pack | Croncast - Life is Show Prep

Next To Me, They Love The Beard, Apricot Jam

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 05:23:55 -0600

Episode: #771 | Length:32:48 | Format: mp3

To listen to this and all new Croncast episodes Get Cool!

Grow the beard does
Some ladies can't get enough
Just not you
Apricot jam with snowflakes on it
They won't sit next to me
Holiday sales post holiday for all items with Santa on the package
More paper products than a school
Horde the holiday in full effect

Tags: Kris Smith Betsy Smith Croncast Funniest Podcast comedy Podcast

Wanna party, Giant?

Sat, 04 Dec 2010 22:47:44 -0600

Rambling introspection and poor writing to follow.

The headline? We'll get to that.

A little over a year ago my wife and I moved to New York City with our two children. We left a house and life in suburban Chicago, as evidenced in all these Flickr photos that serve as a reminder of our histroy.

We sold the house, packed up tight and left town in a stretch limo with six suitcases and a hermit crab in my wife's front pocket.

We arrived with no apartment to rent, jobs or money. The money was tied up in the sale of our house that was occurring in a couple days, I had interviews lined up but nothing solid and for lodging a friend named Tom hooked up a tiny studio for the four of us.

I'm going to take the liberty of speeding up this story. I'll share more of it another time.

Needless to say, things didn't work out quite like we have hoped or planned.

I didn't get the jobs that I had interviewed for. The money from the sale of our house didn't clear our bank for 3 weeks. Once it cleared we got on with things.

Which brings me to the short version of things:

New York has been many things to our family. I fell it love with every part of it and convinced my family to come with. They've stood by me as opportunities have come and gone. They've believed in me in what my own personal history will recount as one of the most challenging years of my life.

Things are on the up and I feel a little more comfortable taking the time to look at this last year as a series of challenges.

My children may never forgive me. Hopefully, later in life, they'll appreciate that mom and dad took risks in order to provide them a more interesting life. Who else gets to watch a midget hooker try to work their father at a subway stop with a sweet line like, "Wanna party, Giant?"

Nothing in suburbia packs that much excitement except a play-date at the local children's museum.

Tags: house life children money left

pack and prey

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 10:18:49 -0500

Tags: prey pack

Mr. Mom, Air Tight, Built In Alarm

Fri, 28 May 2010 14:31:15 -0500

Episode: #632
Length: 35:48
Format: mp3

To listen to this and all new Croncast episodes Get Cool!

Mr. Mom begins in earnest
That can't be said
Packed together
Lots of water
What do we do now?
Built in alarm
Science fair
Oh! And if you use the Twitters, check out Ville - http://ville.ag

Tags: science fair built in alarm air tight mr mom

Packed for Inflating

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 10:56:47 -0600

Tags: inflating packed

Season 22 Ep 02: Gothar, Alaskan Nomads, Ham Ketchup Sandwich

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 11:26:05 -0500

Croncast - 2009-04-17.mp3
Show: #527
Length: 24:15
Size: 22.3 mb
Format: mp3

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Bringing it on the Friday!
That's a post, this is a post I know that I am fabulous
Helps promote the show
Give these people a chance
Then the audience swells
My kids can't sleep
More popular than Wired magazine daddy's
I can make a super sandwich
For your daughter
The ham and ketchup sandwich
Fulfilling her need "Scooby Doo Style"
That's on you
Appaloosa is where I am going
Let's count down your shiny chasing skills
Glad you can admit them
You are my little raccoon
Betsy is going to be on the Radio Shopping Show
Gotta give the back story
Rubeeen had been there to show us
Pet a lizard Sure he'll bring the salmonella to your front door
This is my favorite lizard, Gothar
Sure, he's gotta pack the lizards
It's totally worth two hundred bucks
The party phenomenon
Turn it all into a party
What kind of burner are you?
Pipeline or bust
They were on the bust side
We have a token listener in Alaska
Don't even try
Nomad in some populations, transient in our community
I was just that good

Tags: lizard food gothar alaska wired ham sandwich

Season 21 Ep 24: The Mexico Part 3

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 11:52:03 -0500

Croncast - 2009-03-30.mp3
Show: #524
Length: 41:24
Size: 38 mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

When, when, when, when
This was supposed to go out Friday
Maggie has been insanely sick
What happens when you read all of these Oprah books?
It should come with a six pack of Xanax
Difficult times?
Write a book
You need to change your name to Kristina
Sending email as Kris Smith
People would respond to me as a woman<
br> So I had to make it Kristopher Smith Wait, Mr B
I have to give a shout out to Carrie, thanks for coming to my show
The Mexico Part 3 begins now
Betsy, you are at the buffet, go . . .
If I had known that they served guacamole breakfast, lunch and dinner
Standing at the buffet
A woman sidles up next to me
"What part of Canada are you from?"
I speak like that because I lived in Milwaukee for a few years
Where's that?
Wisconsin
Is that a big city?
All the push ups that you do
They could throw a rock at it
She was wearing the crocs
Then I scanned the room and it was covered in crocs
That is he face of colonialism
Later . . .
I'm the only American
What is the most expensive shit you got behind this bar?
Grand Marnier on the rocks the entire trip
Do you want to know how to cook the guacamole?
He was like a bull fighter
Super hot
Fellas watch out for this
They will whisk you wife away
The Italian says, "You mean this prison"
You must leave this compound
They will take you to the jungle
They get electricity for 2 hours a day
It is wonderful
Deciding to go deep see fishing
How did you get over the shark fear?
We were stuck at the front gate
How many signs do you need?
It was like a road block
We were there on a gift certificate
I'm thinking that this will be so nice
The authentic Mexican experience awaits
We get to the place
Sure, it would have have been authentic
But didn't the charter company name tell you all you needed to know?
Captain Rick's
It should have
Yeah, if it were Captain Ricardo's
On the boat with a Canada
They start swearing at us in Spanish
Turns out I am the only one that knows it
I kept my mouth shut
Betsy catches Dory (see photo in post)
"Chocha Grande"
How is the fish doing?
Mas muerto
They pull it back into the boat
Cut up Dory and turned her into chum
We had Captain Bicho
More protected species were caught
Chopped and chum
Chocha account is over 11 at this point
I'm the bloke, right
Don't be a chocha Mr B

Tags: Crocs Canadian Tourists The Mexico GrandMarnier

box o schwag

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 09:40:08 -0600

heading out for breakfast and have packed some of today's schwag.

my plan is to hand it out early and often so I am not carrying it around for days. viva sxsw!

Tags: schwag carrying often days viva

Season 19 Ep 11: Walzer A., Buffalo Days, The Coffee Drinker

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 10:51:22 -0600

Croncast - 2008-02-01.mp3
Show: #457
Length: 26:13
Size: 18.1mb
Format: mp3

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The Resale Queen Podcast is now here!
Every Saturday by 9 a.m. CST

About the Wednesday show
We were recording and the phone was ringing off the hook
Call from Walzer A
So this is Wednesday's show
Yeah, it was your sister calling
Brother-in-law lost his job
And the three mother hens showed up at his house
I did not envy him at all
It is getting more and more crowded in this boat
Your mom told you that you need to take care of this
I couldn't think of a more depressing situation
I wouldn't have come home
I would have went out at 8 am and got a beer
Where? This isn't Milwaukee
I would have waited that shit out
You are telling me that I am a born leader
I was telling myself that I glad you all weren't here
This is how it goes down in my dysfunctional family
My entire life I have had to be the man
What?
You shoveled in the middle in a snow storm
You can't even tell you shoveled
Doing it repeatedly doesn't make sense
At 4:30 am our neighbor fired up his snow blower
Ridiculous
Some men wake up with motivation, Kris
What would you do if it were a chainsaw?
Then he started cutting down trees
Well, hell he was motivated
Oh, baby
I tossed pup pup in a snowbank
What for?
To send to the TV station
Are you serious?
Well, I did send it
The auto response email was "Thanks for sending to KABC 7 Los Angeles"
Your snowy dog will be on in LA
You dogs suck
Jorge would be restricted to humane society
Ass end up in a garbage can
That is what we should have called the Resale Queen show
Yesterday, I almost slipped and died
Good things that dumpsters are heavy
How come they don't shovel by them?
I am going to open Dumpster Land
A theme park for you and your people
The dangers that you face everyday
It can't be packing peanuts
There is no Calvin pissing on nothing
What stickers would the truck have?
Did the new trucks ever roll out to La Moille?
I though i shouldn't ask because it would be sad
There was a time that they did come out
No one can tie a knot in this town
Ending up in the county jail
Swanson's baby
Onions in the peas
They came to town for Buffalo Days
The quaint small town festivals in movies, lies
There's no tax base to support that
Basketball game in a gravel pit
I grew up across from a buffalo pasture
Did you ride buffalo instead of ponies?
Did they chain them to a claw foot tub to slow them down?
From kindergarten to graduation at 14
Let me run the tilt-a-whirl
I would be right there
Ending up with a corn cob in his bibs
Might be dangerous but in a small town that's fun
Being pulled on sled behind cars
Watching the console in a lawn chair
I have sat in the back of a Chevy and bounced across fields
We didn't do donuts in a Wal Mart parking lot
It was a small town
Ok, K-Mart
That would have been a 30 mile commute
I know you rode in the back of a pickup truck on the way to a K-Mart
Yes, I did
CB radios in those days, figuring out who the coffee drinker was
Your mom would have a handle

View Kris's resume or download it

Tags: buffalo snowy dog LaMoille Resale Queen sledding

Mother-in-law on Linux? Yep.

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 11:35:15 -0600

Am I crazy? Nope. It's show time for Linux.

Some of the the Linux flavors have matured enough to be great solutions for keeping family members safe from viruses and giving them the tools, graphically, that they need. So much so that Dell is now offering computers with it as an alternative to Windows.

However, it's not just family members that benefit, it saves the "son-in-law tech support company" a ton of time and headaches.

And now there is a great tool available called Automatix that is a great asset for installing new apps quickly. Sure, I am comfortable with command line work but if there is a gui available that can make installing software simpler than finding a package, decompressing, cd to directory and then running . . . well, I am all for it.

You can see from the photo above that I chose Xubuntu for the install, a smaller footprint of Ubuntu. It's designed to run on low RAM machines.

It's perfect for a mother-in-law prone to installing software from every popup ad that she encounters. Which is the reason that her Toshiba laptop has a desktop that looks like this:

So far so good.

Tags: Ubuntu Xubuntu Toshiba Dell laptop Linux

Make the Flickr PHP API not so ugly and easier to use

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 10:11:15 -0600

For months I have been bypassing the Flickr API and using RSS 2.0 feeds instead. The reason? They come with all the photo stream data that you need in a nice little package. Things like title, description, tags, date taken, date uploaded, image dimensions, etc.

What is missing from the RSS feed the ability to load comments with a photo and choose how many items are returned in the feed. The API, however, will let you load hundreds of images and load comments for each photo.

There is a catch though. The API is broken up into about a 75 different calls. Not one single call to the server can match the data that is returned in the RSS feed. To get the same data I need to make approximately 8 different calls to Flickr. Not good.

What use is the API?

It gives me the ability to create a historical back up of my photos in their most basic form with urls, date, descriptions (with html stripped) and tags. It also gives someone building an application a rich data source to do some of the things that Flickr isn't already doing - the purpose of an API.

After working with it for a few hours I became frustrated. PHP is my poison of choice and the PHP examples that Flickr uses all return serialized data. Which is great and easy to work with if you already know what the XML namespaces are but without them it is hard to access the data. And in some cases impossible without printing out the serialized array and looking at it because the returned serialized array's keys don't match the XML namespaces. Not to mention children are buried in deeper arrays that aren't as easy to access as say $title = $item->photo['title'].

Here's how I cleaned up the mess. If you are PHP guru then I am sure you could get this down to one script.

An 'include' script, sort of. View this script by URL on your server to see all name spaces:

1) Create a new PHP file declaring xml as file type - header("Content-Type: text/xml")
2) Use the url that Flickr supplies to return content in REST format
3) Comment out the line for serialization
4) Use PHP's file_get_contents() function
5) echo the returned XML

A loader script:

1) Create a loader script
2) Call the include script - $resp = simplexml_load_file("YOUR INCLUDE SCRIPT URL");
3) Get the data out by name space, the same ones that Flickr documents

To view the name spaces that you will want to access simply open up the include script by url in your browser.

For now I will stick with the RSS 2.0 feeds for blog submissions but once I have some free time I will be using the API code above to create a cached archive for my own safe keeping.

Tags: photo frame digital Flickr API PHP simple simplexml_load_file

Season 19 Ep 5: Three Cheese Taco, Spinning Air, Juicy

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 10:04:26 -0600

Croncast - 2008-01-16.mp3
Show: #451
Length: 29:24
Size: 20.2mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Stuffed nose and tinny voice
Baby I love you
Nobody wants to hear about you
You smell delicious
Like a three cheese taco
You know how to butter me up
I know how to sour creme you up
It is all about me today
Sure, we got to talk about your Wheel of Fortune contestant audition
I got in 3 hours early
You don't want to be late
So I went to the greatest resale shop on the planet
I hope Goodwill didn't hear that
It's called the Brown Elephant
The greatest mens clothing ever
They are having a leather and sex toy day
There are some lines in resale that must be drawn
I would try to avoid that day
Leather and sex toy day at the Brown Elephant
Occasionally I find kids clothes
They usually don't have them
But I opened my eyes and there it was
The greatest china set I've found yet
Even if I don't get on The Wheel I have scored today
You called me
I love how you are trying to get in to my story
The auditions were being held at the W hotel
Nice joint
Other people from middle of nowhere
How do we get to 6th floor?
Betsy, press the shiny button with a 6 on it
So I start hanging out with this guy
Having a good time
We almost missed the auditions
We got in just in time
They had a projection of the stage set
This was the first phase of auditions
Easiest way to say no, "bankrupt"
When it was my turn I jumped up like it was the Price is Right
Total ham
So my new friend solved his puzzle
Some people weren't catching on
Don't be dry
They were giving stage direction
People start falling by the wayside
Then they throw round two at us with a written test
Good thing you know how to write
I made it to the third round
I have to spin an invisible wheel
Then we introduced ourselves
"I'm a stay at home comedian"
The whole room died laughing
"I'm a very down to earth celebrity"
I nailed it
That is why I have made it all the way
Thank you Mr B
Hire Kris for your tagline too
I told them that we do the podcast too
Don't call a letter that has already been called
Some people spun the invisible wheel the wrong way
There were lots of stand out people
We want 'juicy'
Good thing that they didn't say that at the Brown Elephant
They want the whole package
Thanks for coming out
Most likely all of you have made it
You will find out by the end of the month if I made it
They will send us letters for either the Chicago taping or a LA shoot
Good thing I got miles for a trip if you need them
I did the best that I could do
That is all you need
You've got a good shot

Tags: Wheel of Fortune auditions The Brown Elephant hire Kris life is show prep

Why use the .rss extension?

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 09:30:56 -0600

Why not? Last night I put up a post about how to add the .rss extension to RSS feeds instead of having other extensions. I resurrected my full post after Josh followed up with this comment:

Serious question - why? What benefit (besides looking cool) do you get from this, when there's no standard extension for feeds (.xml, .rdf, .atom, etc.) and lots of FeedBurner feeds with no extension at all?

Still a cool hack, though, Kris. :-)

My theory for doing this revolves around user acceptance of RSS and that the message we give as publishers (see; nerds) about RSS being so awesome isn't a very coherent one. We need a better message and a shiny new package. To me, .rss explains exactly what I am going to get when I use it. Simple.

Packaging feed formats of all types under the extension is a way for users to know exactly what they are getting - syndicated content, a.k.a., "your stuff". There is no need for all the baffling mumbojumbo we throw at site visitors about what RSS is or how it works. I contend they don't care that, "RSS (Really Simple Syndication) is an XML-based format for sharing and distributing Web content" (via CNN). Blah.

Check this Wired explanation for further mumbojumbo:

Based on the XML data format, RSS is the simplest way to add Wired News headlines to your site.

Even the part of the sentence after the comma from Wired is confusing, "add Wired News headlines to your site." What if I just want to read it and not put it into my site? For most people, would they know how to put those headlines in their site? Do they have sites?

What I am trying to say is that we need to get our act together and stop being nerds about syndication formats. The nice orange RSS icon is ubiqitous and is used to link to .xml, .rdf, .atom and the like without the end user needing to know what they are. Our messaging should be as simple as the RSS icon and I think the .rss extension helps to clarify what is being delivered.

Think about how easy it is to describe what a telephone is and how to use it. Did you for a second even think about the technology that makes your phone work? Nope. Pick it up, dial and talk. Simple.

The orange RSS icon is the syndication telephone and .rss is the keypad.

Tags: RSS RSS icon .rss extension

Betsy and her husband Kris Nov 12, 2007

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 09:12:30 -0600

Croncast - 2007-11-12.mp3
Show: #432
Length: 29:27
Size: 20.2mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Monday is a great day to start the week
Yes, I forgot to tell you
The first time that I get to do a birthday show
I guess I am going to Goodwill
It's cool to swear it off
You should take up cardigans and turtle necks
When guys my age are geezers
We will be rocking the grunge look at the convelescent home
I was watching TV on something that is no longer around the house
There was a moment of clarity
I was watching an animal show
There was bear running in slow motion
Beautful
And the narrator pops in "This was the point when Charlie was ready to attack."
Does the bear know that his name is Charlie
It's all about relating to the world around us
We do what is comfortable
We would break the glass bottom boat weight limit
We'll be living fat for the next few months
Ok, hush you have to let me speak Mr. B
The fabulousity of puffy cuffedness
You know the job thing didn't work out
You're taking a moment to rest
And I am looking at the TV
It isn't that big
Spending that much on a TV
I can get you one tomorrow at Goodwill for $50
Yeah, it might weigh 650 pounds
Take your old Chicago technology with you
So I called Costco and told them about the broken ass TV
I just want my number tattooed on me
Betsy, you just like the exclusivity
Having to flash your card
Being a Costco member, stand back bitches
Yeah, as we stand next to the coffins
42 inches is not the big
I'm not going to go there, Kris
We roll in with two crabby kids
He's talking about throwing dead animals in the coffin
Which one do you like mommy?
I just need to find someone to throw in there
He is your child, Betsy
So they start helping us out
Everyone is watching
Fuck bling and diamonds
Roll around with a big screen TV
I had a pack of men following me
Asking me 30 questions
Ahhh, we can't take that back
Why?
You have everything but the manual
You can't take it back without the manual?
Nope
Are you kidding me?
Every time I walked by it
How the fuck did I get here?
I bet you have that thought a lot
Betsy starts rolling on them
It's your birthday, I am going to let you speak
Baby, he was still eying us up
Was he going to tackle us?
Stop them - they are going to buy oranges and pampers
Best friends
I would be a complete asshole if I got another TV right now
I didn't consult for 11 months
I need my business up and running right now . . . takes time
Same thing with jobs . . . takes time
A big day is talking to three recruiters
Betsy's denial policy
Thanks to Karen Vitale for the Franklin Mint vault check

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Tags: Vizio Costco Goodwill named bears denial policy

Stepping out of Room 214 into the hallway

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 09:49:34 -0500

In January of this year I took the position, VP, New Media with Room 214, an internet and search engine marketing company. I brought with me Castlock, the podcasting and rss metrics platform that I developed in early 2006.

This was an exciting opportunity. I had built a solid relationship with the founders of the company over the previous year working closely with them to produce podcasting and new media campaigns for the Alltel Racing podcast (NASCAR driver Ryan Newman), four podcasts for NFL Pro Bowl players during 2006 season and many other client podcasts; all the while holding a position as Associate Director, e-Learning for another company. Many of you might remember us talking about this last January.

The last ten months working for Room 214 have been great, but the time has come for all of us to move on.

What will I do now?

I'm not sure. But I do have quite a few options . . . probably more than I realize. There are a couple that leading the pack right now.

My first option is to make sure my resume is up to the task of assisting me gain new full-time employment. It is pretty amazing how over the last three years podcasting and rss have transitioned to "new media" and are being welcomed into the corporate structure. All that bickering about every company being a media company seems to be coming true!

My second option is to put more energy into my podcast production company, Palegroove Studios, and get back in the saddle for podcast production, consulting and licensing of Castlock. When I started with Room 214 I put it on the back burner since I was doing the same work as my "day job".

My third option, and least viable as a solution, is to go all out Croncast. I would love nothing more than to be doing the show full time and bring video into the mix but this doesn't seem to be the right time.

That's it, that is what's been up around here.

Like any time of transition this is an interesting and exciting time. I am already wondering which path I will end up going down and where the choice(s) that I make will lead my family next.

If you've got any thoughts send them to me from the contact page, email kris[at]croncast.com or send them the old fashioned way and give me a call on my GrandCentral line (thanks Rick!) at 630.445.1719.

Update: I should have added this the first time around (it was in the show notes from Monday!)

Feel freed to check out my Linkedin Profile

Tags: Kris Smith Room 214 VP, New Media Palegroove Castlock

Betsy and her husband Kris Sep 05, 2007

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 22:01:00 -0500
Croncast - 2007-09-05.mp3
Show: #406
Length: 30:50
Size: 21.1mb
Format: mp3
Betsy and her husband Kris Sep 05, 2007

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Show notes:
Keeping it short I have to pack for the road
Too much flight stuff in the news lately
I'm in Boulder today
Beef jerky on airplanes
Betsy is against the dried beef among people
Betsy' has lost 10 lbs on her Jeanie diet
Blogger's Choice Awards - vote us up!
Getting to bed on time
Kris talks about getting suspended from school
Betsy reminds him of when he sent home from kindergarten
On Friday Kris will tell always funny styrofoam cup story

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Tags: beef jerky Jeanie's diet Blogger's Choice Awards best podcast Boulder Philly

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 29, 2007

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 07:39:11 -0500
Croncast - 2007-08-29.mp3
Show: #403
Length: 38:45
Size: 26.6mb
Format: mp3
Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 29, 2007

It's one of those mornings already. I'm behind and it isn't even 8 a.m. yet. The show notes will be super short and 'on point' as they say in the biz.

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Show notes:
Welcome to my guest . . . the Goodwill Princess
The shows on Jeanie's DVR . . . Evan sleep light holmes
She turned me on to The Pick Up Artist
He is the king of douche bags
Kris you are drinking too much V8
I'm getting my vegetables
Betsy and Jeanie are going to party like it is 1854
Sawdust bucket as a toilet
Monday is a busy day for me Mr B
You had a near fight with one of your people
Betsy did it out of spite
Little Tikes climber
Betsy admits she is a packrat
Jesse, thanks for the email . . . changing our view of pit bulls one at a time
Audience Survey, please fill this out for us
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Tags: Little Tikes climber The Pick Up Artist Goodwill Princess sawdust bucket toilet packrat

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 20, 2007

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 09:51:07 -0500
Croncast - 2007-08-20.mp3
Show: #399
Length: 27:34
Size: 18.9mb
Format: mp3
Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 20, 2007

Join Croncast Cronies . . . thanks to all those signed up already!.

Short on the show notes for today. Sorry, but I got to get to what pays the bills.

The Great American Yard Sale
Sonny and Cher
Rosanne
Letting the ResaleQueen price items at the sale
Flea bites
Don't put that in the show notes.

The 400th Croncast coming on Wednesday, hoorah!

Thanks to Bernadette for this review and write up!

Audience Survey, please fill this out for us
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Tags: Great American Yard Sale Sonny and Cher Rosanne Vickie Walzer packing your Volvo

Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 06, 2007

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 08:24:48 -0500
Croncast - 2007-08-06.mp3
Show: #394
Length: 36:42
Size: 25.2mb
Format: mp3
Betsy and her husband Kris Aug 06, 2007

Join Croncast Cronies . . . thanks to all those signed up already!.

Early intro to explain this show has lots of the electric popping noise in it. I thought I had this figured out for the show recording but I didn't. However, I did find a solution after today's show was recorded . . . clear shows from here on out.

My windscreen smells like a pack of condoms
What you got in your suitcase?
Yeah it has packed since I left for Colorado
OK Kris, mine smells like a today's sponge left out for four days
It's been 3 weeks since we have done a show with just us
The untold story, I almost didn't go to Colorado, Kris
Is this like Slowsky?
We fly in the face of karma
I preemptively heed the warnings
Four days out from leaving for Boulder it begins
Like the Volvo won't come out of park again
OK Blackwater Betsy
They drag the old decrepit bitch in
Volvo of Lisle has repaired it for the 4th time
They give me a Hyundai
We know what the problem is mam . . . you dripped some soda in there
No, look at the record . . . this is the 4th time
If I can't drink soda in my car remove the cup holders
The problem is that everything in the gear shifting area has been replaced
Splenda is not sugar, it is a secret ingredient in concrete
Now I owe the dealership $300
That is one less cool experience at Elk Mountain Resort
How am I going to help you out? I will be in San Francisco
That would be cash at hand
Your guilt and negativity goes both ways
I get to the DMV with Gigi on my hip to get new plates
Line to another line to another line
Boss Hog will drag you out by your ear
Don't get out of hand Ms. Mommy pant
Can we get a supervisor over here?
I know that is the auditor
Mam, your plates are illegal!
Oh, now I am going to be arrested at the DMV
I end up in a line with bikers
A line full of the scariest men
They all keep trying to talk to Goo
I've never seen a baby give that look
She's not going to ride bitch to anybody
She'll be leading your gang in 10 years
I know exactly what the problem is
There is only one man in Springfield who can take care of this
The bikers, Skanky and Skanky
It turns out that Skanky wants to sell his car to Skanky
Maggie hears the guy yell and she freaks out
Now I am freaking out
All your fault Mr. B
Your likability was going down by the day
The plates from Slowsky moved over to Volvo
I don't own the Volvo, you do Kris!!!!
What if I want to hit the road in peace?
Thanks Oprah
I was in there for 53 minutes
I got sucked in to other peoples drama as I waited
Betsy gets attacked by a tick
Now she needs to tell the neighborhood
The neighbor tells her that she just got back from New Jersey
She was there to help out a family member that got sick from a tick bite
The ticks in New Jersey know your name before they attack
This is all happening the night before you leave
Thank god the Elk Mountain staff is released early every morning to remove all ticks and flea dip the deer
I will never have a vacation as good as this because I am married to you
Oh, you are too kind baby
I was holed up 30 miles from Boulder in a hotel by the highway
They call themselves suburbs, but they don't know
Working late at night doing the nerd thing
I get to the hotel late
You're supposed to have a non-smoking . . . don't have it
You're supposed to have king . . . don't have it
The room smelled musty and like nothing I had smelled before
All this while I have to rationalize hopping into a bed that a lot lizard just has sex with a trucker in
The next morning I wake up and head down to the front desk
I bitch and moan then realize that this girl is 11 years old
I ask to be moved to another room
She reaches into her pocket and pulls cell phone
A roadside motel run by pre-teens
"I can't move you but my mom can. I can call her to come down here."
I rolled on out
I came back the next night and asked to be moved again
We can move you . . . but not for three days
I then get the burrito craving
Qdoba happens to be open right next to the truck stop
You're gonna have to re-wrap that burrito
Why?
Beans were falling out of it
He looks at me, "Sir you need to understand . . . if you bit into this it will explode in your face."
This can't be fucking happening
I am going to eat it here and cut it in half
His eyes twinkle . . . are you sure that you don't want us to cut it . . . I have a really big knife
His concern for my burrito did not go unnoticed
Colorado out to get me . . . three months ago
Stop Mr. B you can't tell this story we've gone too long
We'll be in Seattle on Thursday!!!
If you can make a live show we'll be doing it
If more than 6 people want to come we need to get a place to do it
I have one fan . . .Mexico Mike, total troll
Selling mescaline by the highway
I'll be in on the 8th at 10 am
We'll be there for our 11th anniversary
Why spend alone we want you
Thanks to Bernadette for this review and write up!

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Tags: Qdoba burrito hotel by the highway Longmont CO exploding burrito Volvo of Lisle

Heading to the land of John Elway Dodge

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 05:50:39 -0500
Yes, off to Colorado for work two weeks before vacation was set to begin. The car will be here in less than an hour and I have to pack enough stuff to last me three weeks on the road. Solution: Let Betsy loose and have her ship me my stuff instead of trust that the United will get it all there.

Every time that I travel with all of my nerd gear all I can think about is how last September in one of my checked bags I had a 30 gb video iPod when I entered LAX and when I arrived in Chicago it had disappeared. It was replaced with an awesome non-music playing, no screen having scrap of paper notifying me that TSA had taken the liberty to search my bag. No big deal. However, what was missing was the paper notification that they swiped my iPod.

Anyway, what all of this means is that last night we knocked out four shows for the time that I'll be gone. The shows are a shorter than normal at around eighteen minutes in length. On Friday, July 20th the show will be the Q & A from the live show.

That's all I got for now. More from the road and Boulder soon.

Tags: 30gb video iPod Boulder, CO LAX working on the road

Turned the knob to cPanel 11 today

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 21:40:14 -0500
On a nerd scale of Star Wars vs. Star Trek I've gone Battlestar Galactica for cPanel 11.

As a challenged command line web server administrator I rely heavily on the WHM and cPanel suite to make my life livable. Sure, I got some SSH moves but they really suck and make my forehead sweat when I have to bust them out.

Scary to you? Way scary to me.

I've used cPanel for about 4 years now and this new version is the most significant upgrade of them all. More control over stuff like php.ini without having to ssh in, Ruby on Rails support and the ability to add Pear packages on the fly without having to recompile php.

I did a little nerd dance.

Tags: WHM cPanel 11 Ruby on Rails cPanel pecl cPanel 11 Pear cPanel 11 RoR

Asurion + Verizon = 57 min 33 sec of podcast voice

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 10:16:04 -0500
Something happens when I am confronted with ridiculous customer service, my podcast voice comes out. I usually realize it minutes into the dialog and then take that opportunity to enhance it with some extra oomph.

Last night's podcast voice was the result of attempting to get Betsy's missing mobile phone replaced. We were expecting it to be an easy transaction since we actually pay for the lost, damaged or stolen insurance package Verizon offers through a third party, though you won't find this out unless you ask, or in our case, lose the phone and need to make a claim. The third party in this case is Asurion.

I can spare you the specifics on this one but thought that I would share this one gem/life lesson. I was told repeatedly that our claim would take 2-3 days to be reviewed by Asurion and that I should expect a call where I will be asked for more information. I had to be told repeatedly, because Verizon staffers had imparted that it would be taken care of with one call and the new phone would ship in 24 hours.

Lessons learned? Use podcast voice, "no" is unacceptable from an insurance outfit, paying for the insurance was a good idea and that it is too bad that the podcast voice didn't work with the Volvo dealer or Volvo Cars of North America.

Tags: Asurion Verizon cell phone insurance mobile phone insurance XV6700

Betsy and her husband Kris Jun 01, 2007

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 07:01:50 -0500
Croncast - 2007-06-01.mp3
Show: #370
Length: 31:57
Size: 21.9mb
Format: mp3
Betsy and her husband Kris Jun 01, 2007

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Mr. B it has been a tough week out there in the garage sale trenches
She wouldn't look me in the eye
Hey, you invited me here!
You put up a sign and told me to come to your garage
You don't treat an invited guest like this
I'm going to give you my two dollars, bitch
You're husband gives you money and you do a lot more for him . . . come on
Oh, baby
A moving box full of GI Joe and little boy crap
It's a perfect box for the man
How about $5?
Doesn't look at me and says, "I haven't even gone through that one yet"
Is there gold in the bottom of that box?
I know there isn't some Barbie from the 60's in there
Hold on a second, "Timmy ,Tommy you come sort your crap."
The kids run up the cobble stone driveway
Elliot comes bounding up the driveway
And his white t-shirt is covered snacks, markers and ketchup
It looks like he was rolled in grade school good times
He's excited to see all the toys in the box
Then the boys started making fun of him
It's one thing to make fun of me, but my child
Baby, I am not condoning them making fun of Elliot
Here we, go, this might upset you
They made fun of him because the way he left the house
It's ok for you to do the things you do
But when applied to the kids . . . just make sure they are clean when they leave
The boy's dirty feet
Just get'em clean baby
"Dad I need a toothpick to clean [my toes]"
I understand that you needed to get out of the house
Just clean them up
Mr. B, I have areas of weakness and strengths
And as co-parent it is your duty to step it up or shut up
Our kids are not show prep
If you're gonna take them places just clean them up
Yeah, Kris, you run Daddy salon
They look to you Betsy . . . for hygiene, things like band aids
Those kids were from the mouth of hell . . . definitely not Unitarians
I scored an American Girl Illumaroom
It was $5 day for you
Betsy is going to be making the garage saler year book
If I were a more meticulous entrepreneur
I would save the subdivision maps
The divisions in our personalities
Small town and a little bit city in Kris
If Brad Paisley and Brad Pitt had a baby
Junking and class fighting it out in Betsy
I think that is why so many interesting things happen to us, Kris
I never thought of my small town as out of the norm
Sentimentalism is not cheese Booba
It's just where I grew up
They're survival skills baby
I think we are missing a comfort zone Mr. B
We're just restless
Goes to your workaholism
We need to get comfortable where we are
We can try
Wish me luck, I'm going back out there tomorrow
The broken iPod is up to $70 something bucks
They go on sale when they change the diaper packaging
He was in there
"You gotta do it, Hi"
I did it for you baby
One of our Raising Arizona moments of yore
I'm going to Boulder next week
No you are not starting a business flipping dogs

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Tags: workaholism GI Joe Raising Arizona Brad Paisley Brad Pitt American Girl Illumaroom

Betsy and her husband Kris May 23, 2007

Wed, 23 May 2007 07:57:18 -0500
Croncast - 2007-05-23.mp3
Show: #366
Length: 34:37
Size: 23.7mb
Format: mp3
Betsy and her husband Kris May 23, 2007

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Kris tries to take it back to 2004 and fails
The old school intro
Things have changed for the better since we've been doing the show
Someone actually sent an email with that in it today . . . being able to hear the difference
You've never had respect for me Betsy
It will only grow when I see the gravel pit that you crawled out of
You're worried about what Elliot will say about the dead cars in the yard
Someone lives in that house?
Yes, that's where I grew up
The house is the size of our finished basement
Kris, it was the size of a double wide
My little house used to be a warehouse
The great La Moille fire and our house survived
As the story goes . . . it was started by a train derailment in the late 1800's
The trailer office next to the tallest building in town, the grade school
You could see Chicago 120 miles away on a clear day
Kris you were looking at West Aurora
Civil war reenactment town historian nut
Did he do the glove thing?
Was it a scarred nub beneath?
No, I don't think he was the engineer of the train
I grew up around some scary characters
Good thing they had him work at the school so people could keep an eye on him
It was like a pig roast with my extended family . . . Keystone Light and firearms
You were packing heat on family outings, Kris?
No the extended family
So it was like Civil War done better with upgraded military hardware
Betsy tells another great vet story
I am beginning to think that vet offices are great place for material
Is it possible for a my cat to fall in love with my dog?
The cattle call vet . . . it isn't a prestigious appointment
The cat is binge eating because it is depressed
"Why are his lips so ugly?" mother-in-law asks about the cat
Turns out that little deaf dog has a blazing ear infection
"How to do you tell if your dog is deaf?"
The arthritis medicine, cholesterol medicine and diabetes diet weren't working that day
Deaf dog now has some pep in her step
Betsy . . . I didn't know raisins weren't candy until I was 7
So what happened to you, Betsy?
God, this girl had Lik A Maid . . . cool aid on sugar stick
I said to myself when I am an adult I am going to buy a candy bar every day
Red Bull + Lik A Maid = Garage sale power drink

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Tags: Lik A Maid Keystone Light cat dog lovin Garage sale power drink tallest building in town

Guitar Center 2.0 in print (getting it right, finally)

Sat, 05 May 2007 13:48:12 -0500
I talk about products an awful lot when I have a negative experience with them. I'm going to try, occasionally to talk about some of the more positive ones.

I wanted to take this moment to thank Guitar Center for hiring a designer from this century for their new line of micro-catalogs. When they started arriving a few weeks ago I actually thought they were from a "cool" gear company.

Seriously, the Guitar Center brand - monster truck style radio spots, 1968 acoustic guitar silhouette logo and fried out metal head working the door are poof gone with a slight touch of the new millennium.

When a typical GC catalog shows up I won't open them. They are packed with crap on every page, lame ass interviews (Sweetwater is guilty of this too), every giveaway known to man that can get you in to the store and testimonials that mean absolutely nothing. The new micro-catalogs are nothing like it, spare, open, designed, real interviews that don't read like canned copy from an editor and niche. Almost like I'm not getting a sales pitch.

Or maybe they simply found a way to speak to me and the content is just as lame as always, but the design contemporary. Either way, kudos to Guitar Center for taking a chance because as a regular customer I know that this isn't your schtick.

For now it has changed my view of the GC image a bit . . . but I'll wait for you to ruin it with your, "Get your ass down here *now* for the free cables and mic stand with the purchase of guitar strings," ad on the radio. Possibly those could get a make over too? We'll talk about those balding 80's thrashers later.

Tags: Sweetwater Catalog micro-catalog Guitar Center rebranding a company free mic cables