small | Croncast - From Cool to Cul De Sac

Season 20 Ep 24: Cousin Kris, Painters Cap, Nothing Is Level

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 15:28:11 -0500

Croncast - 2008-06-16.mp3
Show: #499
Length: 22:52
Size: 15.7mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Keep the Archive Alive goes on
$25 of support gets you 2 DVD's with the full archive mailed to your door
Drop that Archive Support at the site in any one of the banners
It is all about the Interwaves
The photo montage of the father's day trip are up
Look in the blog for the story
Soften up the crow's feet
Geez, that bag, what is she 33?
I don't know if Rock of Love is comparative to competitive improv dinner theater
The afternoon jamboree
Much like licking a toilet
"Cousin Kris!"
The first Casey's we stop at
Hey, I know you
No, I didn't know her name instantly
Hoping for it fire into my brain
Turns out to be cousin X
She's of the normal branch
But the odds of that
Not that great
Running into someone buying smokes
I just don't want to get there
I know, Betsy, you were driving 45 in a 75
Never thought we would make it
Creeping ever closer that sucking vortex where you grew up
It is an area of decay
Dilapidated nothingness
If you were a pizza deliver guy you would deliver to houses with siding
The rest are wrapped in Tyvek
It looks like depression
We tried the town route
Elliot is asking why it is abandoned
Yelling why doesn't it look like home
Two taglines
"For Rent"
"Rent to Own"
You wouldn't let me take the best photo
It was the award winning shot
It was beautiful
The transient neighbor
In a wife beater, smoking a cigarrete, talking on his phone in a NASCAR painters cap
And . . . And . . . his white wolf dog on the steps
Nothing is level there
I fell down 77 times
Growing oriental poppies
Couldn't believe it
Save me from this
And you walked away
Everyone walked away to leave me there
The scary compound
The old ass car wasn't as bad
Always had the perspective that there was someplace else I needed to be

Tags: white wolf chevrolet graveyard interwaves abandoned small town

waffle, waffle, pancake, fork with cream cheese

Sat, 31 May 2008 08:58:09 -0500

the man woke up early, snuck the toaster into the basement with a stash of frozen waffles, pancakes, bagels and cream cheese.

there is nothing quite like the desires of a small child to become a basement sous chef.

when asked about cream cheese on the fork, said chef replied, "dad, it was necessary to taste it with waffles."

bravo, young man.

Tags: cheese cream chef basement waffles

two lanes wide, the names

Mon, 26 May 2008 16:31:48 -0500

the crowd got hushed quite a bit when they saw this banner coming down the street when they realized what it was.

the banner has the names of every soldier killed to date in the current iraq war. the stunning part is that the names are written very small.

it had a great impact. people were commenting about how big the banner was.

no one clapped when this one went by.

i got choked up and am again typing this up.

Tags: operation iraqi freedom operation enduring freedom names written small

Spend Happy Hour with Mrs. and Mrs. Smith

Wed, 21 May 2008 16:03:54 -0500

That's right, you can have a drink or four with Mrs. and Mrs. Smith at House of Shields in San Francisco this evening at 6:30 pm. Many thanks to HOS proprietor, Schlomo, for having the ladies. Even if no one else but these two show up it is not going to end well.

House of Shields is located at 39 New Montgomery Street: see below.

View Larger Map

Tags: House of Shields San Francisco Schlomo Mrs. and Mrs. Smith

from walgreen's with love

Sat, 17 May 2008 11:01:16 -0500

i have rationalized that a conservationist teenager tossed this cart into the river for small marine life habitat and not the thrill of launching it 15 feet down and embankment in an act of drunken joyousness.

ahh, to be young in naperville.

Tags: embankment feet launching thrill act

Season 20 Ep 10: Transvestite Mennonite, MC Hammer, Baby Spiders

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 10:58:26 -0500

Croncast - 2008-04-30.mp3
Show: #485
Length: 28:03
Size: 19.8 mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Special note: Betsy and Jeanie are having a meetup in San Francisco May 21, 2008 at House of Shields 39 New Montgomery St., Time: 6:30 p.m., stop and have a drink or two!

I pulled a muscle in my back
My spider bites
It's a back wall injury
Like in the Mist
Where the privileged people are
At the Intercontinental hotel
I ordered my drink
You need to try it
Jaegermeister and Bailey's?
It makes me want to cover my ears
How much do they charge for that?
It depends
The bartender appeared to be a Stanford math major
How much do you want?
Top it off on the rocks, half Jaeger and half Bailey's
Well, we pour in ounces
I don't care what pour, just fill it up
When have you counted
You are an asshole
I'm not an asshole
How many ounces would you like?
What kind of question is that?
I would have turned you into a zombie
Was $30 a drink
Puffy Cuffs to a whole new level
She had already poured them
A mixer usually has small amount of alcohol
They should charge normally
I need to carry my own stuff
Buy a mixer full of ice to mix my own
You pay for the atmosphere
But most have to leave early to get to a meeting
$30 bucks a drink you better get some atmosphere
Turns out MC Hammer was hanging in the lobby
I missed it
I was three feet from him
He looked nothing like I would have expected
Taller than I thought
They have small man complex and work harder
Shaped like a potato these days
He would have showed all of his potato parts
He has an internet startup
It's like youtube but with dance videos
There's a new character on the scene at Goodwill
Who is it?
I don't know his/her name
What?
It is a Transvestite Mennonite
I had awkward pause seeking gender
I blanked
I needed to know boy or girl to return communication
You should do a back bend

Tags: MC Hammer the mist transvestite mennonite spider bite jaegermeister and bailey's

McMansion across the street

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:23:01 -0500

This McMansion is one of large cluster across the street from our house. It is small compared to the others further back.

It isn't a gated community but they put up no trespassing signs everywhere during the summer. I encourage Zues to poop on this part of our journey.

Tags: mcmansion street across during everywhere

Season 20 Ep 2: Tijuana Jellies, Rent a Goat, Living Through Kids

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 09:27:16 -0500

Croncast - 2008-04-07.mp3
Show: #477
Length: 33:02
Size: 22.7 mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Special note: Betsy and Jeanie are having a meetup in San Francisco May 21, 2007 at House of Shields 39 New Montgomery St., Time: TBD. Stop by and buy them a drink or two!

It's like having naked people on web site
Sure, it is nerd porn
If you had a math site
You could put up a really hot formula
Don't open your eyes it will make it real
Big weekend and Betsy alone time
I found out alone time is overrated
I love the kids but I didn't miss them
Normally when I am alone, I am with Vicky
That means you are not alone
You guys spend too much time together
Something like that
Betsy you watch Vicky
Security has your picture up on the wall
Did I ever tell you about Vicky almost being kidnapped?
No, you never have
But it explains a lot about your relationship
Vicky is going to get a goat if she moves to Virginia
That's is like having a girlfriend in Canada
"I have a goat in Virginia"
Rent a goat
Yeah, they call them petting zoos
I just want a goat petting zoo
Tell me about the kidnapping story
Was my mom baby sitting you?
Vicky was in the cart
I was cramped and pushed in underneath
I looked like a giraffe in a VW
She is 2 1/2 and you are 7 1/2
This woman grabs Vicky
But she is stuck
You know how kids get stuck in carts
Sure maneuvering them out
She was panicking and pulling
My mom lost her mind
What are you doing the whole time
I was like whatever
The woman runs out of the store
My mom's first reaction was to yell at me
Not call the cops
I gotta sit down so low to see the cereal
I don't know what it is
Get the hell over it
You are crazy
Your sister must think once a week what my life would have been like
Divorced with two kids
Lifetime movie moments
Jesus Christ, you look like a victim, suck it up
Mom picks up Vicky and says, "Run!"
I lied about my size them
It was expensive in California
I had to wear Jelly shoes 3 sizes to small
I begged my mom at a dollar store
Sure your Tijuana Jelly Sandals
There are times when you can't afford shit
Standing in line at the Louisiana post office
So for Christmas they shipped me chameleons in a box
They arrived not alive

Tags: Jelly Shoes Mexico rent a goat parental reaction pup pup

SXSW Wrap Up

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 21:04:16 -0500

It's been nearly a week since I arrived back home and I've recuperated enough from the festivities, work and recording to make this post. Never mind that I saw Billy Bob Thornton and his band play, I was working angles!

What I can say is that it was an event that was really about connecting with nerd brethren. My BlogTalkRadio cohorts and I recorded tons of content and did multiple live shows. But at the core of all of it was connecting with people that we typically only interact with online.

Aside from connecting, I did have another experience worth mentioning here. Like every other conference I have attended there is a simple take-away if you keep your eyes open. Much like TechCrunch40 and the hand washing lesson. That was a great one.

The lesson learned from SXSW interactive was this:

Thousands of attendees, very few media makers.

That's it.

The AMD B5media Bloghaus was filled day after day with the same people. They were a minority of the attendees numbering around 100 I would say. Of that number, even a smaller amount were making media of any kind - blog posts, audio or video. I would guess 40, tops.

I was left wondering why there weren't more attendees outside of the Bloghaus posse making media instead of consuming it. I don't know the reason.

I am having trouble articulating exactly what it meant and means to me. So I will leave it at that. Lots of people at a media making conference and only a handful actually doing it.

Tags: amd bloghaus austin texas interactive media makers

Season 19 Ep 17: Small Fry, Baby Face, Knight Rider

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 09:49:40 -0600

Croncast - 2008-02-15.mp3
Show: #463
Length: 43:23
Size: 29.8mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

Jeanie is in town
Leaving some comments
The guy who sells stuff on tv
Getting our first C&D
You've got to be kidding me
The links come from Ebay
Didn't want to be told
It's all ESC fault in the first place
If you get one too ESC let me know
I will roll over like the big pansy that I am
Go to Google and
Stipulation is owning those two words put together
Like I own Mr. B?
Now if you say it I am going to sue you
I will find all
I copyrighted Jeanie's CB handle 'Small Fry'
Career choices
Look she married me
One wild crazy idea
Jeanie's face
I got you something earlier this week
I got a job
Where is my present?
I paid for that
I'm going all out
Did you squeeze some ground beef out of tube
Guys, I am trying to get a career
We know Betsy
What happened to Wheel of Fortune?
Not gonna happen
Just get back to people tell them it isn't working out
Find me the chubby stay at mommy stay at home comedian
Like my improv career that I pay for
The gig fell apart
It was an association party
They don't want
Is the man in the basement telling me that I don't get out enough?
It is your lack getting out
Yeah, we're gonna perform during dinner time
I had a flash back of the belly dancers at the conference
Holding napkins over crotches slinking off
The belly dancing went down
At the next party there was a bondage demonstration
The year before they had the painted women
Ewwwwwwwww
Jeanie might recognize them from the lot lizard count
Anyone named Velma under 72 is a lot lizard
Isn't your grandma named Velma?
Yes, she is older than 72
Did the people even want you there?
Jeanie dated that guy
I didn't date anyone on the road
For technicalities sake, you did have a trucker boyfriend
What was his CB handle?
They called him "Baby Face"
Baby Face and Small Fry
Did he have to sit on a telephone guy?
Baby Face turned you into a trucker
I thought we were going to talk about my resume
Karen Zhender gender bender
Why don't you eat your weight in free cake and we can blow this popcorn stand
For out last performance
"Whew, last one"
Passing on the highway
We chatted with Knight Rider
He had to pick is own CB handle
You and who? You said we?
Me and Sweet T
Jeanie, I love these stories
Where else did you work?
As a 911 dispatcher
No way!
You've got to have good stories
He was in the evidence 'shed'
Shed?
When you destroy guns you saw them in to pieces
He was sawing
Friction and a bullet in the chamber
He swore that he checked
Officer Twinkie shot himself in the leg
Stopping speeders

The Resale Queen Podcast is now here! Every Saturday by 9 a.m. CST

Tags: Knight Rider Jeanie Bowen Velma cb handle

Season 19 Ep 13: The Coffee Drinker, Whip Antennae, CB Radio Booty Call

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 09:54:53 -0600

Croncast - 2008-02-06.mp3
Show: #459
Length: 29:08
Size: 20.0mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

BigJon wanted to know who "The Coffee Drinker" is
Suspense, I don't how we did it
The Coffee Drinker background
Has something to do with CB Radios
The big whip antennae's on trucks
If you had two you were the shit
So some ladies would come on night and ask for "The Coffee Drinker"
We thought it might be a kid like us
A sophisticated kid drinking Folgers with their folks
Could have been the farmers having coffee
Water and syrup falls on ice in cup
Too much for a small town person to handle
Yeah, you need training to run the fountain soda dispenser
The old guys brought in a scanner
The Coffee Drinker wouldn't reply back
Of course he wouldn't
Kris, you need some help
Get yourself something nice when I don't talk
Cruising around in the morning
How do you know who his kid is?
Bill had some issues
He had rebel flag stickers on his car, no one really liked him and he listened to too much AC/DC
He says, that The Coffee Drinker was his dad
His dad tilled my garden every year
Is that why you are the way you are?
Maybe I should have said tilled my mom's garden
You gotta use the lingo
Smokey and the bandit style
A CB radio booty call
It's not the one that you are thinking of
They are like nannies
Small town = "Not my business"
I think I need to resurrect this story
You can't just end there
You have to come with conviction
Your car won't want to stop
These people just let life happen to them
Until something forces them to move on
No lapping waves at their shore
Lots of driving around happens
He pulled you over because he wanted to talk to you
Where I'm from men can't do that
You're with that Smith boy, ain't you
Johnny law vs. the high school kids
Typical
They don't have any training
This is how you hit'em with the yellow pages
This is how you hit'em with the white pages
He was throwing the beers out the sun roof
Straight up in the air
The cop is dodging our beer cans
You left a trail of beer crumbs for him to follow
It was late at night they could have been anyone's beers
There were a lot of drunk bunnies and chipmunks the next morning
What should you do in that situation?
Full circle in your life would be becoming the town cop

The Resale Queen Podcast is now here! Every Saturday by 9 a.m. CST

View Kris's resume or download it

Tags: CB Radio The Coffee Drinker rebel flag stickers drunk bunnies sun roof

TechCrunch40 in 60 seconds - a belated tale

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 11:33:28 -0600

Remember TechCrunch40 from a few months back? I do.

Some of you have lived it through my eyes as I recounted the story on the show and others of you at parties. This 60 seconds I will never relive again but I knew it was magical moment. Consider it Parable 2.0.

Scene: I am in the lower level bathroom of the Palace Hotel brushing my teeth. It is silent for twenty seconds. Silence is broken by a guy leaving a stall. I have no idea he was in there. I see his badge in the mirror, Demo Pit badge. He walks right out. Didn't wash his hands. Note to self - wtf, that is gross he is going to be shaking hands all day. I'll live.

Ten seconds later another stall door opens and out walks another guy with a Demo Pit badge. He walks up to the mirror. Begins running fingers through hair. Finishes and walks out of the bathroom. Doesn't wash his hands. I am completely grossed out.

I am finishing up brushing my teeth. Ten seconds later in walks a VC (one that we all know) and he comes over to the sink. He makes small talk while washing his hands. Walks away to use facilities.

Twenty seconds after my thoughts are complete. The lesson that has been taught to me is clear:

A Demo Pit guy will rub his hands in his butt and shake your hand, but a VC will wash his hands before he touches his junk.

Tags: Purell Parable 2.0 Demo Pit TechCrunch40

Season 19 Ep 11: Walzer A., Buffalo Days, The Coffee Drinker

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 10:51:22 -0600

Croncast - 2008-02-01.mp3
Show: #457
Length: 26:13
Size: 18.1mb
Format: mp3

Show us some love and leave us a review at iTunes

The Resale Queen Podcast is now here!
Every Saturday by 9 a.m. CST

About the Wednesday show
We were recording and the phone was ringing off the hook
Call from Walzer A
So this is Wednesday's show
Yeah, it was your sister calling
Brother-in-law lost his job
And the three mother hens showed up at his house
I did not envy him at all
It is getting more and more crowded in this boat
Your mom told you that you need to take care of this
I couldn't think of a more depressing situation
I wouldn't have come home
I would have went out at 8 am and got a beer
Where? This isn't Milwaukee
I would have waited that shit out
You are telling me that I am a born leader
I was telling myself that I glad you all weren't here
This is how it goes down in my dysfunctional family
My entire life I have had to be the man
What?
You shoveled in the middle in a snow storm
You can't even tell you shoveled
Doing it repeatedly doesn't make sense
At 4:30 am our neighbor fired up his snow blower
Ridiculous
Some men wake up with motivation, Kris
What would you do if it were a chainsaw?
Then he started cutting down trees
Well, hell he was motivated
Oh, baby
I tossed pup pup in a snowbank
What for?
To send to the TV station
Are you serious?
Well, I did send it
The auto response email was "Thanks for sending to KABC 7 Los Angeles"
Your snowy dog will be on in LA
You dogs suck
Jorge would be restricted to humane society
Ass end up in a garbage can
That is what we should have called the Resale Queen show
Yesterday, I almost slipped and died
Good things that dumpsters are heavy
How come they don't shovel by them?
I am going to open Dumpster Land
A theme park for you and your people
The dangers that you face everyday
It can't be packing peanuts
There is no Calvin pissing on nothing
What stickers would the truck have?
Did the new trucks ever roll out to La Moille?
I though i shouldn't ask because it would be sad
There was a time that they did come out
No one can tie a knot in this town
Ending up in the county jail
Swanson's baby
Onions in the peas
They came to town for Buffalo Days
The quaint small town festivals in movies, lies
There's no tax base to support that
Basketball game in a gravel pit
I grew up across from a buffalo pasture
Did you ride buffalo instead of ponies?
Did they chain them to a claw foot tub to slow them down?
From kindergarten to graduation at 14
Let me run the tilt-a-whirl
I would be right there
Ending up with a corn cob in his bibs
Might be dangerous but in a small town that's fun
Being pulled on sled behind cars
Watching the console in a lawn chair
I have sat in the back of a Chevy and bounced across fields
We didn't do donuts in a Wal Mart parking lot
It was a small town
Ok, K-Mart
That would have been a 30 mile commute
I know you rode in the back of a pickup truck on the way to a K-Mart
Yes, I did
CB radios in those days, figuring out who the coffee drinker was
Your mom would have a handle

View Kris's resume or download it

Tags: buffalo snowy dog LaMoille Resale Queen sledding

Mother-in-law on Linux? Yep.

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 11:35:15 -0600

Am I crazy? Nope. It's show time for Linux.

Some of the the Linux flavors have matured enough to be great solutions for keeping family members safe from viruses and giving them the tools, graphically, that they need. So much so that Dell is now offering computers with it as an alternative to Windows.

However, it's not just family members that benefit, it saves the "son-in-law tech support company" a ton of time and headaches.

And now there is a great tool available called Automatix that is a great asset for installing new apps quickly. Sure, I am comfortable with command line work but if there is a gui available that can make installing software simpler than finding a package, decompressing, cd to directory and then running . . . well, I am all for it.

You can see from the photo above that I chose Xubuntu for the install, a smaller footprint of Ubuntu. It's designed to run on low RAM machines.

It's perfect for a mother-in-law prone to installing software from every popup ad that she encounters. Which is the reason that her Toshiba laptop has a desktop that looks like this:

So far so good.

Tags: Ubuntu Xubuntu Toshiba Dell laptop Linux