Shout to Mike Dunn
You are digging yourself a hole Kris
Walking in NYC is not like walking anywhere else on the planet
Like a mommy in the morning?
Putting on deodorant walking down the block
Not one person looked at me sideways
Don't ask him for money
I love New York
I want to live someplace with a goat
They won't let me have a goat in New York
Well, when it poops they would see it
People just might want to eat your goat
It would poop and you would chasing chocolate marbles on the sidewalk
She had toe rings
That was it getting on the plane
The kids keep going ape
I knock her Starbucks down and spill it
I am in row one, so I can get out quick
I really wanted to help this woman
Especially, when the chubby hamster next to you spills your coffee
She says, "Let me clean it up"
She put on her toe rings thinking today would be different
Did you get a toe ring to the face?
Turns out to be Billy Bob Thornton?
He was four Billy Bobs
Did you put on deodorant before you got on the plane?
When the person next to you seeks comfort
She starts weeping
I felt like such an asshole
It was not just the coffee it was the culmination of lots of things
We really need to go
And that is it. This is such a short show.
The kids are wired
Kris is sick
Regular shows and show notes Monday.
Wish I had done show notes last night
Trying to the show to download from my phone isn't going too quickly
OK, here's what I got
The laughing intro
Betsy has to stop
She can't handle not making fun of me
Oh, Mr B
You'll be gone for 3 days
You're boyfriend would come out of the closet
How did I slip through?
If it were 1950 I would be married to a gay man
Now they're strolling to Erasure hand in hand
Isn't that ABBA?
Whitney was for the queens too?
Why do you think they like me so much?
That is what will hold you back from being a republican
No that would be my moral compass
It's called empathy
Henry is still trying to make me a republican
You have a manic nature with work
Just put a chip in me
Interfacing with machines would be much easier
What did you just think?
I won't be held to testify, I can't tell you
We keeps it short today
Maggie is sick with croup and flu with fever
It's one half of a show
So I was at Goodwill
What story you tell doesn't start this way?
My pockets were loaded
I don't trust my purse
We haven't told the story of your purse being stolen yet?
Not to be disgusting
I had to go to the bathroom and leave my cart outside the door
I pulled up my pants with ferocity
As soon as I left my pockets felt lighter
I go back in and my cell phone is in the toilet
Multi-use public toilet
I had to decide which hand to stick into the toilet
Baby, I gotta tell ya
You should have just left it
Goodwill urine water would do it
You could have sold it with your personal information
What are they going to steal? Your skype number?
This person could use more friends
Lists of potential friends
I love the idea
How much is a list of friends from a cell phone found in a toilet at Goodwill?
Kris, I need you to get me a new phone
I want a penny phone
Cheap flip phone?
Cell phones say a lot about people
It's like getting out of prison and wearing the same clothes from 20 years ago
I want a phone that I can dial and drive
If you hit the shift key you can dial numbers
It isn't a smart phone
They call that insurance fraud
I gotta hit the red dot
Sure, if you crack the head open you will void the warranty
It's funny you say that
Two months ago I had brain surgery
I felt like I was an inch tall