixed
What was the issue, flipped text
I don't think HBO gave the show a shot because the intro was jacked up
Bless you baby
Season 4 of Entourage they fixed the "Pizza" thing, sweet
Flight of the Conchords isn't on my watch list
Not a fan of the musical in any format
The Tudors dude is short and that ruined it for me
Tom Cruise wears flats, Tudors man should
Kris puts a ban nationwide on hummus
God damn, there is so much bad breath in this country because of it
The effort and strain that it takes to be married to Kris
It was like 105 degrees up there?
Did you put on some sunscreen?
No
That's not the point
Did you drink water?
That's not he point
Did you wear a hat?
That's not the point
Self-care skills are nil in your case, Mr. B
I understand that being healthy is important
The playset used to be log cabin
They can't destroy it because Abraham Lincoln might have slept in it
Yeah, the other daddies sleep with their lawnmower in their bedroom
He hasn't mowed his lawn longer than me
All I have to say is . . .
A big well of pity
Happy father's day Mr B.
That'll teach him . . . should have worn sunscreen
Look at the nice swing set with Abraham Lincoln wood
It is now a shiny beacon of play land for kids
Abe would be proud
I knew it would be done
The neighbors got the Rainbow Swing set
900 fat men could sit on it an not break it
I accidentally set myself up in a Betsy joke
So he says it to daddy and it's on
He should have been saying it to you
Man, Booba you are just full the Mr. B hate
You did a good job Mr B
I didn't know you knew how to use those tools
Back to the banning of hummus
Sweating out every last bit of water in body
Betsy hanging out breastfeeding and eating hummus
The interior of the house doesn't smell like dogs, cats or baby poop
It smells like Betsy's hummus death
It all came to me in a flash
I was embarrassed when your friends came over
Betsy's throat hummus fills the entire house
The real problem is that all the toothpaste in the world is poison
But, Jesus, the Tom's Natural Toothpaste is horrible
Elliot, "You can't eat the toothpaste. If you do it taste like you swallowed a plant."
Hippies shouldn't make anything that goes in your mouth
Neighbors cutting down trees again
We plant a tree, they cut down three
Now it is on our driveway as mulch
We debated for a long time, but the tree was going to fall down
Right, and your kids will die too
Was the tree sick?
The tree care guy said it had a patch of fungus that could grow
What sort of fear mongers must the tree care specialists be?
Trees will kill you in your sleep in the middle of the night
It is their favorite time to fall over and crush you
So what did I find in the river?
Here's crazy shit #997 that happens to me and Kris
I'll finish it on Wednesday's show

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Tags: Rainbow swingset Entourage Flight of the Conchords Abraham Lincoln cabin hummus death

Spring time is tree killin' time

Tue, 22 May 2007 08:54:07 -0500

Our neighbors on all sides of us have gone ape crazy for killing their trees this year. I am thinking that it must have something to do with the 9 new trees we've planted in the last 3 years.

Either that or these people know something that I don't about the secret lives of trees. If there are any amateur or school aged dendrochronologists out there feel free to mosey on over figure out the average un-natural life expectancy of a suburban elm.

Tags: dendrochronologist killing trees planting trees dendrochronology suburban elms

Betsy and her husband Kris Dec 25, 2006

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 07:02:52 -0600

Croncast - 2006-12-25.mp3

Show: #318
Length: 30:56
Size: 21.2 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris December 25, 2006

Today's show is brought to you by The Zeliffs
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays
Yup, a Christmas day show for those who celebrate and those who don't
We celebrate on Christmas Eve
How come the phone is ringing?
Why are neighbors stopping by?
Oh yeah
The beaten turkey a few years ago
Returned the meat to the store
He wasn't part of the status quo
He wants to be free-range
Beat him in front of the other turkeys make sure they see it
The group home kids are opening their stuff right now
Thanks to you guys who donated for the cause
Not wanting to get official
We just wanted to collect the money
Now we have some ChildServ corporate listeners
Back to Christmas . . . wasn't my dinner spectacular
Tackling the gifts that have been waiting
Pulling Christmas names
They would brawl . . . they could do it on the Wii
I go first, no you go first . . . my dad would trip on the way down the stairs
Now there are all these people and kids
Kris why are you being such an asshole
Have you ever had to take an intermission with gift opening?
We'll have to rethink it
Opening gifts all at the same time
I'm gonna get cake . . . who wants cake?
Could have gotten the kids two things
Digital picture prints for Betsy
When you're a mom you can't go through all the digital photos to print
Pictures of everyone
Worst hair choices for the past few years
Betsy sees the short hair picture and says lemme do it again
Dangly earings, denim jacket and Indigo Girls in the back ground
Patches of Mr. B hair all over the place
Betsy had blocked it out of her memory
What a bad decision
It's not even a pretty color it is dirt brown
Hair today gone tomorrow gift certificate
The investment in head shaving
Red for a couple days . . . it's hat season
Us bald guys we get chilly
Why would I want my eyebrows done
The in between part
Self-image change
It's a Van Dyke not a Goatee . . . it can't be
The sizes need to be set for the daddies who are shopping at the last minute
What about earings?
No I asked for a ring with nothing sticking up
No, no, no I just need a ring
The fact that it doesn't fit is not cool
Unique like my baby
Return it and go to Costco
Hey Mr. B . . . thanks for your gift . . . I'd like to return it . . . Let's go to Costco
Yeah, yeah, no, no you can't do that
Just get sized
Maybe that hurt my feelings a bit
Dry cleaning chemicals are really Febreeze
I loved your present Mr. B
Gotta give it up so I'm not into it out of love
I tore it up on my ribs
I rolled over in the middle of the night and I whimpered
If you wanna be a boxer grow some balls
I'm knocking you out
Pictures straight from the Wii
Adding all of your Wii Friend Codes
Like a build a bear
What are the Pagans doing?
Better yet what are the Universalist Unitarians?
Dancing around the saturnalia tree

Tags: Wii Friend Code free-rang turkey digital prints saturnalia tree dangly earings

Betsy and her husband Kris Oct 13, 2006

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 07:29:17 -0500

Croncast - 2006-10-13.mp3

Show: #284
Length: 38:22
Size: 26.3 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris October 13, 2006

Show notes:

Betsy stops the intro to tell me she is having worst day of her life
Here you are mommy drinking wine again
Betsy, your lips are stained from the wine
Left alone in tragedy and sorrow
It's not an anti-depressant but it feels good
Betsy and her eBay assistant leave to get groceries
Miss Kitty left the house early
She's 17 she can do what she wants
Betsy goes off on weird tangent
The man does his Tao Kwon Do stuff
Now it's late and the cat hasn't returned
Do you see where this is going?
It wasn't just the wind
A cat with dirty nipples from dragging on the ground can't be homeless
Mother-in-law went out to look for kitty
The sad meow from under the neighbors shed
Can't figure out how to get to it
Now they realize that there is something terribly wrong with the cat
Miss Kitty was very limp and third-eye lid not open or closed
There is a lot of blood
The late night vet and the weird staff
Is Zeus to blame?
Late night vets serve an interest
Evan, Rick, Henry and Mr. Puffycuffs
Kris was at TECH cocktail 2
Listen Betsy, there will be video
Gotta stop touching the mic stand
Kris says on video, "There are more women here than last time."
I can't do these things without Betsy present anymore
Betsy wants me to stop telling her this stuff
Don Loeb and vicariously Carrie Lozano the director and producer of Reporter Zero
Thank you Carrie and Don for the copy of the movie!
The triscadecaphobic will be working at home tomorrow . . . not me
Subdivision chili cook off is tomorrow night, be prepared for Monday

1) Fill out the appropriate form for you - *New* Listener or Get a Handle (current listener)
2) Verify your email address (Activates and qualifies those with a "Handle")
3) *New* listeners get activated and qualified by using their special RSS feed
4) 300th new listener and the person whose Handle they use win iPods AND
5) A drawing for 2 more iPods from everyone who entered!

Tags: Techcocktail2 Reporter Zero Miss Kitty Puffycuffs triscadecaphobic

Betsy and her husband Kris Oct 11, 2006

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 07:01:04 -0500

Croncast - 2006-10-11.mp3

Show: #283
Length: 43:13
Size: 29.6 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris October 11, 2006

We recorded this late last night and the energy levels in some parts are pretty low. I think the prime time for us to record is around 9 p.m.

Show notes:

Intro numero dos thanks to that low energy
Turn the dial?
Betsy has been sitting in the house for a couple days
Even though she went to Goodwill it was a bad day
People were packed in wall to wall
Wednesday will be worse cause it is old person day (Kris day)
Vickie was rockin' her bag that Betsy missed out on
Picking up the sister
Resale shop at 11:35 . . . and suddenly the rest of my day is gone
Betsy has been really grumpy last three days
She wants to push off a pier with cement shoes
The honest answer is she upset about parenting issues
When will you not be too busy . . . 2008?
That doesn't count as parenting
Aren't we paying off the final credit card next week?
There is always another bill, Mr. B.
Rick keeps finding ways to get on the show
Documentary about Betsy's uncle, Randy Shilts - Reporter Zero
We have to find a way to see this movie
Life is show prep holmes
"I can't believe that I have to look at your mother at Thanksgiving"
Flying back to the midwest and seeing the people at the airport
You know your terminal by your people
The new vast collection of checked shirts
Betsy gets to the punch line before me
"I don't belong with you people."
Betsy says they are 'Puffy Cuffs'
The nosey neighbor
Nobody will even know when you are dead without nosey neighbors
What would Kris be like as a native american?
Shirt, pants and accessories from a single hanger on QVC "Fashion Day"
Designed to minimize lumpiness
Heart shaped mommy pants in the rear
Why try to talk with the other mommies?
They are not our people . . . they are 10-15 years older than we are
Getting an iPass for the tolls as a birthday gift
Oh, that was casual clothing

Tags: Goodwill Reporter Zero Randy Shilts puffy cuffs Rick Klau

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 30, 2006

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 06:44:01 -0500

Croncast - 2006-08-30.mp3

Show: #269
Length: 31:19
Size: 21.5 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris August 30, 2006

Betsy still working the intro
As parents we got our asses kicked
Not feeling the welcome
Powerpoint needs to die when used by educators
I don't want to look at dancing lunch meat
Granola is off limits with chocolate
There was a weird vibe between Elliot's teacher and Betsy
Elliot is in back of room which looks like front of room
He'll be carving his name in the desk soon
There's nothing you can say but good stuff when 30 parents are all listening
Eye contact has dipped to zero and she sized up Booba
Elliot will suffer know because of it
The tall child in front that everyone listens too
He is struggling in all first grade things
Camp to this has to be a hard transistion for him
Working at home with Elliot is even on routine it fails
Google how to put out the fire
Slowsky didn't get an oil change before our vacation
It stopped leaking oil . . . there was no more to leak
Betsy is back at Goodwill
Betsy is garbage picking from neighbors again
She is assured that the neighbors hate her, more on Friday 300 by 300th

Tags: Goodwill Barbie and Skipper vintage 1st grade Elliot

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 28, 2006

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 06:31:08 -0500

Croncast - 2006-08-28.mp3

Show: #268
Length: 34:22
Size: 23.6 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris August 28, 2006

Oh there is a new sound in town
Betsy is grumping about having to breath
The light glaring off your head is burning my retinas and making me sleepy
The evolution in razors
You would have been a wooly monster
The terminal point of beard growing
I don't know my terminal length
The fifth blade removes the top layer of skin
The worst mother dig of all time from Betsy
Lips doth did part
Today has been a crazy day
I told the man it was a weird day
Kris missed saving a family of 4 that drove into a lake somehow
It is a fake lake to supply a subdivision waterfall
Kris sort of saw it happen
With CopmUSA closing I was preoccupied
I hear the sounds from the accident and agray flash through the neighbors houses
I was looking the wrong way when we drove by, didn't think of the lake
Well, I didn't hear them screaming . . . they were drowning
As they are gasping their lasts breaths pressed against the window
Betsy says I'm cold
Kris did save the family
When homeless get a Costco card to eat samples to sustain
Betys goes off and buys $30 in steaks
Usually it is mad cow in a tube
So Barb adds the seasoning, turns on grill, to clean it turns it on high and then has a martini
Grill is now set to high
20 minutes goes by and she heads out to put steaks
Opens the door and uses panic voice
"You have to tell Kris to come right away . . . well, theres a fire. Thank you," then closes the door
Betsy rouses me from the basement with the work "Fire"
Stay in the basement because it's safe even though there is a fire
The Goodwill grill is now in full flame burning off all the grease from the trap
The charred chunky collector flaming and the top are ball of flames and black smoke
Kris asks for the baking soda
I asked for fire extinguisher right now . . . Betsy threw it out
Betsy says it didn't look good and didn't match
Any fire extinguisher is better than none
Betsy hands me the Morton Salt instead of the Trader Joe's sea salt grinder
Saved by neighbor Jack and his fire extinguisher
As soon as hose melts to tank I am going to die in an explosion
With 911 on call waiting my mother-in-law clicks over to Vicky
He saved our house . . . he saved Croncast
Betsy finally finds our extinguisher in the garage
Finally doused it in water to cool it down to turn off the gas
The grill cleaned up ok but I don't think we'll ever use it again
Then Kris was swarmed by bees
It will go straight to my brain
Betsy gets in more about her steaks
If I had saved other family I still would be filling out reports and my family would have died
Message to you: Go out and buy some fire extinguishers to keep at home.
We talk about the end of our week last . . . podcasting production
The stress level has gone way down thanks to Palegroove the cause of the stress
Wanting podcast contracts to happen
It is a really big project that will be a ton of fun
Writing down your goals can make a huge difference in your life
Many people think podcasts cost $100 to produce . . . not even close with your own equipment
Kris is speaking at the Portable Media Expo and then I'll fill in the podcasting bits
3 Croncast T's are on the table for production
PhilipZ is holding it down with Handle Moxie

Tags: Goodwill grill Costco meat Portable Media Expo fire extinguisher

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 02, 2006

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 06:27:35 -0500

Croncast - 2006-08-02.mp3

Show: #257
Length: 30:39
Size: 21.0 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris August 02, 2006

It's August and it is hot
Global warming isn't real
I believe like our president we need to wait, the future will let us know
Let's burn some fossil fuel bitches
I will drive my Hummer til it's 127 outside, I'll just turn up the AC
Without Maggie being with us when we record we swear more
The lawn mowing boys
Well they aren't boys they are college age
Cursed with a beautiful backyard that takes work, not for us
Butterfly Garden
I was gonna take pictures of the yard but camera battery is dead
Swearing and swearing more
You're being inappropriate with me lady
He is like an honor roll student who now has to work for a burnout
"I didn't know people like you actually grew up and owned houses"
He knows we don't fit, they all do within 15 minutes
National Night Out
Hanging with the neighbors and their kids
Building a stronger safer neighborhood
Letting the kids ride in the cop cars
Weird electrical hum in Bestys mic for about 3 minutes
Betsy won't end the shows on a loving note
"Good night Hugh, I love you"
I am sure their was some office love
Betsy likes to have nothing the same, ever
Just look at this like a suggestion
The difference between actors and reality stars
They are competition
Enamoration (made up word) of the King of Cars Guy . . . Betsy is infatuated with Chop
"We would both have something to talk about because we both have reality shows"
Kris gets bright red
"That bastard. Chop you're going down. You're destroying my family. Some man in Las Vegas who sells used cars. He's taking my wife from me . . . and my life."
If you find someone attractive on a reality show don't tell your spouse
Is Jeremy Piven ok to tell you I like as Ari?
Wait, he did a reality show
Betsy asks who I think is hot
My reply, the chics on the tattoo reality shows
If we were just friends I would fly you to Vegas for a tattoo
"I hear Towbin Dodge is around here someplace"
I know your motive Betsy
I don't look like Chop. Betsy thinks separated at birth . . . say what?
He's a well groomed Bears
Betsy really likes this guy
Mike Rowe is rad but sometimes comes off as an ass, don't we all
The stay in school remark to the ore shoveler guy
Our turn to come off as asses
Transgender understanding
The human condition
When you can't figure it out
Looking for bulges
I don't get it, I pegged you for a boy but it doesn't matter but I can't but it together
The Madonna concert
Take me to Fry's it is my concert
Now I know what it is like when I take people to Goodwill
Strangers at Goodwill talking to my kids, turns out they are buddies

Tags: King of Cars Chop Goodwill Towbin Dodge Jeremy Piven National Night Out

Betsy and her husband Kris Jul 14, 2006

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 06:06:01 -0500

Croncast - 2006-07-14.mp3

Show: #249
Length: 26:11
Size: 18.0 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris July 14, 2006

Hey guys, something happened half way through the show where Betsy's mic got a bit quieter. Just thought I would let you know.

The 13th won't be over fast enough
Kris runs out of air
Hell horrible weird ass day
Betsy is starting to sound like Kris
That is what I get for podcasting my life
Listen to my karma
Betsy, "Will you water my flowers and take out my garbage whille you're gone"
Betsy feels it is her duty
Leaving for my Goodwill run
I should bring in the can but I have Maggie
I will bring it in in the morning
Well now the garbage can is now MIA
Overdoses of Doans
The expensive garbage can . . . or cart as they are known
The racket of their sale by the city
Jahunka dunk
Funny ans scary all at the same time
Betsy's friend Abby's husband Ted is now listening
Why did you even have to ask, buy them a new can
Betsy owes the lawn boy $60
What are you going to do for me? Go make some more money
Selling the stuff on eBay
Slowsky could turn a good day into a nightmare
You told me but I thought you were dumb
Sweet vinyl around dead TV
Betsy's sister is going to push this kid out any minute
Seeking medical treatment around Betsy is a sign of weakness
Baby was born 9 months ago and now Betsy is forcing her sister to give birth on her kitchen table
Hey Sean, thanks for the donation
Betsy says she is CFO whic stands for cutting me off

Tags: 13 Slowsky neighbors garbage can baby

Betsy and her husband Kris Apr. 24, 2006

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 06:00:06 -0500

Croncast - 2006-04-24.mp3

Show: #219
Length: 33:22
Size: 22.9 mb
Format: mp3

Betsy and her husband Kris Apr. 24, 2006

You haven't bought me a present in a while, like three years
Kris went all out one year
Then we starved for three months later
A fistfull of testers from a dumpster for you Betsy
Smelling like a $10 hooker
I'm good and Betsy is great
Betsy has a first
The My Twinn foot hanging off the Goodwill rack
Maggie's like, "No no no" body shake
If Maggie could learn her orangutan moves she could do Clint Eastwood movies
Kris doesn't know what My Twinn dolls are
The pulse of my own heart in my ears
80% of Betsy's Goodwill posse is continually questioning their reality
Betsy had to evacuate on Saturday
Goodwill is cheaper than going to the laundr-o-mat
The Diet Coke gets opened
Yet another chubster addicted to Diet Coke
Designing a doll to look just like your child
Sending in the profiles of your child and they put the head on the doll
Moles, freckles and all
The doll hospital
Technically it would be murder if they replaced the doll head
Where can I send you when I am dissatisfied
Betsy had to check herself
Send a pic of Elliot with a pic of Maggie and ask them to combine them for the head
Michael Jackson's black or white video
Googie looks like my mom
Doll pricing follows the call girl market could be sold on futures
I don't understand paying for sex
Betsy is uncomfortable talking about this subject
I've been propositioned for garage sale money
Betsy had her own garage sale
She leaves in the middle of her own sale to go to others
Strangers coming to the door asking "How much?"
Buying from your neighbors
Tracking your childhood through your mom's eBay history list
Honey if you miss it I'll find you another one next week at a garage sale
Selling Legos a pound at a time
Audio quality is up, I am really happy, let us know what you think
Elliot's got an electric guitar out of the purchase
The opporunities that I never had is what I want for kids
If you've got it, it's ok
The first step to Republicanism
What are they paying for . . . social programs?
Putting your kids needs right on top and first
The blue house memories
"I like this house, it's bigger and I like walking to school. When I get old Maggie's going to bury me in the backyard."
Kris never moved as a kid
Transients moving in and out when I was a kid in a small town
Kris busts out small town speak - "druggie"
Missy is the other colequial for a teenage mother
Faith or Hope or Diamond or Princess
Euphoria
Kris won't tell when his vasectomy date is
Funding your lifestyle with 8 kids plus
Watching Big Love - Kris says, "Bluh. I don't get it."
Betsy says, "Sopranos Salt Lake style."
The gnats attack
I just saw a gnat fly between your glasses and face

Tags: Goodwill My Twinn Republicanism Michael Jackson FirePod

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris 155

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 07:38:48 -0600

Croncast - 2006-03-03.mp3

Show: #199
Length: 35:36
Size: 24.4 mb
Format: mp3

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris 155

Show Notes

It feels great to be back. Wait, did I hear Betsy say we are going back to 3 days a week? Listen to find out if it's true.

We're a bit rusty
The neighbors can hear that for God's sake
Lost in the Gobi
Electronic deposit still rolling in
Stipend for not begging
All the other daddy's get stuff
$5 a week for Kris
Don't come home for lunch
Baja fresh
What happened to medium?
Playland torture
It's another of his ideas
Kris lays out the entire month of not podcasting
ID3 Podcast Magazine
In my spare time
Podcasting production also
The apology
My t-shirt "I know, I know, I feel bad about it but I'm not going to stop."
Stomach pain is from green vegetables
Ultrasound for boy or girl in my gut
Where to gall problems come from?
Vegetarians don't have gall problems
In search of a better him
Doctor calls but Betsy doesn't pass on message
If you've ever met this man you'd know that I run his life
I hung up on the bitch
The secretary is most powerful person in the company
Flipping the wrong finger
"Stupid jerk."
Bust it out to get daddy in trouble
Next time I will call them a stupid jerk
Everyone has it out for Kris
Betsy's life work is paying off at this point as a social worker
Behavior problems with the man, seems his brain makes it hard to control
The neurological damage has been done
Betsy takes care of her mom
She was walking hell, fire and fucking brimstone
Screaming and crying and breakdowns
I can't go home
Man, were we close
Buying drugs for mom
Ben the fix it guy is low-key and awesome
Betsy fights with old man at ACE
I just want the toilet
Ben was embarrassed for Betsy
World's greatest countertops Madura Gold
Ordering men around so they follow through and give them a check
Thanks for the emails
Let me tell you people, we got another show Monday!
It's garage sale weekend
Landing the plane, so to speak
We're going back to Monday, Wednesday and Friday shows!!

Tags: betsy kris back croncast problems

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris 153

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 09:33:51 -0600

Croncast - 2006-01-14.mp3

Show: #196
Length: 42:45
Size: 29.3 mb
Format: mp3

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris 153

Show Notes

TRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA
It's really Kris
No buying a a house with 13 in the number
Irregardless the ladies went and bought one
You're really only selling the house to the wife
Women are like cats
Everytime before the show Kris is sexually harrassed
Betsy would settle for all of Kris' money
Smacking my butt or any other bare flesh
Low rise jean nightmare
I don't know how to break this to you, your but goes half way up your back
Betsy's hairy spots find their way into my dreams
Missing hair when waxing
Human hair in patches like Steve Carrel
Fantastic 4 "family" version - seriously?
Ending up in the principals office
It's not about the man hair
5-6 inches of hair bordering on creepy
Betsy as a swimsuit model
Even when Kris dreams he can't confront Betsy
Women can't ever wear the other shoe, they must harrass men
Betsy smiles through the whole thing
Women are sleazy perverts, soaps and Desperate Housewives
Tivo the soaps
Aimed at people with a third degree education
Finally expelled at the 9 grade
My people pick up on things like that
Kris could have become a mechanic, so could Betsy by mail order
The youthful internship
Kris puts together a car from the parts (yes I did it once)
Swearing and crying, next the man fit
I'm not interested in doing that
The contractors cometh and some are scary
Validating my manhood to the contractors as soon as they enter the house
When the lawn mowing kid from next door comes over I don't say I could do this myself but I'm not
Letting them know that I don't do it well
Fancy codes that won't burn down your house
Experiences we haven't had before
I told them about my man points of home repair
Ungood with the laminate
Starting where no one will go not the most traffic
Hiring a contractor
Choosing from the news paper
No spelling errors in ad, franchisees, Rent-My-Hubby
Third category - can't pay rent and decide to see how many elderly people will call
The plan didn't work all that well
Not title for business - No Job Too Small
He really lived the river
Sweet Emotion was playing when he rolled up and the neighbors huddled with their children and brought them inside
Cars are made of plastic and this cats was rusting
The guy you wake up at 3 a.m. and find in your kitchen
Jail house tats on the knuckles
Qualifying the hording of everthing
Betsy has a problem
Maggie will get bigger
"Stocking up" - lies all lies
Partial admission that she is hording
Selling the train bed
Making Kris proud with her saleswomenship
All the American girl dolls for a 10 month old
Too big to ship and don't fit in the Scion

Tags: kris betsy house hair people

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris 140

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 06:07:02 -0500

Croncast - 2005-10-26.mp3

Show: #181
Length: 23:34
Size: 16.2 mb
Format: mp3

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris 140

Show Notes

Reading this book right here
The poverty symposium
She know poor people
With the middle name of Wayne I am screwed
Kris Bob instead
Jorge Joe instead
Cat vs. neighbors round 3 - not our cat
I forgot her name
Making the routine
Of course I was upset I was making love to my microphones
Forgetting names in a time of need
She was listening
Jorge to the rescue to save his own hide
But she still keeps going after being proven wrong
She got nothing, walk away
You don't eat in your yard, you don't sleep in your yard animals poop in it
Aggressive to mush but mumbling
It's not my fucking cat
Such a player he needs a body double
He can be called with the sound of a can opener
The poverty book
We learn that we can survive in poverty with no problem
Living the plush lifestyle
The book was supposed to be all about me then . . .
"I know where all the best rummage sales and church sales are in town."
Old Navy cardboard day, if we need we can eat it, high in fiber and low in fat
Grandma in jail when Elliot was born
Kris keeps checking off the items on the list
What would it be like to be Paris Hilton? Oh I am hungry.
The kind of car that we would be
Betsy calls it vacation for a day
Kris is going to San Francisco for the the day
Betsy doesn't get the reimbursement process - poverty
Piecing together a meal with McDonalds Monopoly game pieces
Meeting new people
My afraidness (yes I know not a real word) of the aeroplane
Parking old planes in pending natural disaster areas for insurance money
The Yucatan

Tags: kris poverty betsy book croncast